Category Archives: Porn

Fifty Shades of Fantasy NOT Real Life Violence

In the Journal of Women’s Health, their recently released study “Double Crap!” Abuse and Harmed Identity in Fifty Shades of Greyfifty shades of grey (Released August 11, 2013)

the authors reports their results and conclusions:

Emotional abuse is present in nearly every interaction, including: stalking…intimidation…isolation…Sexual violence is pervasive—including using alcohol to compromise Anastasia’s consent…Anastasia experiences reactions typical of abused women, including: constant perceived threat… altered identity… and stressful managing… Anastasia becomes disempowered and entrapped in the relationship as her behaviors become mechanized in response to Christian’s abuse.

Our analysis identified patterns in Fifty Shades that reflect pervasive intimate partner violence—one of the biggest problems of our time. Further, our analysis adds to a growing body of literature noting dangerous violence standards being perpetuated in popular culture.

I do not concur with the results and conclusions.

If I were to read the erotic novel looking for behaviors that may resemble abuse yet do not view it in the context of fantasy, erotic writing, consensual BDSM, then of course I would say it exhibited violence.

Yet without the proper context how can we objectively view Fifty Shades of Grey  as the researchers conclude.

Does this mean that when I read Harry Potter, I may believe I am a wizard and need to fear for my life from the Death Eaters or do I read it as fiction, an adventure, an excellent tale with spellbinding  plots and characters.

I would postulate that Harry Potter harry and voldemortexperienced significant violence throughout his journeys: repeated assassination attempts, stalking by the Death Eaters, he resided in a state of perpetual fear; felt intimidated by his peers, followers of Voldemort and Voldemort himself, he was often disbelieved in reporting the truth therefore living in harms way on a daily basis.  Truth and love potions were utilized to engage subjects into behaving in altered states.

Harry and his crew were frequently trapped, dis-empowered, harmed, and challenged by adults, creatures, and wizards.

True child abuse and neglect as defined by anyone, yet it is the fantasy context in which we put aside our labels of violence and turn on our imaginations and escape into a wonderful story.

Do we limit this type of fantasy so that we avoid spell casting, broom flying, potion making and fighting the evil powers.  If we did engage in such behavior, I do believe we may ostracize ourselves, be labeled with delusional disorder or schizophrenia, and suffer low self esteem from the repeated failure of our wizardry skills.

harry potter sexyOr if I dress up for Halloween in a sexualized Gryffindor costume, am I pedophilic in doing so, or engaging in fantasy and utilizing a costume to participate in both a holiday and role play.

If one participates in safe, consensual BDSM (Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism),  these behaviors can be view as highly pleasurable and regularly sought after.  The individual that views it as violence would not consensually engage in said behaviors because they are not consenting to power play and physical stimulation that is out of the mainstay of vanilla sex.

Life is in context.

If my husband blindfolds me, pushes me on the bed and spanks me with a metal spatula for pleasure in the privacy of my bedroom & we are both consenting parties; it is drastically different than if a colleague walks into my office, pushes me on the floor, blindfolds me and hits me repeatedly with his clipboard.

See the differences?

Role play, consent, agreed upon, stimulation….not entrapment, physical abuse and violence.

Context is EVERYTHING.

As a sex therapist, I would challenge many aspects of Anastasia orgasmic ability.  She loses her virginity, has no clitoral stimulation and has an world class orgasm.  The chances of this are slim to none in real life.  Women tend to be orgasmic female orgasmbetween 60+% of the time with clitoral stimulation, intercourse alone, that number drops to 20%. Christian is virtually erect 24 hours of a day and ready to perform for hours at a time.  Do I then research and present my case that Fifty Shades of Grey places unrealistic sexual expectations of both male AND female readers?   No. Its the same as in the porn industry; its a performance art with editing, angles and placards to remind them to holler.

While reading the erotic novel two years ago on St Patricks Day, I decided to add my Guinness beer to my reading pleasure, and have a drink each time Anastasia experienced an orgasm.  That was a bit tipsy making for my afternoon.  My husband said to me, wow you just drank two Guineness, why yes I replied, Anastasia cums A LOT.

