5 Reasons the Other Woman Slept with Your Man

Recently, I read an article by Farrah Gray entitled Why the Other Woman Slept with your Man.

Farrah’s list includes  6  reasons she slept with your man:

  • She’s Selfish
  • She has no morals
  • She’s psycho
  • She’s accessible
  • She’s just that dumb
  • She’s desperate

His list had over 18200 Facebook shares.  I’m assuming those who shared are the ones who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman’s lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality as it had no depth to explain our human nature nor placement of responsibility on the male partner with exception of one sentence indicating his role. ” The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands.”

Fortunately,  I came across another article, Ever Wonder Why Women Cheat, A Married Man Goes Undercover on Ashley Madison to Find Out by Charles J Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the married but lets have an affair website of Ashley Madison  to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.

1. Women want and need attention, appreciation, and passion

When there is a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, we will seek out ways to fulfill the gaps. At times, the seeking out will be obvious such as creating an Ashley Madison profile or it may be a sudden opportunity presenting without much forethought.

In the Huffington Post article, Jennifer Garam writes; Why I had an affair with a Married Man

“Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality… Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.”

She felt alive again, and that’s a main component in way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid.

She goes further to explain, “This feels so good I don’t want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes. I have such an overactive conscience I couldn’t even take a paperclip from work without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didn’t faze me.”

As humans, we all have an erotic energy. The level of  intensity of this energy varies just like our temperaments; both of which are innate aspects of who we are.  When our erotic energy is out of sync, we will work to meet these needs even if it includes questionable choices with the potential for negative consequences.

You may ask – then why did she choose my man?

2. Your man showed his willingness to step out on his relationship

Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation and passion, in addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man – capable, sexy, wanted, valued.

If the other woman shows him that he is indeed capable, sexy, wanted and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with opportunities can equate to an affair.

Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him.

He consented.

The other women is actually not the issue, because if it wasn’t her, it likely would have been someone else.

Stop blaming and demonizing her and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.

3. Choosing a married man can be safer than having a real relationship.

Married men can bring to the table: attention, passion, time, experience and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and check book balancing.

Some women who have been in bad relationships don’t want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat.

Many women are not looking to ‘steal’ your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure and if he can give it to her, she’ll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last.

Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life, having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy.  They don’t want the daily drama, they want their space.

Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenge is the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotion thing even when unintended.  What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion.

Despite the desires to keep the relationship on a sexual level, emotions interfere and can cause fantasies of creating a true couple relationship.  The other woman and your man have to work out the boundaries of the affair.

Remember if he chooses the other woman over you, it was his choice to leave, not the mistress, but his choice.

4. The Thrill

Dr Valerie Golden, reports in her Psychology Today article Why Women want Married Men,  sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill, full of lust and passion, in a way not possible otherwise. Likewise, unprotected sex. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered, grabbing quick sexual encounters on the fly, can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty. And bawdy.

Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings.  Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses.

We often want sex with people who we would never marry.  Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical.  Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home.

An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous and more.

The thrill is intoxicating, to the point that even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.

5. Just because she can

Yes there is a difference between  the saying ‘just because you can doesn’t mean you should’ line of thinking and the ‘just go for it’ attitude. We make decisions everyday, some of them have little risk of consequences yet others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want- I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out.

Affairs tend to have a high price tag. Both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as the ‘what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them’  adage.

Yes sleeping with your man is selfish. Your man sleeping with her – also selfish.

 

The language ‘My Man’ in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership. We do not own people. ‘Your Man’ is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner.  We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him, and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he’s yours.  He is only himself.

She slept with him because she could, and it was the same with him. It is not uncommon for our values and behavior to misalign at times.  This does not mean the other woman is without values, morals, intelligence and worth as Farrah Gray would have you believe.  It means that balancing values and behavior can be difficult.  Our western society reaffirms life long monogamy with our partner and despite having the values and morals to support it, our biological nature can put a sledge hammer  on our best intentions.

 

As Charles J Orlando hypothesizes, women who were looking for an extra marital affair with married men were looking to connect in some way and to meet their unmet needs in the current relationship. In his adventures, he found women had the strong  need for connection, attention and just pure sex.

She slept with your man not because of her lack of worth or values but because:

  • Our Innate Needs
  •  He was Open to having Sex with her
  •  Its Non Committal
  • Thrilling
  • Because She Can

 

 

I reached an important understanding. When an adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels, gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it’s a sad realization for his wife that translates to “I’m not worth the effort.” This is a fatal blow to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn’t done those things for her recently… and it wasn’t purposeful, it was a mirror into my own accidental complacently (and I’m supposed to be an expert!!!). It’s not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter? Isn’t the end result the same? – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf

 

 

 

 

 


Love at First Sight is Just a Big Myth

We have for years heard about love at first site. So much so, that we hope it happens to us.

