Category Archives: Erotica

Erotica

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Fifty Shades of Fantasy NOT Real Life Violence

In the Journal of Women’s Health, their recently released study “Double Crap!” Abuse and Harmed Identity in Fifty Shades of Greyfifty shades of grey (Released August 11, 2013)

the authors reports their results and conclusions:

Emotional abuse is present in nearly every interaction, including: stalking…intimidation…isolation…Sexual violence is pervasive—including using alcohol to compromise Anastasia’s consent…Anastasia experiences reactions typical of abused women, including: constant perceived threat… altered identity… and stressful managing… Anastasia becomes disempowered and entrapped in the relationship as her behaviors become mechanized in response to Christian’s abuse.

Our analysis identified patterns in Fifty Shades that reflect pervasive intimate partner violence—one of the biggest problems of our time. Further, our analysis adds to a growing body of literature noting dangerous violence standards being perpetuated in popular culture.

I do not concur with the results and conclusions.

If I were to read the erotic novel looking for behaviors that may resemble abuse yet do not view it in the context of fantasy, erotic writing, consensual BDSM, then of course I would say it exhibited violence.

Yet without the proper context how can we objectively view Fifty Shades of Grey  as the researchers conclude.

Does this mean that when I read Harry Potter, I may believe I am a wizard and need to fear for my life from the Death Eaters or do I read it as fiction, an adventure, an excellent tale with spellbinding  plots and characters.

I would postulate that Harry Potter harry and voldemortexperienced significant violence throughout his journeys: repeated assassination attempts, stalking by the Death Eaters, he resided in a state of perpetual fear; felt intimidated by his peers, followers of Voldemort and Voldemort himself, he was often disbelieved in reporting the truth therefore living in harms way on a daily basis.  Truth and love potions were utilized to engage subjects into behaving in altered states.

Harry and his crew were frequently trapped, dis-empowered, harmed, and challenged by adults, creatures, and wizards.

True child abuse and neglect as defined by anyone, yet it is the fantasy context in which we put aside our labels of violence and turn on our imaginations and escape into a wonderful story.

Do we limit this type of fantasy so that we avoid spell casting, broom flying, potion making and fighting the evil powers.  If we did engage in such behavior, I do believe we may ostracize ourselves, be labeled with delusional disorder or schizophrenia, and suffer low self esteem from the repeated failure of our wizardry skills.

harry potter sexyOr if I dress up for Halloween in a sexualized Gryffindor costume, am I pedophilic in doing so, or engaging in fantasy and utilizing a costume to participate in both a holiday and role play.

If one participates in safe, consensual BDSM (Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism),  these behaviors can be view as highly pleasurable and regularly sought after.  The individual that views it as violence would not consensually engage in said behaviors because they are not consenting to power play and physical stimulation that is out of the mainstay of vanilla sex.

Life is in context.

If my husband blindfolds me, pushes me on the bed and spanks me with a metal spatula for pleasure in the privacy of my bedroom & we are both consenting parties; it is drastically different than if a colleague walks into my office, pushes me on the floor, blindfolds me and hits me repeatedly with his clipboard.

See the differences?

Role play, consent, agreed upon, stimulation….not entrapment, physical abuse and violence.

Context is EVERYTHING.

As a sex therapist, I would challenge many aspects of Anastasia orgasmic ability.  She loses her virginity, has no clitoral stimulation and has an world class orgasm.  The chances of this are slim to none in real life.  Women tend to be orgasmic female orgasmbetween 60+% of the time with clitoral stimulation, intercourse alone, that number drops to 20%. Christian is virtually erect 24 hours of a day and ready to perform for hours at a time.  Do I then research and present my case that Fifty Shades of Grey places unrealistic sexual expectations of both male AND female readers?   No. Its the same as in the porn industry; its a performance art with editing, angles and placards to remind them to holler.

While reading the erotic novel two years ago on St Patricks Day, I decided to add my Guinness beer to my reading pleasure, and have a drink each time Anastasia experienced an orgasm.  That was a bit tipsy making for my afternoon.  My husband said to me, wow you just drank two Guineness, why yes I replied, Anastasia cums A LOT.

It is the point of fantasy.

Do we want Anastasia to have an occasional yeast infection, vaginal discomfort and sexual refusals after multiple objects and his penis has been in her over and over within a 24 period of time… as this is more like real life.

As readers, we want intensity, excitement, orgasmic explosions, sexual performances that should be in the record books.   We want our bodies to feel titillated by Christian and Anastasia’s sex life.

We want the passion, the all encompassing feelings dom and xof pleasure, the  escape into bondage, sense deprivation, the surprise of touch, the heat of the whip.

Yes overpower me, consume me, please me.

This sounds delightful to me and not anything close to violence.