It is the point of fantasy.

Do we want Anastasia to have an occasional yeast infection, vaginal discomfort and sexual refusals after multiple objects and his penis has been in her over and over within a 24 period of time… as this is more like real life.

As readers, we want intensity, excitement, orgasmic explosions, sexual performances that should be in the record books.   We want our bodies to feel titillated by Christian and Anastasia’s sex life.

We want the passion, the all encompassing feelings dom and xof pleasure, the  escape into bondage, sense deprivation, the surprise of touch, the heat of the whip.

Yes overpower me, consume me, please me.

This sounds delightful to me and not anything close to violence.

Both of their behaviors were ridiculous outside of the bedroom.  Dramatic, insecure, jealous, over the top.  Even the biting of the lip became nauseating after some time.  Yet if you skip over the relational drama and dive into their sexual escapades, you can enjoy the fantasy.

BDSM is for safe, sane, consensual sexual play that can lead to a vast level of pleasure.

The unrealistic story of the uber attractive, way too young to be a millionaire, multi talented Christian and the insecure innocent Anastasia is just that…..a story.

You decide:  Is Fifty Shades of Grey more violent than Harry Potter?

Double Crap??!!??  I can only say EL James is NOT a  JK Rowlings.

I’ll take BOTH.

Yes!

Double Fantasy!!

 


I’ve Got a Secret

This weekend, my head was full of ‘ear worms’, you know when a song gets stuck in your head and you can’t get it out.

While at the grocery store, the song “Cult of Personality” came on and I could barely tolerate my shopping, then against any conscious choice, it kept repeating in my head long after my trip.

The Cult of Personality was replaced the following day with yet another ‘ear worm’ which was luckily one of my favorite artists, Kate Nash – her song, “I’ve got a secret”.  I was regularly humming this tune throughout my home most of the day.

Kate Nash I’ve got a secret

secret“I’ve got a secret”, could possibly be a theme song for my work.

Many people enter sexual therapy holding on to, then revealing their sexual secrets.

I am really with ______ (other person)

I really like to _____, but could never tell my spouse.

You won’t believe what I did, I’m so embarrassed.

This may shock you, but….

I masturbate thinking about _______, am I normal?

What gets me off most in bed is______But if my partner knew, I think they’d reject me.

Marty Klein, one of my favorite sex therapists, wrote a book entitled, Your Sexual Secrets . (1988)

Marty states,

“You learned it as a child:  sex is bad. But like all the other kids, you had sexual thought and feelings.  Early on you learned the Secrecy Imperative: to avoid punishment, rejection, and abandonment you’d better keep your sexuality a secret….Accepting sexual experiences and feelings leads to a sense of choice…(people) can choose to share sexual thoughts with their loved ones, or they may choose to maintain their secrets, with the conscious awareness that they are doing so.  Either choice can bring healing to people and to relationships.”

He notes there are actually good reasons to share some of your sexual secrets if the following goals are possible:

Getting closer to your partnerseduction

Improving your sexual relationship

Increasing your self esteem

Reducing the physical or emotional stresses of secrecy

Changing a relationship, or supporting a current change (page 151)

 

 

Potential scenarios where it could behoove one to disclose their secret may be:

You enjoy anal stimulation and would like to include it in your love play but are uncertain of your partners reaction…..you never know till you ask.

You fantasize about grangagged-and-bound1ny porn and want to watch these films occasionally during sex with your partner.

You are more aroused by your partners toes than the rest of their body, ask to incorporate toe play during sex.

You want to be gagged and bound at times when you’re turned on, ask your partner to try it.

You are interested in polyamory, discuss what it would be like to open the relationship to other partners.

There is a lot of love to go around.

 

Marty suggests not to disclose sexual secrets if your intent is to:

Get Revenge

Punish or Humilitate

Relieve a heavy burden of guilt

Invite criticism and punishment

To test a relationship

To create a smokescreen (pg 162)

The largest theme of sexual secrets in  my office has nothing to do with criminal behavior, harm to others, or true deviancy.  It is mostly self judgement and shame of relatively normative sexual behaviors.

