Category Archives: Fantasy

Love at First Sight is Just a Big Myth

We have for years heard about love at first site. So much so, that we hope it happens to us.

The immediately attraction and hopefully life long commitment to our prince charming or princess.

Experiencing the feeling of love is a long term process and cannot be felt immediately.

sexy coupleNow, lust at first sight is real.

What is the difference between love and lust?

According to Judith Orloff, MD in her Huffington Post article, The Difference Between Love and Lust

Signs of lust:

    • You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.
    • You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
    • You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
    • You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
    • You are lovers, but not friends.

Signs of love:

    • You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
    • You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
    • You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.
    • He or she motivates you to be a better person.
    • You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

 

I have a different opinion, yet included Dr. Orloffs list for further conversation.live lust

I consider both of her lists inclusive of the experience of lust.  My reaction to  her list of lust is more reflective of sexual interest and activity which eliminates the relational aspect.

Emotions and attachment are included in lust. Of course one could do without said emotions as well.

Lust is fueled by our neuro-chemicals which physiologically puts us on a dopamine high; we crave, idealize, and have obsessive thoughts about the other.  This is NOT your heart talking, its your brain chemicals that have wired you to attract, mate, procreate.

Despite the neuro-chemical flood, you’re not using your brain nor your heart.  You’re high.

It is one of the best feelings in the world and I believe has lead to many unwise marriages, divorces and affairs.

We all want to chase what feels good and boy does this feel good!

If our chemicals are urging us to procreate we need to have a veil of fantasy; otherwise, we’d really notice how bad their feet stink, they don’t put their laundry in the basket, belch too often after dinner, only floss once per month and they’re not that respectful when talking about their mother.

We instead focus on the fantasy that is and what our future with that person might be. If we noticed the daily bad traits of each of us right away, would we never pair up?

When we experience lust and recognize our altered mental  state, we can place logic next to our thoughts of Mr./ Ms. Dreamy and allow time to guide us in the true-ness of a real relationship.

Logical statements help us reduce impulsive decisions, to place some realism in our lustful fog, remind us that everyone has faults and craving someone today and living with them day in and day out is a completely different ball game.

Enjoy the lust, recognize your high, and manage your fantasy.sex and food

When do you know it is real love?

The main way love is revealed is through time.

I recommend couples not marry until two years of courtship/dating, because two years is the time frame needed for your chemical high to subside.

After two years,

You:

Still feel sexual attraction to your partner

Have fully accepted who that person is without your ability to ever change them
Can tolerate their bad traits/habits because they are just annoying but are not unhealthy ie (addiction, abuse, manipulative)

Are interested in sharing your life with this person with shared vision for your future
Can have and work through disagreements

Have discussed your views on religion, politics, children and money and have come to an understanding and/or compromise

Enjoy sex with your partner

Want to empower them into their fullness

Feel respected and encouraged

Receive most of the attention, validation, sex and communication you find important in the long run

Feel comfortable in who you are

 

masturbating couple at NWLove is a feeling that is long lasting, accepting and respectful which occurs with time.

Lust is a biochemical flood of wonderful feelings, attraction, desire and craving which can be instantaneous.

You can have lust at first sight.

 

 

 

 

 


Erotica

over kitchen table positionBend Me Over

My Favorite Erotic Photography

http://www.bendmeover.net

 


Fifty Shades of Fantasy NOT Real Life Violence

In the Journal of Women’s Health, their recently released study “Double Crap!” Abuse and Harmed Identity in Fifty Shades of Greyfifty shades of grey (Released August 11, 2013)

the authors reports their results and conclusions:

Emotional abuse is present in nearly every interaction, including: stalking…intimidation…isolation…Sexual violence is pervasive—including using alcohol to compromise Anastasia’s consent…Anastasia experiences reactions typical of abused women, including: constant perceived threat… altered identity… and stressful managing… Anastasia becomes disempowered and entrapped in the relationship as her behaviors become mechanized in response to Christian’s abuse.