Both of their behaviors were ridiculous outside of the bedroom.  Dramatic, insecure, jealous, over the top.  Even the biting of the lip became nauseating after some time.  Yet if you skip over the relational drama and dive into their sexual escapades, you can enjoy the fantasy.

BDSM is for safe, sane, consensual sexual play that can lead to a vast level of pleasure.

The unrealistic story of the uber attractive, way too young to be a millionaire, multi talented Christian and the insecure innocent Anastasia is just that…..a story.

You decide:  Is Fifty Shades of Grey more violent than Harry Potter?

Double Crap??!!??  I can only say EL James is NOT a  JK Rowlings.

I’ll take BOTH.

Yes!

Double Fantasy!!

 


Fifty Shades of…..Exhausting

Fifty Shades of……Exhausting

As a follow up to my last post recommending the ever popular Kindle and paperback book, Fifty Shades of Grey, I now retract my recommendation to read this erotic novel.

I melted and swooned over the first book, wishing to implant myself into the scenes of the Red Room of Pain, being a submissive to the  uber rich, über handsome, Mr. Christian Grey.

In book two, Fifty Shades Darker, the frustrating themes of control, over-thinking and insecurity become nauseating. I was able to set down my rational feminist self to enjoy book one, yet with the continuance of the above noted themes, I can no longer swoon, fantasize, or engage in my ‘orgasm drunk’ drinking game.

Anastasia, the female love interest, reinforces our societal view of women as jealous, insecure, and needy, over-thinkers.  Why does he love Me? Who  is She? Will he leave me for Her? Will I ever make him truly happy with all of his needs for Dominance?  Will the relationship last? Can I even continue to breathe if he is out of my life?  …… See….. Nauseating.

Fantasy is supposed to be just that- fantasy, which I easily accept with her orgasmic abilities, his financial successes, beauty, and sexual skills.  So, why is it necessary to reinforce a dependent stereotypical woman’s ability to breathe and thrive as only through our relationships with  men.

Can’t Anastasia be a confident, secure, young female who enjoys the interplay of agreed upon sexual submission and dominance without jealousy, second guessing his every move, and need to uncover his early life traumas?

Can’t Christian work through his trauma without overt control outside of the bedroom?

My fantasies do not include insecurities, themes of trauma, jealousy, nor a marriage proposal. As I see it, these narratives are unnecessary to a good erotic novel and spoil the escapism, arousal, and thrill we seek in these books.

Give me hot sex, stable characters and adventures, and keep all of our real life issues in our real lives.

Addendum:

I relapsed. Despite my exhaustion at EL James’ erotic series, I continue to read.

After finishing the second book, Fifty Shades Darker, I was so frustrated, I never would have guessed that I would purchase the third book in the series.

Seriously?

I recommend NOT reading Fifty Shades.. but continue to  myself?

I wondered why I bought book three, then I realized I couldn’t get a few images out of my mind.

At the end of Fifty Shades Darker, Christian and Anastasia are in the Red Room of Pain.  She is nude, on her knees, with her arms bound behind her, wearing an eye mask, a gag ball in her mouth,  just waiting for Christians touch.

Christian places nipple clamps on her, a vibrator inside her vagina, his finger in her rectum, all moving rhythmically to the blaring music.

This scene pulled me back in.

Back into the poor writing, drama, ridiculousness and exhaustion.

All for the mere hope of just one more erotic scenario that delights my fancy.

I guess I’m playing orgasm drunk again.

So read with caution, its awful, exhausting and unfortunately still addictive.


Fifty Shades of……Addictive Erotica

“Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James, is a hit!

A New York Times Bestseller

What does this book have that makes it so addictive?

Its Steamy!

Its Hot!

And you’ll want  to  show just how obedient you can be in the Red Room of Pain.

Some are saying its a ‘marriage saver’.

I say,  reading erotica assists women in connecting to their sexual selves and therefore, are feeling horny and acting upon it.

Marriage saver – no.

Heating up your sex life- Yes.

The theme of innocent yet sassy and beautiful female with the over bearing uber handsome male who both fawns over and controls her – is ages old.

This book is a hit in thanks to Twilight fans,  the viral effects of social media, www.goodreads.com site, and our ease of access via Kindle or Nook.

I purchased Fifty Shades of Grey on my Kindle and within the first day consumed 7 hours of this novel.

Cooking and reading.

Laundry and reading.

Feeding the dog and reading.

Cozy in my pajamas and reading.

I wanted more….and more.

Not more of the whimpy, over-thinking, immature, self doubting,  22 year old Anastasia.  Or the overt power hungry attempting to rewrite childhood trauma through being the sadistic dominant,  27 year old Christian.

But the dynamic of  lust, wantonness, raw sexual arousal,  pure passion, intensity, and libidinal insanity.