If the behavior is:

Consensualconsensual

Between adults

Is respectful to the self and the other

Then….its normal

Feet fetishes, polyamory, anal pleasure, granny porn, gagged and bound, as well as many more sexual behaviors are all normal.

One may argue and say its disrespectful to watch granny porn when partners are sexual together….if so, then you explore ways to keep aroused that are considered mutually respectful and sexually satisfying.

Another argument is around the secrecy of affairs; one may ask how does that respect the self and the other?  If the parties engaging in sex together do so as consenting adults and feel respected by the other, then that is considered normative sexual behavior.  The spouse on the other hand may have a much different opinion.  Morals are a different topic from scientific norms.

ive got a secretYou get to decide the secrets you tell.

You decide whether you hold onto self judgement, guilt or shame.

You decide how and to whom to disclose, if ever.

We all have some secrets, either big or small.

The popularity of our secrets has lead to the highly successful website: post secrethttp://www.postsecret.com

Its anonymous with the exception that you submit and we (the voyeurs) read.

 

I’ll end with my continual ear worm, Kate Nash:

“Ive got a secret,  I can’t tell you….you would judge”

 

 

 


Dirty Dirty Dirty…………SHOW

I had the privilege to attend the Detroit Dirty Show this past weekend.

It is a platform for erotic art in various forms.  According to DirtyDetroit.com, its mission is to promote, publish and propagate erotic art in all forms… Held every Valentine’s Weekend, the show features a large number of artists, from first-timers to the famous at their dirtiest.

Many images may appear to some as pornographic, yet it is the beauty of the body and our sexuality that is exhibited not the specific sexual acts portrayed in action.

The art displayed ranged from erotic photography as shown here as well as playful ‘machines’, live performances, metal art, sculpture and more.

Live art was exhibited on two stages; one stage showed  a variety of performers from burlesque dancers, skits, singing, and drag shows.

The other stage showed the Japanese erotic art of rope bondage called: SHIBARI also known as KINBAKU.  It serves not only as binding but as body art, emphasizing our features with beautifully tied knots and hanging devices.

Exhibiting the bondage aspect of power and helplessness with beauty and aesthetic.  One can see how the ropes emphasize the curvature and shape of the body.

Walking around the show, one can see the average Joe as well as others dressed in provocative and playful ways.

Outside of the surprise and obvious subculture seen in this venue.  What jumped out to me was Freedom.

Freedom to be yourself without judgement, Freedom and comfort in your sexual expression, Freedom from the restraints of everyday society, Freedom to be playful, erotic, and safe all at the same time.

Some may say ‘freaks’ or ‘wrong’ but I say normal.

One of the most common questions I receive as a sexual therapist is: Am I Normal?  My response:  If its adult, consensual, and respectful to all parties, then YES it Normal!

If you want to get your ‘freak’ on, the Detroit Dirty show is a great way to exhibit or watch an open venue of erotic and safe expression.

             Be Free!

I apologize for the lack of citation for the photos posted, as I took pictures of the art without writing down the artist. I encourage you to attend to experience the Dirty Show first hand.



Redheaded Sexy

I have received a multitude of hits on this site  from viewers wanting to see a sexy redhead.

What is it about redheads that you either love or loathe?

Could it be the rarity of true redheads, as we are only 1 to 2% of the human population.

A real rarity I’d say.

Now in Northern European countries the percentage moves up to a whopping 6%.

One may have expected Ireland to provide the most redheads in Europe but it is actually Scotland in which 13% of the population is red and another40% carry the recessive gene.

Yet in pure numbers of reds among a large population, it is the United States that wins out with approximately 6 to 8 million.

Well I was feeling kind of special, being a redhead myself, until that statistic showed up.

Six to Eight Million! 

With a total population in 2010 of 308 Million, that makes us not one in a million but a mere “two percenter”.

The term redhead has been around since the 1500’s and appears to include other “red assets” such as fair skin, light eyes (either blue or green) and occasionally freckles .

