Monthly Archives: May 2011

Orgasms, Do I Ejaculate too quickly?

This is the first of my video blogs which provides a brief discussion of how fast is too fast.


Pleasure not Performance

Diversify your love play

Ejaculation does not mean sex is over



Am I Hot? Am I sexy?

This question is asked so often that you can submit your photo to various websites and have others rate your sexiness:,,, or get the Iphone app- “Am I hot” and “Am I sexy” for those daily sexy check-ins.

Still not sure if you’re sexy enough, you can take a variety of quizzes: ,, or my new favorite, which determined my Supermodel Sexy status!  Despite its lack of validity, I am holding onto that status… I mean how often does a nearly 40 year old red headed, fair skinned, mother, wife, therapist get that high of a ranking. Particularly when I am reminded of a  study in the Journal of Applied Psychology that showed … ‘no tan’ is perceived as both least healthy and attractive. After which I am boosted back into confidence with the Urban Dictionary definition of a red head as “An exotic woman with a fiery temper. One of the most beautiful creatures on Earth, too bad there are so little of them. Rumored to have a three times as powerful sex drive as normal women.” Wow…That is Supermodel Sexy.

See, hot is a commodity.

Everyone wants to know.

Who do men find Sexy?

According to, The number one ranked,Top 99 Sexy Women 2011 Edition is: Blake Lively

Esquire votes Katrina Boweley as the Sexiest Woman Alive 2011.

FHM’s number one selection- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

I doubt many would disagree with the FHM vote!

The reasons behind the picks are obvious physical beauty.

Yet what about the rest of us with muffin tops, acne, pointy noses, knobby knees, wrinkles and  a love of cats?

According to a WikiHow article,, they provide 6 tips of how to be hot and a list of things you’ll need to increase your chances of ‘hotness’.  The authors noted a ‘Hot Need’ as:

  • Makeup
  • Decent but at the same time stylish clothes
  • Skin tight jeans
  • Chic accessories
  • Great pair of shoes
Now this “How To” video actually uses research to validate there points.
I thought for a moment it was satire, but unfortunately I was wrong. is always the best place to go for a video laugh:
They just lay it out there: Beer makes girls sexy
I discovered a list of secret ways to be irresistible to a man (I would include women in here also), by Brandon Martin.
Mr. Martin list 12 Secrets to Irresistibility:
1. Sense of Humor
2. Youthfulness (as a state of mind)
3. Body Language
4. Positive Emotional Expression
5. Patience
6. Self Care & Beauty
7. Intelligence
8. Not “needing” but wanting (the relationship/person)
9. Nurturance
10.Sexually Adventurous
11. Love
12. Integrity
Right on Brandon!
What does research tell us?

According to a recent APA article,

“Women find happy men less sexually attractive than those with expressions that show pride or hint that they have done wrong and know it, according to Canadian researchers. The men’s reaction was just the opposite. Women who smile are absolutely very attractive. That was by far the most attractive expression women showed”.  [photo:]

Alright, so ladies, now we scientifically know to: SMILE.  Yet I must ask about personality?  To me, this is what makes most of us attractive. In the Journal of Social Psychology Swami, et al. (2010), researchers  asked males to rate “the attractiveness of photographs of various female figures (ranging from emaciated to obese). Some participant groups received positive personality information about the women in the pictures (extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, open, and stable), while others received negative personality information, or no information at all. Results found that all groups agreed on the body shape that was “most” attractive. However, groups given positive personality information found a significantly wider range of body sizes physically attractive, compared to the control group. Groups given negative personality information found a significantly narrower range of body sizes attractive than the control group.”

Lewandowski, Aron, and Gee (2007) study Personality Goes a Long Way, supports this effect. “The authors found that pictures paired with positive traits were rated as more attractive, and those paired with negative traits were rated as less attractive, when compared to controls…Finally, the effect also influenced judgments of desirability as a dating partner.”