Our analysis identified patterns in Fifty Shades that reflect pervasive intimate partner violence—one of the biggest problems of our time. Further, our analysis adds to a growing body of literature noting dangerous violence standards being perpetuated in popular culture.

I do not concur with the results and conclusions.

If I were to read the erotic novel looking for behaviors that may resemble abuse yet do not view it in the context of fantasy, erotic writing, consensual BDSM, then of course I would say it exhibited violence.

Yet without the proper context how can we objectively view Fifty Shades of Grey  as the researchers conclude.

Does this mean that when I read Harry Potter, I may believe I am a wizard and need to fear for my life from the Death Eaters or do I read it as fiction, an adventure, an excellent tale with spellbinding  plots and characters.

I would postulate that Harry Potter harry and voldemortexperienced significant violence throughout his journeys: repeated assassination attempts, stalking by the Death Eaters, he resided in a state of perpetual fear; felt intimidated by his peers, followers of Voldemort and Voldemort himself, he was often disbelieved in reporting the truth therefore living in harms way on a daily basis.  Truth and love potions were utilized to engage subjects into behaving in altered states.

Harry and his crew were frequently trapped, dis-empowered, harmed, and challenged by adults, creatures, and wizards.

True child abuse and neglect as defined by anyone, yet it is the fantasy context in which we put aside our labels of violence and turn on our imaginations and escape into a wonderful story.

Do we limit this type of fantasy so that we avoid spell casting, broom flying, potion making and fighting the evil powers.  If we did engage in such behavior, I do believe we may ostracize ourselves, be labeled with delusional disorder or schizophrenia, and suffer low self esteem from the repeated failure of our wizardry skills.

harry potter sexyOr if I dress up for Halloween in a sexualized Gryffindor costume, am I pedophilic in doing so, or engaging in fantasy and utilizing a costume to participate in both a holiday and role play.

If one participates in safe, consensual BDSM (Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism),  these behaviors can be view as highly pleasurable and regularly sought after.  The individual that views it as violence would not consensually engage in said behaviors because they are not consenting to power play and physical stimulation that is out of the mainstay of vanilla sex.

Life is in context.

If my husband blindfolds me, pushes me on the bed and spanks me with a metal spatula for pleasure in the privacy of my bedroom & we are both consenting parties; it is drastically different than if a colleague walks into my office, pushes me on the floor, blindfolds me and hits me repeatedly with his clipboard.

See the differences?

Role play, consent, agreed upon, stimulation….not entrapment, physical abuse and violence.

Context is EVERYTHING.

As a sex therapist, I would challenge many aspects of Anastasia orgasmic ability.  She loses her virginity, has no clitoral stimulation and has an world class orgasm.  The chances of this are slim to none in real life.  Women tend to be orgasmic female orgasmbetween 60+% of the time with clitoral stimulation, intercourse alone, that number drops to 20%. Christian is virtually erect 24 hours of a day and ready to perform for hours at a time.  Do I then research and present my case that Fifty Shades of Grey places unrealistic sexual expectations of both male AND female readers?   No. Its the same as in the porn industry; its a performance art with editing, angles and placards to remind them to holler.

While reading the erotic novel two years ago on St Patricks Day, I decided to add my Guinness beer to my reading pleasure, and have a drink each time Anastasia experienced an orgasm.  That was a bit tipsy making for my afternoon.  My husband said to me, wow you just drank two Guineness, why yes I replied, Anastasia cums A LOT.

It is the point of fantasy.

Do we want Anastasia to have an occasional yeast infection, vaginal discomfort and sexual refusals after multiple objects and his penis has been in her over and over within a 24 period of time… as this is more like real life.

As readers, we want intensity, excitement, orgasmic explosions, sexual performances that should be in the record books.   We want our bodies to feel titillated by Christian and Anastasia’s sex life.

We want the passion, the all encompassing feelings dom and xof pleasure, the  escape into bondage, sense deprivation, the surprise of touch, the heat of the whip.

Yes overpower me, consume me, please me.