The immediately attraction and hopefully life long commitment to our prince charming or princess.

Experiencing the feeling of love is a long term process and cannot be felt immediately.

sexy coupleNow, lust at first sight is real.

What is the difference between love and lust?

According to Judith Orloff, MD in her Huffington Post article, The Difference Between Love and Lust

Signs of lust:

    • You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.
    • You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
    • You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
    • You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
    • You are lovers, but not friends.

Signs of love:

    • You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
    • You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
    • You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.
    • He or she motivates you to be a better person.
    • You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

 

I have a different opinion, yet included Dr. Orloffs list for further conversation.live lust

I consider both of her lists inclusive of the experience of lust.  My reaction to  her list of lust is more reflective of sexual interest and activity which eliminates the relational aspect.

Emotions and attachment are included in lust. Of course one could do without said emotions as well.

Lust is fueled by our neuro-chemicals which physiologically puts us on a dopamine high; we crave, idealize, and have obsessive thoughts about the other.  This is NOT your heart talking, its your brain chemicals that have wired you to attract, mate, procreate.

Despite the neuro-chemical flood, you’re not using your brain nor your heart.  You’re high.

It is one of the best feelings in the world and I believe has lead to many unwise marriages, divorces and affairs.

We all want to chase what feels good and boy does this feel good!

If our chemicals are urging us to procreate we need to have a veil of fantasy; otherwise, we’d really notice how bad their feet stink, they don’t put their laundry in the basket, belch too often after dinner, only floss once per month and they’re not that respectful when talking about their mother.

We instead focus on the fantasy that is and what our future with that person might be. If we noticed the daily bad traits of each of us right away, would we never pair up?

When we experience lust and recognize our altered mental  state, we can place logic next to our thoughts of Mr./ Ms. Dreamy and allow time to guide us in the true-ness of a real relationship.

Logical statements help us reduce impulsive decisions, to place some realism in our lustful fog, remind us that everyone has faults and craving someone today and living with them day in and day out is a completely different ball game.

Enjoy the lust, recognize your high, and manage your fantasy.sex and food

When do you know it is real love?

The main way love is revealed is through time.

I recommend couples not marry until two years of courtship/dating, because two years is the time frame needed for your chemical high to subside.

After two years,

You:

Still feel sexual attraction to your partner

Have fully accepted who that person is without your ability to ever change them
Can tolerate their bad traits/habits because they are just annoying but are not unhealthy ie (addiction, abuse, manipulative)

Are interested in sharing your life with this person with shared vision for your future
Can have and work through disagreements

Have discussed your views on religion, politics, children and money and have come to an understanding and/or compromise

Enjoy sex with your partner

Want to empower them into their fullness

Feel respected and encouraged

Receive most of the attention, validation, sex and communication you find important in the long run

Feel comfortable in who you are

 

masturbating couple at NWLove is a feeling that is long lasting, accepting and respectful which occurs with time.

Lust is a biochemical flood of wonderful feelings, attraction, desire and craving which can be instantaneous.

You can have lust at first sight.

 

 

 

 

 


5 Life Lessons from My Colombian Horse Trainer

Many who know me are aware of my passion for riding horses.  This passion was reignited after a nearly 30 year hiatus.horse trail riding in MI

I am currently riding under the training of a husband and wife here in Louisiana.  The wife is wonderful. She and I have similarities in our backgrounds as we both came from middle class families in the mid-west, are college educated and selected a career that follows our life’s passions.  Her husband on the other hand, is an older Colombian man who is the antithesis of politically correct, with broken English, a fairly large ego,  a health food nut and is full of feist, all within an approximately 5’3 frame.

He is a talker, as I too, would describe myself and in our many discussions, I have recognized his wisdom.

Listed are a few life lessons I have learned from my Colombian horse trainer:

1.) It doesn’t matter how pretty you are if you’re not in control of your horse ( life)

While riding, I am focused on my posture and the guidance I am providing to the horse, but if I’m not controlling the horse, it  doesn’t matter how good I look, the horse will show the lack of control of the rider.

In applying this to real life, I say these are the beautiful, yet bat shit crazy women.  The exterior can only get us so far. With confidence, stability, goals, and being centered, then our true beauty can really shine.

2) The horse makes no mistakes, you do

       I will complain about  how the horse isn’t doing this or that, which I want him to, yet it is I, who is not providing the proper commands and/or directions.  horse up in Folsom

In life, its easiest to blame others, to say we have no control. Its you not me statements.  What we know is that, it is really all about us; how we react, interpret, respond and cope. Stop blaming, start doing, learning, practicing and trying, and life will go in the best direction.

