Jealous Bones

I made a comment recently that,  no other person is a threat to us unless its violence.

Your husband’s secretary, the cute girl working behind the reception counter at the gym, the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, a co-worker and so on. jealousy wine glasses

It seems that many women (and men) have moderate to high levels of jealousy  regarding their spouses/partners.

 

 

Here are a few examples of the thinking patterns that supports jealous thoughts and feelings.

Faulty thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as ‘they’ may ‘steal’ them from me.  all others are a risk to my relationship security.

Fantasy thinking: My partner will never find anyone  more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied that I am the best lover.

Fear, Self-Loathing thinking: Oh look, she is prettier than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know he’ll leave me for her. I hate her.

Wise thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, he/she is appreciating the beauty in another.  I feel secure in myself and in my relationship. If evidence comes up that  my partner crosses physical boundaries with this individual, then we will address it at that time.  Being human, we will find others attractive and have sexual interest in them, in my relationship we recognize this and work to maintain our monogamy. If our monogamy is challenged, I have many choices as to how to handle the situation.

jealous clipJealousy comes from fear, a loss of control, a belief that you are not good enough.

It is a faulty logic that is superceding our rational mind and higher sense of self. When we engage in faulty logic we increase our anxieties, feel scared and lessen our own sense of worth.

Dr Helen Fisher explains jealousy in an article for O magazine,

“Why do we feel jealousy? Therapists often regard the demon as a scar of childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem. And it’s true that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others. But the “monster” actually evolved for positive reasons. Throughout our primordial past it discouraged desertion by a mate, bolstering the family unit and enabling the survival of the young. At the same time, it has pushed us to abandon philanderers—and many a futile match—in favor of more stable and rewarding partnerships. Jealousy can even be good for love. One partner may feel secretly flattered when the other is mildly jealous. And catching someone flirting with your beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship.”

“But jealousy can go seriously awry. Some people, for no apparent reason, become consumed by it, undermining their self-esteem, and even driving their partner into another’s arms—the very outcome they had feared.”             Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships#ixzz2vmqoA8vx

One can utilize their feelings of jealousy in a positive way, to explore what is promoting their jealous feelings and get to the root of the concern.  It may allow you to shift from fearful thinking into wise thinking, or it may be a neon sign letting you know that a big problem resides in your relationship.

No one is a threat to our relationship, if our partner steps out emotionally and/or physically, it is not because of the other person, it IS because of your partners choice.

Remind yourself of your worth and value, shift into healthy-wise thinking, support a relationship that has boundaries in which you feel comfortable.  When a problem arrives address it, until then, don’t let your Jealous Bones create havoc in a likely unnecessary situation.

 

A quote by Robert A Heinlein, provides insight into the opposing factors of jealousy and love.  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”
Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

 

 

 

 


Valentine’s Hoopla

Tis the season of roses, chocolates and love notes. two hearts

Tis the season for my nausea.

I’m not a bah humbug, I’m just over the commercialization of romance.

Approximately 151 million Hallmark cards are purchased each year for this holiday.  Does Hallmark have lobbyist to keep the charade going?

Why is this a charade?

Because real relationships, real lovers, don’t need a calendar reminder to send gifts, notes of appreciation, and fancy dinners to show the other love on Februrary 14th.

Save your money and buy me some great flowers in March from Trader Joe’s to show your appreciation.

Set up a couples massage in December because we all need one during the holiday season.

Propose to me when you can’t stand not being my husband for the rest of your life, not because a calendar reminds you that it might be a good date to do so.

bubble bathRun me a bubble bath after a stressful day of work.

Buy me a great red wine to celebrate our accomplishments.

 

 

 

Many articles and programs are out to tell you how to spice up your relationship, how to romance your date away, and where to buy some great French chocolates.

Take heed in the advice, particularly the French chocolates because they are to die for, yet use it in your time.

We all enjoy appreciation, validation and acceptance.  Tell your partner, and not just on Valentines Day.

This is what keeps relationships rich.

Time together, words of empowerment and validation, compromise, teamwork, and laughter are the bricks and mortar of a strong relationship.

That’s what we want – right?

Do I need to purchase some red lingerie to show you that you’re wanted and I’m ready to be frisky?

Sure, but wear it throughout the year and surprise your partner.red lingerie

Let them know you want them, how good they smell, taste and look to you.

It is wise to say Happy Valentines Day and particularly to support Hallmark with a card, so we don’t feel ignored during the holiday, just take the message of the day and spread it throughout the year.

The history to this celebration is quite interesting. From the ancient Roman celebration of Lupercalia.