This sounds delightful to me and not anything close to violence.

Both of their behaviors were ridiculous outside of the bedroom.  Dramatic, insecure, jealous, over the top.  Even the biting of the lip became nauseating after some time.  Yet if you skip over the relational drama and dive into their sexual escapades, you can enjoy the fantasy.

BDSM is for safe, sane, consensual sexual play that can lead to a vast level of pleasure.

The unrealistic story of the uber attractive, way too young to be a millionaire, multi talented Christian and the insecure innocent Anastasia is just that…..a story.

You decide:  Is Fifty Shades of Grey more violent than Harry Potter?

Double Crap??!!??  I can only say EL James is NOT a  JK Rowlings.

I’ll take BOTH.

Yes!

Double Fantasy!!

 


I’ve Got a Secret

This weekend, my head was full of ‘ear worms’, you know when a song gets stuck in your head and you can’t get it out.

While at the grocery store, the song “Cult of Personality” came on and I could barely tolerate my shopping, then against any conscious choice, it kept repeating in my head long after my trip.

The Cult of Personality was replaced the following day with yet another ‘ear worm’ which was luckily one of my favorite artists, Kate Nash – her song, “I’ve got a secret”.  I was regularly humming this tune throughout my home most of the day.

Kate Nash I’ve got a secret

secret“I’ve got a secret”, could possibly be a theme song for my work.

Many people enter sexual therapy holding on to, then revealing their sexual secrets.

I am really with ______ (other person)

I really like to _____, but could never tell my spouse.

You won’t believe what I did, I’m so embarrassed.

This may shock you, but….

I masturbate thinking about _______, am I normal?

What gets me off most in bed is______But if my partner knew, I think they’d reject me.

Marty Klein, one of my favorite sex therapists, wrote a book entitled, Your Sexual Secrets . (1988)

Marty states,

“You learned it as a child:  sex is bad. But like all the other kids, you had sexual thought and feelings.  Early on you learned the Secrecy Imperative: to avoid punishment, rejection, and abandonment you’d better keep your sexuality a secret….Accepting sexual experiences and feelings leads to a sense of choice…(people) can choose to share sexual thoughts with their loved ones, or they may choose to maintain their secrets, with the conscious awareness that they are doing so.  Either choice can bring healing to people and to relationships.”

He notes there are actually good reasons to share some of your sexual secrets if the following goals are possible:

Getting closer to your partnerseduction

Improving your sexual relationship

Increasing your self esteem

Reducing the physical or emotional stresses of secrecy

Changing a relationship, or supporting a current change (page 151)

 

 

Potential scenarios where it could behoove one to disclose their secret may be:

You enjoy anal stimulation and would like to include it in your love play but are uncertain of your partners reaction…..you never know till you ask.

You fantasize about grangagged-and-bound1ny porn and want to watch these films occasionally during sex with your partner.

You are more aroused by your partners toes than the rest of their body, ask to incorporate toe play during sex.

You want to be gagged and bound at times when you’re turned on, ask your partner to try it.

You are interested in polyamory, discuss what it would be like to open the relationship to other partners.

There is a lot of love to go around.

 

Marty suggests not to disclose sexual secrets if your intent is to:

Get Revenge

Punish or Humilitate

Relieve a heavy burden of guilt

Invite criticism and punishment

To test a relationship

To create a smokescreen (pg 162)

The largest theme of sexual secrets in  my office has nothing to do with criminal behavior, harm to others, or true deviancy.  It is mostly self judgement and shame of relatively normative sexual behaviors.

If the behavior is:

Consensualconsensual

Between adults

Is respectful to the self and the other

Then….its normal

Feet fetishes, polyamory, anal pleasure, granny porn, gagged and bound, as well as many more sexual behaviors are all normal.

One may argue and say its disrespectful to watch granny porn when partners are sexual together….if so, then you explore ways to keep aroused that are considered mutually respectful and sexually satisfying.

