Monthly Archives: July 2011

Your Vulva as Your BFF

Summers Eve wants women to become bff’s with their vaginas,  to be a ‘side kick’,  and give some love to their ‘vertical smile’.   They have created a whole marketing campaign entitled “Hail to the V”

Giving your vulva some loving… I’m all for it!

Clean genitals, feeling good about your vulva, being open to pleasure in your sexual partnership as well as on your own with masturbation,  and lets take it up one level to say-Vaginal Hubris.

Yet to have a company create a need by basically saying ‘your vulvas so stinky you need my product to be clean and smell good’, give me a break!

Our society sends negative messages about the natural smell of a vulva.  I’m sure you’ve heard of fish tacos, crotch rot,  stinky mulholland, garbage water, and a smelly kelly.

A distinct sexual challenge many women experience with the negative social messages is that their vulva is unattractive and indeed foul smelling .  This limits women’s ability to fully relax while engaging in love play and receiving oral sex.  It is all too common of a discussion in my practice with statements such as, ‘I worry I smell’,  ‘I don’t think its attractive’,  ‘its yucky ‘down there’,  ‘he shouldn’t have to do that’ and basically  ‘gross’.

Despite the blatant fact that receiving oral sex can be very enjoyable, plus with the direct stimulation to the vulva and particularly the clitoris with your partners tongue and fingers, it can bring vast pleasure.

We deserve pleasure-  both giving and receiving.

Our genitals sweat: vulvas, penis/testicles and anal areas.

Genital cleanliness is important for both sexes, not just women.  Isn’t it interesting that we have so many words to describe unclean vulvas yet limited for men?

I don’t know many, if any women, who would be interested in providing oral sex to their male partner after they mowed the lawn in 90 degree temperature.

Can you say salty balls, cheese cock, monkey butt? (see I did think of a few words for males HA).

Fortunately, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert continue to Rally for Sanity in many areas including this one. The Colbert Report came up with a male version of the Summers Eve commercial.

Both men and women: Wipe down, clean off your genitals; you have no need for special products, grab your soap and washcloth and go have fun.

Lets gain some vulva confidence.

Men like women who feel good about their bodies, know what they like, and are open to pleasure.

Your vulva can be a BFF (even without Summers Eve products).

Lust, Just one of the Seven Deadly Sins

Lust, Lust, and more Lust.

This week I was discussing my fantasy of opening a breakfast restaurant in a beach tourist location upon my retirement with the theme of the “7 Deadly Sins”.  I recognize I would need to choose a liberal beach community such as Key West to avoid the ‘wrath’ I might receive from the devoutly religious.

Wrath, Greed, Pride, Sloth, Lust, Envy and Gluttony.

It may prove challenging to create a menu based upon these themes, yet I found it intriguing to utilize these sins in a food fashion;  while using humor at addressing our human frailties and vices.

Over 1.7 thousand years ago, the 4th century  monk Evagrius Ponticus created a list of eight “evil thoughts”: Gluttony, Fornication, Avarice, Hubris, Sadness, Wrath, Boasting and Dejection.

In 590 AD, Pope Gregory I revised Ponticus list to create the base form of what we view in our modern society of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Being a sexual therapist, lust is on the forefront of my practice.  Too much lust, not enough lust, is this ‘normal’ lust, how do I deal with my lust, oh I’m awful….LUST.

Lust is usually thought of as excessive sexual thoughts and desires .

“In Dante’s Purgatorio, the penitent walks within flames to purge himself of lustful/sexual thoughts and feelings. In Dante’s “Inferno”, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in restless hurricane-like winds symbolic of their own lack of self control to their lustful passions in earthly life.”

Look at the punishment related to our human instincts towards lust: Walking into flames, hurricanes and more.

Despite the validity of our vices recognized even in the 4th Century, it is the shame element that continues to haunt us in the 21st century.

Even in current society, most of us have heard of sex as our ‘dirty little secret’,  ‘don’t touch down there’, ‘women are not suppose to enjoy it, want it, crave it”.  In Danish history, as in many other cultures I presume , they would tether little girls hands at night to prevent self stimulation.  In the Victorian age, chair legs needed to be covered to avoid someone feeling ‘aroused’.  Boys received messages that masturbation led to hairy palms and even insanity.  Lets not forget about ‘Chastity Belts’ .

All shamed based messages about our innate sexual selves.

When we look at our hormones that fuel lust (testosterone in particular), we have a more realistic and biological view of its role in each of our lives.  Where does shame belong in biology?

It is only our choices related to our natural lustful urges that may contribute to feelings of shame: if we disrespect our self, our relationships, make unsafe choices, or even harm another.

Lust is pervasive in our humanness as well as expressed in our culture. Strip clubs bring in revenues of $75 billion, the porn industry accounts for approximately $57 Billion and every second over 400 people are searching for porn online.

My site alone has received over 10 thousand hits in 3 1/2 month from the word ‘SEXY’.   The most clicked on picture  on my site is an attractive female.

We are naturally drawn to beauty, to experience lust and desire, to want to see, feel, and touch another.

Lust is part of who we are.

When we accept this as a natural part of who we are, managing our lustful choices can become more manageable.

Despite lust being one of the 7 deadly sins, it can be rejoiced and enjoyed in a responsible fashion with moderation, compassion, respect for self and other, and safety.

Maybe I will one day open that fantasized restaurant, although I think “Gluttony” would be the predominant theme.