“Additional research found that perceived honesty affects judgments of physical attractiveness as well (Paunonen, 2006). Similarly, naturalistic studies also show that judgments of physical attractiveness are influenced by familiarity, liking, respect, talent, and effort (Kniffin & Wilson, 2004). This occurs with both men and women. Overall, personality and character information appears to have an impact on perceptions of physical attractiveness.”

Yeah! Personality is HOT!

Have you ever asked, What if I don’t have much looks OR personality?  Don’t fret Jae with Kinowear has some tips:

“If you’re trying to build a more attractive personality, the most effective way to do this is to surround yourself with people who are better than you in an area you want to improve. They give you the belief that it’s possible to get there, advice and feedback on the spot when you need it, and a competitive drive to fill the gap between where you are and where you want to be.   Whether you’re trying to learn how to be funnier, more confident with women, or more stylish, go out there and get as much DIRECT second-hand knowledge as possible, but remember to work harder to take action on it and make it your OWN (first-hand) experience. This in turn will create the BELIEF structure that will fuel you towards more growth in that area. Without any belief you won’t have the foundation to grow at all.You have no excuse not to go out there and build a part of your personality. It’s easier than it sounds. Follow these principles and enjoy the ride.  Jae”

If you want to know if you’re sexy, just ask yourself:

Do I feel sexy?

Do I  shine as a person, am I optimistic?

Is my life filled with positive relationships?

Do I have an open giving spirit, honesty, and integrity?

Do I feel confident in my sexual self?

If so, then YES ….you too are “Supermodel Sexy’…but don’t forget to……..SMILE! (and get off those silly ‘sexy’ sites)

I have the answer!: Why Schwarzenegger cheated with the maid.

The Arnold Schwarzeneggers affair and child with the maid is all over the headlines as the cause of his separation and soon to be divorce from Maria Shriver. This long standing couple maintained a 25 year marriage and had four children. Many experts are talking about the role power plays in men who have affairs.  Having social and financial power can encourage feelings of  invincibility, heightened ego, and a sense of entitlement; therefore believing in the illusion of – no consequences.  This theory can ring true in many situations, yet it in no ways explains the rate of extra marital affairs for the rest of us: plumbers, stay at home moms, accountants, nurses and the like. [photo:]

Research supports that 20-40% of men  and 20-25% of females engage in sexual affairs during their lifetime.  I do not believe the jilted spouse will feel too pleased or comforted with any answer they receive as to why the affair took place, yet there are a myriad of reasons, such as:  getting caught in order to depart or even ‘patch’ up the marriage ;  to gain more attention and independence; to supplement their marriage; to feel special, wanted, desired, and attractive; some want revenge; to feel youthful; more manly or feminine; some crave drama or adventure and lets not forget just plain bored. These are social and psychological influences behind why people have affairs.  This does not include our biological influences.  Helen Fischer states in her article Cheating Science, ” sexual betrayal is so widespread in nature that scientists now refer to monogamous species as practicing “social monogamy,” in which partners “play house” with one  individual…and cheat with others.”

Are we even meant to be monogamous? We know of the commonality of low libido in long term monogamous relationships, the high rate of divorce and the percentage of those having affairs nearing one half, many of us are effected. According to Christopher Ryan, Ph.D., a psychologist, teacher, and author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality (HarperCollins),”…human beings are clearly evolved for sex lives featuring multiple simultaneous sexual relationships.  Men, especially, are designed by evolution to be attracted to sexual novelty and to gradually lose sexual attraction to the same partner in the absence of such novelty. ”  This biological explanation does not excuse infidelity, yet it does allow us to consider innate temptation, hormonal influences, and the active control/restraint to stay faithful.  Biological influences may be more in play than one would guess, Glass and Wright (1985) report that some 56% of men and 34% of females described their marriage as “happy” or “very happy” even when engaging in extra marital affairs.  Monogamy is a choice, and sometimes that choice is very difficult.

Now in Schwarzenegger’s case, no one will truly know with 100% certainty why he chose to have an affair with the maid Patty, yet along with the above possibilities we must include: opportunity and proximity.