More Christian Grey.

Dominating me.

Adoring me.

Spanking me.

Ravishing me.

Opening the orgasmic floodgates of my most hidden desires.

In Chapter 25, Anastasia and Christian are in the Red Room of Pain, as he blasts Forty Part Motet by Thomas Tallis

‘Kneeling by the door, I am naked except for my panties. My heart is in my mouth….Anticipation runs bubbling like soda through my veins.  What will he do? I take a deep steadying breath, but I cannot deny it, I’m excited, aroused, wet already….’
After a full body fur mitt rubdown and then a good flogging, Christian’s, ‘nose and lips…running down my neck and throat, kissing and sucking…trailing down to my breasts, Ah! Taunting each of my nipples in turn…his tongue swirling round one while his fingers relentlessly tease the other….”
‘He’s kneeling up between my legs…and in one swift, slamming move, he’s inside me….oh fuck…and I cry out again. The quiver of my impending orgasm begins….’
If you can put down your feminist, rational self, and accept its poorly written, with ridiculous scenarios, absurd plotlines ……you won’t be able to stop reading it.
I even thought it could be a possible drinking game.
Called Orgasm Drunk.
Each time Anastasia has an orgasm, have a drink.
After one hour, you’ll be tipsy if not more.
Put on your reading glasses, the kids are in school, open up the ultimate Mommy Porn.
This book is addictive erotica.

Seduce Me??

The age old art of Seduction

Temptation

Enticement

Charm

Appeal

Sex

There’s a variety of books, articles and websites talking specifically about how to seduce someone.  The M3 Model lists seduction in three phases:

Attraction, Comfort and Seduction.

The attraction phase is divided into :
A1 – Approach
A2 – Attracting the HB or Female-to-male Interest (Demonstrate high value, using gimmick, magic, psychic routine, humor ……)
A3 – Male-to-Female Interest (The hot babe must be baited into demonstrating her own value. By this way, you’re just attracted to her by her personality or charm, other than her looks)

The comfort phase is divided into :
C1 – Building rapport
C2 – Building emotional connection and physical connection
C3 – Intimacy

The seduction phase is divided into :
S1 – Foreplay
S2 – LMR  (Last Minute Resistance. Once you have it, she may say “we should stop …” or “We better be careful about where this is going”.)
S3 – Sex

The Game:“Penetrating the Society of Pickup Artists,”, by Neil Strauss, has 10 chapters which are titled: 1) Select a Target 2) Approach and Open 3) Demonstrate Value 4) Disarm the Obstacles 5) Isolate the Target  6) Create an Emotional Connection 7) Extract to a Seduction Location 8) Pump Buying Temperature  9) Blast Last Minute Resistance 10) Manage Expectations.

Is this really seduction?

It sounds to me like, Divide and Conquer. 

Power, Overtake, Master, Dominate, Manipulate and Control.

Where’s the love?

Psychology Today blogger Caroline Simon, PHD. defines seduction as:

“Seduction sets out to get a “yes” whether or not sex compromises the welfare and sexual autonomy of the seduced.  It is no accident that the root meaning of “seduce” is “separate” or lead away. Those who are seduced are led away from the values central to their own sense of integrity.”

“Seduction may look “romantic” but it is really all about self-centered power.”

Simon’s check list for seduction:

  1. There is mutual consent to all activities.
  2. The pursuer wants to get to know the pursued in order to obtain consent.
  3. Deception or calculated ambiguity is used to obtain consent.
  4. The pursuer is indifferent to the welfare of the pursued.
  5. The pursuer’s motives in the pursuit are personal pleasure or an ego-boost.
  6. The pursued person consents to sexual activities which he or she was averse to engaging in or which are at odds with his or her principles or priorities.
  7. The pursued person would not consent to all the activities engaged in unless he or she were deceived or manipulated.

That’s no fun.

Using your skills and attractiveness to lure someone in so that you can get them to do something willingly yet against their better judgement, their value system, and their real intent.

When you are interested in  ‘catching’ a guy or girl, pay attention to your intent.  Is it to bed them? To wed them? To date them? To win them over? Or just plain ‘get off’?

If your real intent is to bed them and get off, instead of utilizing the steps suggested for ‘seduction’, why not try honesty. Your hot, I’d really like to …… (you fill in the blank).

Be respectful, not only does that other person have attributes you find sexually arousing, they are also a person.  A person who deserves kindness, honesty, and respect.

How about we throw the whole seduction thing out of the window.

Power, control, manipulation, and disrespect for the other person’s values, has no place in the bedroom or in relationships.

Let’s flirt, tease, play – respectfully, consensual, while valuing the other person.

Seduce Me, not.

Lets play.

 

 

 

 


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