For today, its Lust, Lust and more…lust.

Penis…here today, gone tomorrow

Can you imagine waking up to find your wife or girlfriend had cut off your penis?!?

Thats what happened to Catherine Kieu Becker’s 60 year old real estate broker husband.  After she drugged him, tied him up to the bed and castrated him with a knife, he woke to his penis being ground up in the family’s garbage disposal.  Scraps of the penis were recovered by police after Ms. Becker contacted authorities when her husband began bleeding profusely.

She provided the police with no other motive than “he deserved it”.  Ms. Becker age 48 is now in jail and charged with two felony counts, including torture and mayhem, and is facing a possible life sentence.

This scenario is reminiscent of the infamous John and Lorena Bobbitt case.  Lorena was reportedly enraged after being raped by her husband and cut off his penis in 1993; yet John’s take on his castration was revenge for his infidelities.  Mr. Bobbitt was lucky enough to have his penis saved and reattached.  His 30 seconds of fame even led to roles in pornographic movies but limited success. After three failed marriages and multiple arrests for theft and violence, even castration was unable to help John change his ways.  The case helped to shine a spotlight on marital rape and domestic violence.

Penile castration has been sensationalized throughout the years, with most of the focus going on the women and their motives for committing such torturous crimes.

“On July 21, 2008, in Nanjing, China, it was reported that several wives cut off their husband’s penis because they could not stand that their husbands were gambling or cheating on them…Most of these female criminals were younger than 35, most get only a suspended sentence or one below three years, and are sent back home.” (wiki- penis removal)

“From 1973 to 1980 one hundred cases of Thai women cutting off their husband’s penises were recorded.  Most of them were not reattached” (wiki-penis removal)

In 1936 Japan, the geisha Sada Abe strangled her lover and afterwards castrated both his penis and testicles.  She didn’t appear too fond of a disposal method and opted to carry around his penis under her kimono wrapped in a magazine lover until the police discovered the crime.  When police evidently asked her why she had castrated her lover postmortem  she replied “Because I couldn’t take his head or body with me. I wanted to take the part of him that brought back to me the most vivid memories.” (wiki- Sada Abe)  “She planned to commit suicide one week after the murder, and practiced necrophilia. “I felt attached to Ishida’s penis and thought that only after taking leave from it quietly could I then die. I unwrapped the paper holding them and gazed at his penis and scrotum. I put his penis in my mouth and even tried to insert it inside me… Then, I decided that I would flee to Osaka, staying with Ishida’s penis all the while. In the end, I would jump from a cliff on Mount Ikoma while holding on to his penis.”  She was charged with second degree murder and mutilation of a corpse.  Sada was sentenced to six years in prison, only serving five.

Unfortunately Mr. Becker joined the castration club this week.  It is uncertain whether physicians were able to reattach the limited remains of his ground up penis.  Even penis-less, he is reportedly in good spirits

Penis here today and gone tomorrow,  what a heinous crime!

Oh Penis, are you big enough?

Oh penis, you have so many critics!

Our society tells you that you are not big enough, need to be better, or so big you need to show the world.

Just perusing through male magazines and erotic ones too, one only has to flip through the pages to find the multitude of advertisements aimed to help you grow bigger, longer, stronger.

What pressure!  

How unfair for such a nerve filled, life affirming, physical appendage.

Performance pressure in and of itself can be overwhelming.

Just think of  all the typical pressures on you Mr Penis: will you last long enough before you ejaculate, will you have the moves that will please your partner,  will you be liked, will they want you again, do you do it ‘right’?

Now add the emphasis on penis size: will you stand up among the rest to impress your sexual partner; will your girth fill them up; will you be able to satisfy them with your flesh wand of pleasure ?

Oh MY!  With all this pressure, how can men even relax enough to be good lovers ?!

The average penis size erect is between 5 to 6 inches.  In its flaccid state, often 3 inches or less.  This is not a samurai sword nor the itty bitty caterpillar, its just a normal penis. Of which I hope you can become a fan, whether you meet the average marker or not.

What surprises me most about the penile debate and emphasize on size, is the lack of comparison to the vagina.   If the majority of men are placing their erect penises in a vagina, and want their penis to be 8″;  did anyone ask:  Will it even fit ?!?

I have  never seen an ad promoting increased vagina capacity, nor heard men brag of their partners vaginal size.

The average vagina is 3 1/2 inches non aroused and can expand to 5 1/2 when stimulated.  If men are focused on gaining a 7 to 8 inch penis, yet the maximum length is around 5 1/2 inches, your wasting almost 2 to 3 inches.

The rest is just for show.

Research recently conducted by Dr. Tae Beom Kim,a urologist at Gachon University in Incheon, Korea, examined penile size in relation to index to ring finger ratio. His team reportedly found that, in general, the shorter the index finger is to the ring finger of the right hand, the longer the stretched length of the penis, aka erect penis size.

Are you looking at your fingers now?  

Evidently looking at a man’s shoe size is not indicative of potential penis size.

I wonder why Dr. Kim even thought of completing this research?  I know, its just another way to overemphasis penile size and a way for a fully clothed man to be ‘sized’ up.

Stop looking at your fingers, ignore the critics, befriend your penis, and move along confidently in the pleasure potential of that 5″ penis.  He deserves support and hopefully even accolades.

Oh penis, you can have one big fan…..the man of which you’re attached and hopefully his partner.

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