It is a rare day when one finds some validity albeit humorously on a comedy sitcom.  While watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother, the character Barney Stinton explains how a woman one finds very unattractive one day, can appear beautiful on another day and he goes on to describe the humorous- “Mermaid Theory”.  See the below skit to learn more and hopefully laugh.

Schwarzenegger had social and financial power, a long term marriage, male biology, and a female maid who worked for their family for 20 years.  In my opinion, it is likely that the most influential component in his decision to ‘step out’ was availability and opportunity. After 10 years, this maid (manatee) turned into a mermaid.

Now- you have your answer as to why Arnold had the affair…..’The Mermaid Theory’.

Ten Things Favre Would Tell Cam:Ten Things I Would Tell Him Also.

Dan Van Wie wrote an article in The Bleacher Report entitled “Cam Newton: Top Ten Things Brett Favre Would Tell The Rookie QB as his Mentor” (5/18/11).

  1. Learn How to Bide your Time as a Rookie.
  2. How to Use your Fame for Endorsement Deals.
  3. How to Command Credibility and Respect.
  4. QB Style: Their Games Don’t Exactly Match Up.
  5. Talk about Being an Entertainer and Icon and The Social Media.
  6. Know When its Time to Walk Away.
  7. How to Stay in Shape.
  8. How to Read the NFL Defense.
  9. How to Deal with the Media.
  10. How to Retain your Passion for the Game and Keep Having Fun.

I would highly encourage you to read his elaboration on the above 10.   [photo:]

Mr Van Wie’s list inspired me to make my own Top Ten list, one that parallels the main message above with the underpinnings of sex and relationships, as a “Sexual Mentor”.

1) Patience my Dear, Female Orgasms take Time.  Men are straight shooters, on average having orgasms 90% of the time.   Men’s orgasms are faster and appear to be easier to achieve.  If a man is engaging in intercourse without pause, he will most likely ejaculate in 3 to 5 minutes.  As many things can be more difficult with females, orgasms can present a challenge.  With intercourse only, 20% of women achieve orgasm. Why the discrepancy?  The female core of pleasure nerves lie in the clitoris (more nerve endings than in the whole penis); intercourse provides some direct and indirect stimulation of the clitoris during thrusting motion yet often not enough needed to put us over the top.  Even though orgasm isn’t the goal in sex- pleasure is….. clitoral stimulation over 15 to 20 minutes time, often gets us there. Total body and genital stimulation helps women to orgasm 60+% of the time.  So Cam, be patient, vary stimulation/speed/lubrication and patiently wait for her big “O”.

2) How to Use your Fame to Select your Sexual Partners. The women will come in droves, many at the doorstep all ready.  Gaining a sexual partner will be as easy as pointing your finger. Selecting wisely and with safe sex strategies another.  When Favre metaphorically got in bed with Madden it drastically boosted his endorsement deals and widened his fan base- this strategy benefitted: player, product, and fan.  When you choose who to literally go to bed with, think about: their sexual history, sobriety, respect to all parties involved, safe sex, a person with both brains and beauty, and their motives. It may be fun just to have sex with the swarms of women that come your way without consideration for many of the above thoughts, yet unwise choices with unhealthy (emotionally &/or physically) people are very heavy. Select a bed partner that benefits: you, the sexual partner and your future.

3)Gain Credibility and Respect in the Bedroom. Self respect is the first step to gaining respect from others.  When one respects themselves they tend to make choices that reflect integrity and character.  Eliminate the B.S., don’t say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’ll call you’ unless you mean it; don’t make any false promises to the ladies. Make sure sexual behaviors are reciprocated….sex is only a one sided pleasure when masturbating.  Show selectiveness when choosing a sexual partner. Friends with benefits does exist yet you have to maintain the friends part or it just becomes a person to call for sex when interested.  Exhibit humbleness, I’m not saying don’t be proud of the sexual skills you’ve developed or not to acknowledge your physique yet do so in a humble manner. Ask a woman what she wants, sexually and afterwards. Always have safe sex, it respects both you and your sexual partner. Condoms may interfere with 100% penile sensation (giving you instead 90%) yet it feels a lot better than pissing fire when you have an STD or of course, having a life threatening illness-(HIV).   (I recommend Trojan Skyn or Durex extra sensitive for increased sensation)