Another argument is around the secrecy of affairs; one may ask how does that respect the self and the other?  If the parties engaging in sex together do so as consenting adults and feel respected by the other, then that is considered normative sexual behavior.  The spouse on the other hand may have a much different opinion.  Morals are a different topic from scientific norms.

ive got a secretYou get to decide the secrets you tell.

You decide whether you hold onto self judgement, guilt or shame.

You decide how and to whom to disclose, if ever.

We all have some secrets, either big or small.

The popularity of our secrets has lead to the highly successful website: post secrethttp://www.postsecret.com

Its anonymous with the exception that you submit and we (the voyeurs) read.

 

I’ll end with my continual ear worm, Kate Nash:

“Ive got a secret,  I can’t tell you….you would judge”

 

 

 


Get your Vibe On

Despite our poor economy and sluggish sales, vibrators have been in high demand.  In the U.K.,  women’s  vibrators have nearly trumped the sales of smart phones.

In this hilarious Saturday Night Live sketch, they address Mothers Day gifts, the Kindle,  and the ever popular Fifty Shades of Grey erotic novel. In one section you see, Kristen Wiigs character, masturbating with the Hitachi Magic Wand.

SNL Fifty Shades of Grey Skit

The Hitachi Wand vibrator seems to be one of Betty Dodsons favorite.  Betty is an expert in human sexuality and the Queen of Masturbation, having written, Sex for One: The Joy of Self Loving, Liberating Masturbation, and Orgasms for two: The Joy of Partner sex.

Her fame not only comes from her books and erotic art, but from her over 30 years of conducting workshops for groups of women to explore their sexuality and masturbate together. Watch Betty’s video on The Masturbation Month of May.

 

 

 

 

 

Betty Dodson Masturbation Month of May

You can purchase the Magic Wand on Amazon for $54.95. 

A recent survey reported 50% of Americans are using vibrators and 70% of men noted their comfort with using the device.  Scientific American reported the sex toy industry is a $500 million dollar per year industry , while Durex noted the U.S is 2nd in the world for vibrator purchases.

GoodVibrations.com lists their 45 top selling vibrators which includes the Hitachi Wand, the Rabbit, the Bullet, and the We-Vibe.

They have increased sales by 60% since the 1990’s.

Adameve.com, lists 8 different types of vibrators: Rabbit, Clitoral, G Spot, Realistic, Bullet/Egg, Anal, Traditional and Vibrator Kits.

Now many traditional Condom companys such as Durex, Trojan, and Lifestyles are offering an over the counter vibrator located in your local market with the condoms and lubrication.

The Durex website states,

“And you thought Durex just made condoms?

They’re tastefully designed and disarmingly discreet. The range is designed with a modern woman in mind, featuring a variety of styles to suit different tastes. Experiment a little and you’re sure to find the one that’s right for you and your partner.  Make the world’s No.1 condom brand the world’s best vibrator brand too!”

I highly recommend the Durex line of vibration products.  They’re affordable, easy to purchase and easy to use.  The Durex Play is a small cock ring with a vibration device so that during love play and intercourse, it provides clitoral stimulation.  The convenient size does not seem to interfere with intercourse as it is compact and site focused.

Lelo,  is the world’s leading designer brand for intimate lifestyle products. The company has ‘transformed the look, feel and function of how personal massagers are perceived, bringing a new level of luxury to products of this kind.’

The highlights of the Lelo Tiani Sense Motion Pleasure Object are its revolutionary design that is controlled by tilting your palm or flicking your wrist.  Highlights include:
“• Operate the vibrator in SensoMotion or Standard modes
• Tilt or wave the controller around to power the vibrator in SensoMotion Mode
• Standard turns the controller into your typical wireless remote
• Pick from 6 vibration patterns & 16 speeds in Standard
• Wireless signal ranges up to 39 feet
• Controller buzzes in sync with vibrator so you can feel the mode for yourself
• Vibrator is designed to be worn during sex for extra stimulation
• Smaller arm massages her G spot, while the larger tickles her clit”

Support the economy.

Go buy a Vibrator.

Enjoy!


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