Am I Hot? Am I sexy?

This question is asked so often that you can submit your photo to various websites and have others rate your sexiness:,,, or get the Iphone app- “Am I hot” and “Am I sexy” for those daily sexy check-ins.

Still not sure if you’re sexy enough, you can take a variety of quizzes: ,, or my new favorite, which determined my Supermodel Sexy status!  Despite its lack of validity, I am holding onto that status… I mean how often does a nearly 40 year old red headed, fair skinned, mother, wife, therapist get that high of a ranking. Particularly when I am reminded of a  study in the Journal of Applied Psychology that showed … ‘no tan’ is perceived as both least healthy and attractive. After which I am boosted back into confidence with the Urban Dictionary definition of a red head as “An exotic woman with a fiery temper. One of the most beautiful creatures on Earth, too bad there are so little of them. Rumored to have a three times as powerful sex drive as normal women.” Wow…That is Supermodel Sexy.

See, hot is a commodity.

Everyone wants to know.

Who do men find Sexy?

According to, The number one ranked,Top 99 Sexy Women 2011 Edition is: Blake Lively

Esquire votes Katrina Boweley as the Sexiest Woman Alive 2011.

FHM’s number one selection- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

I doubt many would disagree with the FHM vote!

The reasons behind the picks are obvious physical beauty.

Yet what about the rest of us with muffin tops, acne, pointy noses, knobby knees, wrinkles and  a love of cats?

According to a WikiHow article,, they provide 6 tips of how to be hot and a list of things you’ll need to increase your chances of ‘hotness’.  The authors noted a ‘Hot Need’ as:

  • Makeup
  • Decent but at the same time stylish clothes
  • Skin tight jeans
  • Chic accessories
  • Great pair of shoes
Now this “How To” video actually uses research to validate there points.
I thought for a moment it was satire, but unfortunately I was wrong. is always the best place to go for a video laugh:
They just lay it out there: Beer makes girls sexy
I discovered a list of secret ways to be irresistible to a man (I would include women in here also), by Brandon Martin.
Mr. Martin list 12 Secrets to Irresistibility:
1. Sense of Humor
2. Youthfulness (as a state of mind)
3. Body Language
4. Positive Emotional Expression
5. Patience
6. Self Care & Beauty
7. Intelligence
8. Not “needing” but wanting (the relationship/person)
9. Nurturance
10.Sexually Adventurous
11. Love
12. Integrity
Right on Brandon!
What does research tell us?

According to a recent APA article,

“Women find happy men less sexually attractive than those with expressions that show pride or hint that they have done wrong and know it, according to Canadian researchers. The men’s reaction was just the opposite. Women who smile are absolutely very attractive. That was by far the most attractive expression women showed”.  [photo:]

Alright, so ladies, now we scientifically know to: SMILE.  Yet I must ask about personality?  To me, this is what makes most of us attractive. In the Journal of Social Psychology Swami, et al. (2010), researchers  asked males to rate “the attractiveness of photographs of various female figures (ranging from emaciated to obese). Some participant groups received positive personality information about the women in the pictures (extraverted, agreeable, conscientious, open, and stable), while others received negative personality information, or no information at all. Results found that all groups agreed on the body shape that was “most” attractive. However, groups given positive personality information found a significantly wider range of body sizes physically attractive, compared to the control group. Groups given negative personality information found a significantly narrower range of body sizes attractive than the control group.”

Lewandowski, Aron, and Gee (2007) study Personality Goes a Long Way, supports this effect. “The authors found that pictures paired with positive traits were rated as more attractive, and those paired with negative traits were rated as less attractive, when compared to controls…Finally, the effect also influenced judgments of desirability as a dating partner.”

“Additional research found that perceived honesty affects judgments of physical attractiveness as well (Paunonen, 2006). Similarly, naturalistic studies also show that judgments of physical attractiveness are influenced by familiarity, liking, respect, talent, and effort (Kniffin & Wilson, 2004). This occurs with both men and women. Overall, personality and character information appears to have an impact on perceptions of physical attractiveness.”

Yeah! Personality is HOT!

Have you ever asked, What if I don’t have much looks OR personality?  Don’t fret Jae with Kinowear has some tips:

“If you’re trying to build a more attractive personality, the most effective way to do this is to surround yourself with people who are better than you in an area you want to improve. They give you the belief that it’s possible to get there, advice and feedback on the spot when you need it, and a competitive drive to fill the gap between where you are and where you want to be.   Whether you’re trying to learn how to be funnier, more confident with women, or more stylish, go out there and get as much DIRECT second-hand knowledge as possible, but remember to work harder to take action on it and make it your OWN (first-hand) experience. This in turn will create the BELIEF structure that will fuel you towards more growth in that area. Without any belief you won’t have the foundation to grow at all.You have no excuse not to go out there and build a part of your personality. It’s easier than it sounds. Follow these principles and enjoy the ride.  Jae”

If you want to know if you’re sexy, just ask yourself:

Do I feel sexy?

Do I  shine as a person, am I optimistic?

Is my life filled with positive relationships?

Do I have an open giving spirit, honesty, and integrity?

Do I feel confident in my sexual self?

If so, then YES ….you too are “Supermodel Sexy’…but don’t forget to……..SMILE! (and get off those silly ‘sexy’ sites)

About Anton Therapy

As a psychotherapist specializing in sexual concerns, I believe that communication and compromise, with a playful and open attitude are key components to a healthy intimate life. I infuse compassion, enthusiasm and a collaborative approach in treatment that puts clients at ease in discussing such personal topics. I hope this blog helps to open your mind, promote healthy sex, and encourages you to have a desire for intimacy and life! View all posts by Anton Therapy

One response to “Am I Hot? Am I sexy?

  • Huff

    I thought it very interesting about positive and negative personality traits affecting the boundaries of what constitutes the most attractive body shape. But as you say there is more to being sexy than just a physical shape. The FHM list does show the shallowness of what some people think “sexy” is. Sure Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is an attractive woman. Being a lingerie model helps, as most men find near-naked women sexy but I’m pretty sure she’s number one because of a certain film she will be appearing in and that says a great deal about the age and maturity of FHM readers.

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