4) Whether a QB or an Average Joe, Size only Says So Much: We hear a lot about the size of the male penis; it seems bigger is better. Yet this is not always the case.  When penises are too large they can create pain in the vagina and to the cervix and well as be almost impossible to place in your mouth-both in diameter and length. I have never heard a woman discuss the size of her vagina…I doubt women really even know the ‘average’ size of the vaginal canal.  Vaginas in their daily state are around 3 1/2 inches in length, once aroused they can expand up to 5 1/2 inches or so.  This mean that the man with a ‘reported’ 7 1/2″ penis, doesn’t even need 2 of those inches.  Typical penises are between 5 to 6 inches when erect.  It appears that the diameter/width of a penis is more related to pleasure due to the feeling of fullness women gain and enjoy.   5 1/2 inches is enough, the rest is for show.  Despite its size, its how you use it to both you and your partners satisfaction. My message to the men out there whether you are a large or small penis guy- enjoy and use what you have- stop comparisons, wrap it up, and get your game on!

5) The Spotlight can Light You Up or Burn You. Being in the position of a popular sports figure plus with the advantages of attractiveness, athleticism, and funds,  the opportunity to meet and date highly attractive females will come with relative ease.  When the spotlight is on, it is easy and without conscience attention to become a ego maniac- everyone loves me, I can get anything I want, I am invincible, bring it!  Well a part of it true, fans with love you, ladies will cling to you,your attractiveness is obvious, yet you will remain human and under scrutiny of the press.  As humans we all make mistakes, guaranteed. The unfortunate part of being in the spotlight is that everyone gets to see, hear or read about your mistakes both on and off the field.  Use your charm and skill to shine and humbleness to lessen the burn.

6)Sometimes  you Walk. Knowing when to walk away and doing it, is two different things. We often know when we are making unwise decisions in relationships or just in the bedroom and we frequently say ‘oh well, what the hell’, yet repeating this pattern will lead you to a dead end.  As a ‘cake eater’ myself meaning – I want my cake and eat it too- I can recognize the desires to gain, obtain, and experience.  Surprising as it may be, those that gain all their ‘wants/desires’ often report unhappiness and general dissatisfaction with life.  It appears that healthy limits and boundaries increase happiness!  So- not getting ‘everything’ we want benefits us. Learning when to walk away shows wisdom and can lead to a happier life.

7) Regular Sex is Good for your Health. Engaging in safe sex 3 or more times per week reduces your risk of heart attack and stroke by 50%!  Its boosts immunity 30%, improves circulation and sleep, burns calories and is fun. Ejaculating 5 times or more per week drastically reduces your risk for prostate cancer and is even linked to a longer life span.

8) Learning to Read others is  Challenging. Emotional IQ is just as, if not more so, important than intellectual IQ. Emotional Intellect is perceiving, using, understanding and regulating emotions in both ourselves and in others. Learning to read the defensive line in play can be difficult, now trying to read or better understand both yourself and others- thats a big challenge that takes time, insight, self awareness, and practice. This skill will not only benefit you as an athlete but also as a man. I recommend you accept this challenge.

9) Media’s pitfalls  Outside of the obvious  paparazzi, all eyes will be on you. That not only includes your performance on the field but off.  Easy ways to avoid pitfalls:  a.) no sex with underage girls          b.) no sex texting    c.)no penis pics       d.) don’t videotape yourself having sex or let others tape you     e.) don’t have sex with your friends woman or your household help  f.) manage your substance consumption so you don’t look like a drunken fool out on the town   g.) always use a condom to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STD’s  h.) don’t say you have tiger blood   i.) don’t refer to yourself in 3rd person …many more can be added to this list, but its a good starting point.

