Getting More of What You Want in Bed…..

While engaging in a lively discussion with some male peers, the topic of conversation led directly to oral sex.  The men asked how they could receive more oral sex from their partner.  When responding to this question, I was oddly reminded of my son’s behavior plan of using chips/tokens (aka:A Token Economy).  Tokens are gained through positive choices and are ‘cashed in’ for privileges.  The reinforcement is:  more positive behaviors = getting more of what you want.

Statistics have recently shown in heterosexual relationships, the more a male helps out with household chores, the more sex in which he engages.

As we all recognize, men and women have a multitude of differences.  In stress management for example, men can actually prefer to have sexual relations when stressed as a way to become more calm and relaxed; women on the other hand have a tendency to avoid sex during stressful times as it is often viewed as “just another  task” to be complete, “another need to meet”, with 50 million thoughts remaining on her mind.  The link between housework and sex is based upon the fact that the more a male participates in housework, the more the female feels she is in a balanced relationship with an emphasis on teamwork. When women feel emotionally supported and  know their partner is a team player, the more they are able to relax, the more time available, and the more likely they are to share their bodies sexually.

This is just one example of how positive choices lead to an increase in gaining more of what you want.  I do NOT suggest to participate in helping your partner only to gain sexual favors,  I DO suggest the more investment you provide to your relationship the higher the returns.  Understanding the basis for how a token economy system used to improve compliance in children through reinforcements,  can lead one to see the  many parallels in our adult relationships.

There is a short answer to this question of how to get more of what you want in bed:

1) INVEST  time and energy in your relationship  – teamwork!

2) COMMUNICATE your sexual interests and needs.



Housework is just one example of how to improve your relationship through the balancing of roles and a team focus.  Ask you partner what she needs to feel more supported, less stressed, and more open to pleasure.

With the above steps, you can ‘cash in’ your ‘tokens’ for many ‘privileges’.

About Anton Therapy

As a psychotherapist specializing in sexual concerns, I believe that communication and compromise, with a playful and open attitude are key components to a healthy intimate life. I infuse compassion, enthusiasm and a collaborative approach in treatment that puts clients at ease in discussing such personal topics. I hope this blog helps to open your mind, promote healthy sex, and encourages you to have a desire for intimacy and life! View all posts by Anton Therapy

One response to “Getting More of What You Want in Bed…..

  • stuwho

    The relationship between housework and sex is complicated, and percieved differently between the genders

    When I observed that my wife was rather obsessive about tidying our house constantly, she remarked:

    “Well, when it comes to housework I’m a bit anal”

    Unfortunately, it turned out that we understood totally different things by that phrase, and she’ll never again bend over to polish the furnitue in my presence


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