3) Get back in the saddle and don’t whine about it

When I was 9 years old, my father was harmed while attempting to train a horse; and despite riding regularly, his injury sparked a large fear in me about the harm that can come from horses. When my father’s injuries healed and we returned to the stable, I was so nervous that I would only be on the horse if it was on a lead (similar to a leash). Shortly after his injuries healed, my father died, my mother sold all the horses, and my 9 year old child fear turned into an adult phobia.

A few years ago, I talked about enrolling my son in horse riding lessons and my husband noted how I had been talking a lot about horses lately and he felt my desires to get our son on a horse was really about my need to return to riding.  I listened to his advice, found a fantastic stable/trainer in Michigan, informed them of my phobia and set up a lesson.

On my first lesson, the trainer had me sitting on the saddle while the horse was walking and drop the reigns.  As I did so, tears fell on my face.  My sense of fear and panic was high.  I remember how my trainer mentioned that one day I would feel so comfortable and safe on a horse that I would be cantering. I gasped, I could barely tolerate sitting in the saddle while the horse very slowly walked and I had no reigns in my hands, let alone cantering.

Two and one half years later, I was cantering bare back and thrilled to pieces.

I informed my current trainer of my past phobia and despite having worked through so much of it, I still allow fear to interfere with my riding.  His wisdom was brief and brusk: get back on and stop whining, which he said all with a smile on his face, which I knew he had faith in my abilities to eliminate the remainder of my fears.  The horse bucks,  rears, runs…deal with it.

When we have a fear in life, we can overcome, we can succeed and we can do it all, without whining.

horse riding Mystic Meadows

4) Being angry changes nothing, get over it

I disclosed to my trainer  how riding again  helped me heal my relationship with my deceased father as I previously held onto resentments and anger, his response was to challenge why I had held onto anger for so many years. He reminded me of how my anger over my fathers poor choices as a man, husband and father were irrelevant to who I am today.  He bluntly told me that he was a man who died a long time ago and I turned out fine.

This statement shocked me as a therapist, I would never suggest ‘just get over it, you’re fine’ to a client.  As I believe so much in therapy is to empower our clients to learn from their history, process their thoughts and feelings and start to put puzzle pieces together to create healing, yet my trainer was right. I had been through therapy myself, worked through a lot of the pain and it really was time for me to get over it.

In real life, this is much easier said than done.  Emotions can really help us learn and be a guide to our healing yet at the same time, isn’t there a limit to some of our self induced suffering, our painful histories that pull us down. We can get to a point when we have worked through it, processed it, prayed upon it, that we can finally say, I am over it.

5) Don’t forget to enjoy it and have fun

      I take riding very seriously, and it is not like I show horses or have some sort of competition in which to perform, I just have a goal to be a strong rider.  When my trainer guides me, I intently listen. I listen and try so hard that my sole focus is on that task or skill. I am even reminded to breathe when I get in this mode.  It is at times when I try so hard that I need to remember the pleasure in riding, the relaxation that comes with it, the energy of the horse and myself.

The lesson of this one is simplistic, try hard and don’t forget to enjoy it. horse zane grey quote

 

There are so many joys and challenges in life.

Remember that you never know who will provide you with that needed wisdom; so keep your ears open, you too may have a surprisingly wise Colombian horse trainer in your life.

 

 

 

 


Jealous Bones

I made a comment recently that,  no other person is a threat to us unless its violence.

Your husband’s secretary, the cute girl working behind the reception counter at the gym, the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, a co-worker and so on. jealousy wine glasses

It seems that many women (and men) have moderate to high levels of jealousy  regarding their spouses/partners.

 

 

Here are a few examples of the thinking patterns that supports jealous thoughts and feelings.

Faulty thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as ‘they’ may ‘steal’ them from me.  all others are a risk to my relationship security.

Fantasy thinking: My partner will never find anyone  more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied that I am the best lover.

Fear, Self-Loathing thinking: Oh look, she is prettier than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know he’ll leave me for her. I hate her.

Wise thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, he/she is appreciating the beauty in another.  I feel secure in myself and in my relationship. If evidence comes up that  my partner crosses physical boundaries with this individual, then we will address it at that time.  Being human, we will find others attractive and have sexual interest in them, in my relationship we recognize this and work to maintain our monogamy. If our monogamy is challenged, I have many choices as to how to handle the situation.

jealous clipJealousy comes from fear, a loss of control, a belief that you are not good enough.