10) Maintaining Passion and Zest in your Relationships.  If you choose to engage in a monogamous relationship, it will have many rewards and some challenges, such as how to maintain passion in the bedroom.  There are many ways one can maintain or create passion in the bedroom: vary up sex,  enact or share fantasies, keep flirting, be a team player at home and contribute, date, prioritize, surprise, and… keep dating.  Women want sex, adventure, validation and a companion.

The list of 10 Tips from this “Sexual Mentor” can help you succeed in your own game. Enjoy the practice, suit up and PLAY!

Ochocino was too fast on the bull, lasting only 1.5 seconds; Do you ever wonder if you’re too fast?

Many men worry they are too quick to ejaculate during sex.   Rapid ejaculation is noted  as the highest sexual concern (dysfunction) listed by men aged 18-59, with a rate of  25-45%.  So how fast is too fast?

Ochocinco was too fast during his recent bull ride this past weekend where he rode a mere 1.5 seconds. To top it off he appeared to be full of braggadocio both before and after the very short ride.                  (This is a shot of the bull with Ocho falling off the left side)

In order for a bull rider to score points, they must ride a minimum of 8 seconds.   In this case 8 seconds is the goal–that wouldn’t work so well in the bedroom. Bull riding is scored on two fronts: the rider and the bull.  When judging the rider, points are given for control, rhythm and matching the movement of the bull, style and spurring.  This scoring style humorously parallels positives in the bedroom: rhythm, matching partner, and style.

Eight seconds is the goal on the bull, in the bedroom 3 to 13 minutes is considered ‘good enough’. If you are having a full body love play session, a typical time frame is 45 minutes.  How does good sex range from 3 minutes to 45?

Type…timing…stimulation…mutual desires…context

Three minutes is great for a quickie! Grab your partner, bend them over the kitchen table and bam- 3 minutes fun and playful sex.  It works. This would not continue to work if it were the only style you used. Your partner would just look at their watch, whistle, and its done. It also wouldn’t work so well to have 45 minute sex bent over the kitchen table…say bruises and leg cramps anyone?  While being the ‘giver’ of (oral) sex to a man, three minutes can be preferable over the 10 to 15 minute my jaw is hurting, I’m occasionally gagging, and ready to breathe regularly now, sex .

If you were planning a full romantic night and just started with the love play and oh my…not yet…3 minutes- it might not feel too satisfying. Good enough sex shows a great level of variety and its all within context. 3 minutes great here, fail there.  When speaking with men about their concerns related to rapid ejaculation, it seems they most often judge intercourse as the fastest orgasm inducer.  When someone is engaged in a 45 minute love play session…with mutual or self masturbation, oral sex and intercourse plus, they have a stop start, restart stimulating whole body method; therefore not receiving a 100% direct and non stop penile stimulus.  If the man is engaging in intercourse only: going for the pure thrusting motion without stop, he receives a constant level of friction, tightness and speed. This combination is very stimulating and without a withdraw, change of stimulus, breather…most men ejaculate in 3 to 5 minutes.  So stop judging yourself, realize intercourse feels great and to keep your erection lasting longer add diversity, breathe and enjoy.

When you take your mind off of the pleasure of the feelings and satisfaction of being with your partner and instead focus on ‘don’t cum’ thoughts….you have just ended good sex. You have disengaged from pleasure and engaged in performance oriented, self judging sex. No fun!  The whole ‘whose on third base’ thoughts on baseball to reduce your focus on the stimulation or pleasure you’re receiving also distracts or disengages you.  Focus on the pleasure, the person, the experience, and Enjoy! Performance is out and Pleasure is in. You and your partner can decide if you feel ejaculation is happening too quickly to your mutual satisfaction.

Remember just because you have an orgasm doesn’t mean sex is over, its over when both you and your partner decide.

In  bull riding, once you’re off the bull- you’re done.  In sex, once you ejaculate you still have hands and a mouth and can continue the ‘ride’.

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