Lupercalia,… was anciently celebrated by shepherds…many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy…The Lupercalia festival was partly in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled the infant orphans “

Some theorist believe it was the Christian conversion (cultural take over) that took the date from the Romans and converted it into another celebration, that of the martyr Saint Valentines which dates back to the 5th Century.  Many “Valentines” were in existence, yet it is the lovely legend of the Saint Valentine that rebelled against the Roman Emperor Claudius II who outlawed marriage of his soliders  (love, committment and family = bad soliders in the emperors opinion) and performed secret weddings.

Ahhhh, the social justice of it all.

Love can prevail.

It seems that Chaucers poetry Parlement of Foules (1382) written for King Richard’s II of England’s engagement really turned Valentines Day into one meant for lovers

Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

 

Oh the eroticism of bird’s mating, really got them in the mood for romance in the 14th century.

Whether it be frolicking in the streets for fertility or standing up for love, Valentines seems to have turned into a  modern day materialization of gifts and demands to share your love.

I say to you- don’t get sucked into the mania of chocolates and roses this week, allow your gestures of love and validation to occur all year round.

Valentines vintage cardThat being said, I do hope for a card, some sex and taking my husband skeet shooting.  Oops, I guess, I too get sucked into the Valentine’s Hoopla


A Reader Asks About Blow Jobs, Painful Sex, and Her Husbands Sex with Others

Question… : My husband has been having sex with another women, because I have never been able to perform oral sex on him the way he wants.

I was a virgin when we met and have never had any experience prior.

I have tried to learn, but I can’t please him.

I also have a problem with him inserting his penis in my vagina.

My vagina seems to be tilted and when he does get it in, it causes me pain.

I want to go to a therapist, but unsure how to locate one or what to do.

Dear Reader, You note a variety of factors in your current situation.
I will address four areas for your interest.
The first is that your husband has chosen to obtain his sexual needs with another partner.
The concept of an open relationship is very workable and can be liberating in a committed relationship.  This decision is about respecting each others sexual and emotional needs and it is best not to enter into such a relationship lightly.
Cheating
  I am wondering whether you made the decision to have an open marriage based upon a poly-amorous philosophy or merely because you feel unable to meet his sexual needs.
If it is about his needs only, I am concerned this may challenge your self esteem and feelings of worth. If you plan to end the open aspect of your marriage after you feel comfortable sexually, you may want to reconsider your current situation.
Secondly, if you are having difficulty performing oral sex on your husband, there are a variety of books and tips to help assist you in providing a fantastic blow job:

Plus a variety of web articles and video such as:
Giving oral sex is not only about accommodating your partners penis in your mouth, you may lick, stroke, and utilize a masturbation sleeve for more of an sucking sensation. You can purchase one at :
fleshlight
If you are using a variety of techniques and are open to experimentation and your partner is still not satisfied, then he just might be using that as an excuse to gain sexual pleasure outside of the marriage.
Third, you mention concerns with vaginal pain during penetrative intercourse.
I recommend you visit your OB/GYN to explore possible physical abnormalities and search collaboratively for treatments to assist you in a pleasurable intercourse experience.
Sex-Positions
If you find no significant vaginal abnormalities outside of a tilted vaginal canal, I suggest using a variety of sexual positions to find the one that provides you with comfort during penetration.
It is very important to be fully lubricated by your natural vaginal lubrication or through aids such as Astroglide, as well as receiving a significant amount of stimulation on your whole body that includes your breasts and clitoris.
When women are not fully aroused, pain is not uncommon.
You may find this article helpful:
Lastly, I believe couples therapy would be very beneficial to address your concerns.
To find a certified sex therapist visit: www.aasect.org; you may also find sex therapists on www.psychologytoday.com where you type in your location and sexual therapy as a specialty to locate professionals in your area.
I hope these tips help you in creating the relationship you desire and deserve.
May you experience pleasure in your bedroom and comfort in your relationship choices whether that is an open or monogamous marriage.
This question came into We Want More
and as a trusted Expert for We Want More I responded

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

An excellent article detailing what it takes to really love:

Being There

Being Beneficent 

Being Non-Maleficent

Making a Commitment

Being Loyal 

Being Consistent

Being Candid

Being Trustworthy

Being Consistent

Being Empathetic 

Being Tolerant

 

 

 


Sex & Horses

What does horse riding & sex have in common?
How do you like to be touched?
Do you like a soft, light touch or prefer more intensity with spurs & a crop.
Paying attention to not only ways we like to be touched but how your partner touches you. Shift touch in ways that’s mutually satisfying. Watch for tips.


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