It is a faulty logic that is superceding our rational mind and higher sense of self. When we engage in faulty logic we increase our anxieties, feel scared and lessen our own sense of worth.

Dr Helen Fisher explains jealousy in an article for O magazine,

“Why do we feel jealousy? Therapists often regard the demon as a scar of childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem. And it’s true that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others. But the “monster” actually evolved for positive reasons. Throughout our primordial past it discouraged desertion by a mate, bolstering the family unit and enabling the survival of the young. At the same time, it has pushed us to abandon philanderers—and many a futile match—in favor of more stable and rewarding partnerships. Jealousy can even be good for love. One partner may feel secretly flattered when the other is mildly jealous. And catching someone flirting with your beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship.”

“But jealousy can go seriously awry. Some people, for no apparent reason, become consumed by it, undermining their self-esteem, and even driving their partner into another’s arms—the very outcome they had feared.”             Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships#ixzz2vmqoA8vx

One can utilize their feelings of jealousy in a positive way, to explore what is promoting their jealous feelings and get to the root of the concern.  It may allow you to shift from fearful thinking into wise thinking, or it may be a neon sign letting you know that a big problem resides in your relationship.

No one is a threat to our relationship, if our partner steps out emotionally and/or physically, it is not because of the other person, it IS because of your partners choice.

Remind yourself of your worth and value, shift into healthy-wise thinking, support a relationship that has boundaries in which you feel comfortable.  When a problem arrives address it, until then, don’t let your Jealous Bones create havoc in a likely unnecessary situation.

 

A quote by Robert A Heinlein, provides insight into the opposing factors of jealousy and love.  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”
Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

 

 

 

 


Valentine’s Hoopla

Tis the season of roses, chocolates and love notes. two hearts

Tis the season for my nausea.

I’m not a bah humbug, I’m just over the commercialization of romance.

Approximately 151 million Hallmark cards are purchased each year for this holiday.  Does Hallmark have lobbyist to keep the charade going?

Why is this a charade?

Because real relationships, real lovers, don’t need a calendar reminder to send gifts, notes of appreciation, and fancy dinners to show the other love on Februrary 14th.

Save your money and buy me some great flowers in March from Trader Joe’s to show your appreciation.

Set up a couples massage in December because we all need one during the holiday season.

Propose to me when you can’t stand not being my husband for the rest of your life, not because a calendar reminds you that it might be a good date to do so.

bubble bathRun me a bubble bath after a stressful day of work.

Buy me a great red wine to celebrate our accomplishments.

 

 

 

Many articles and programs are out to tell you how to spice up your relationship, how to romance your date away, and where to buy some great French chocolates.

Take heed in the advice, particularly the French chocolates because they are to die for, yet use it in your time.

We all enjoy appreciation, validation and acceptance.  Tell your partner, and not just on Valentines Day.

This is what keeps relationships rich.

Time together, words of empowerment and validation, compromise, teamwork, and laughter are the bricks and mortar of a strong relationship.

That’s what we want – right?

Do I need to purchase some red lingerie to show you that you’re wanted and I’m ready to be frisky?

Sure, but wear it throughout the year and surprise your partner.red lingerie

Let them know you want them, how good they smell, taste and look to you.

It is wise to say Happy Valentines Day and particularly to support Hallmark with a card, so we don’t feel ignored during the holiday, just take the message of the day and spread it throughout the year.

The history to this celebration is quite interesting. From the ancient Roman celebration of Lupercalia.

Lupercalia,… was anciently celebrated by shepherds…many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy…The Lupercalia festival was partly in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled the infant orphans “

Some theorist believe it was the Christian conversion (cultural take over) that took the date from the Romans and converted it into another celebration, that of the martyr Saint Valentines which dates back to the 5th Century.  Many “Valentines” were in existence, yet it is the lovely legend of the Saint Valentine that rebelled against the Roman Emperor Claudius II who outlawed marriage of his soliders  (love, committment and family = bad soliders in the emperors opinion) and performed secret weddings.

Ahhhh, the social justice of it all.

Love can prevail.

It seems that Chaucers poetry Parlement of Foules (1382) written for King Richard’s II of England’s engagement really turned Valentines Day into one meant for lovers

Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

 

Oh the eroticism of bird’s mating, really got them in the mood for romance in the 14th century.

Whether it be frolicking in the streets for fertility or standing up for love, Valentines seems to have turned into a  modern day materialization of gifts and demands to share your love.

I say to you- don’t get sucked into the mania of chocolates and roses this week, allow your gestures of love and validation to occur all year round.

Valentines vintage cardThat being said, I do hope for a card, some sex and taking my husband skeet shooting.  Oops, I guess, I too get sucked into the Valentine’s Hoopla


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