In viewing many pictures of redheads, its obvious that a large portion are dyed vs. being a natural red.

In this post I’ve only included pictures of sexy women who appear to be real red’s….the real 1 to 2 “percenters”

There seems to be a variety of website targeting this rare niche.

If your interested in finding a red head to date, check out these site:

http://www.redheadhookups.com

http://redheadpassions.com/

http://redheaddatelink.com

Redheaded porn:

http://redhead.vidz.com/

http://www.redhead-lounge.com/

http://www.amateurredheadsexvideo.com/flickr-redhead-porn.html

or you could select redhead as a category, which is offered on a variety of porn sites.

Red heads are notorious for our rumored tempers and sexually voraciousness.  Allegedly having three times as powerful sex drive as normal women.

Even in medieval times this perception was noted, describing redheads as, the mark of  beastly sexual desire and moral degeneration.

How true are the rumors?

It may or may not be the truth.

You decide based on the red head in your life.

What I do know, is that I’m biased.

With two redheaded parents, I was destined….to be….red.

That being said, I think we’re pretty rare, interesting, sexy, and with some moxy to boot.

Love them or loathe them, redheads are here to stay.


Porn on a Plane

Not Snakes or Samuel Jackson just porn,  Porn on a Plane.

Ryanair, a European airline, uses sex appeal and low prices to win customers and even over come big names such as Aer

Lingus.

“In 2008, O’Leary famously said that business class on Ryanair’s long-haul flights would include “beds and blowjobs” at a press conference.”

The company’s tendency to use sex to sell is now going to a whole new level with their proposal of  a scandalous new in-flight app that will allow passengers to screen porn at 30,000 feet.

According to The Sun, the proposed app for iPads or smartphones would allow passengers to play games, gamble or even watch raunchy movies. “Hotels around the world have it, so why wouldn’t we?” Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary told the paper. He also noted that he wouldn’t be broadcasting porn on seat-back TVs.

If the plan ever takes off, it’s estimated that it would take a year to implement.”

In flight, one can already pop a DVD into their computer and watch what they may or even pay for Wi-Fi to access the internet and pornography.

O’Leary noted the success of porn in the hotel industry.

Is it surprising that airlines are wanting to cash in too?

Fifty percent of hotel guests, purchase pornography during their overnight stay which  accounts for nearly 70 percent of major hotel  in-room profits.

Would the airlines have a similar response?

The obviously big difference between a plane and a hotel room is of course privacy.

If a man or woman accessed porn while in flight, others would be able to view the screen.

This gentlemen created a unique version of privacy through his sweater.

Makes you wonder what he’s watching.

Although pornography is easily accessible and has high personal interest and popularity, there remains a time and a place, which in my opinion does not include a plane.

So Good Luck Ryanair, if you can get  privacy and porn, make sure you include some napkins, if not, just scrap the whole idea.

On the extreme end of pornography, privacy, and planes, a Utah man has been accused of watching child porn on a Delta flight from Salt Lake City to Boston this past Saturday.

Forty-seven year-old, Grant Smith, of Cottonwood Heights, Utah, a decorated science and engineering professor at the University of Utah, ‘was sitting in first class when a fellow passenger saw the pornographic images on Smith’s laptop and told flight crew, the Associated Press reports”.

Mr. Smith pleaded not guilty to child porn charges in a Boston court.  “Prosecutors said a flyer seated behind Smith in the first class cabin of the Salt Lake City to Boston flight spotted the pervy prof looking at kiddie porn on his MacBook and snapped a pic. The unidentified flyer then texted his son to call Massachusetts state cops before alerting the Delta crew, the Boston Globe reported.  A flight attendant asked Smith to close his laptop, but he was later seen scrambling to delete files from his computer, the Globe said.

Mr. Smith evidently didn’t have the clever sweater to hide his devious crime and fortunately an adult witnessed his behavior and reported him.  Child porn- always a bad idea and the epitome of a heinous crime. Porn on a plane- ust a  general bad idea.

I’ll pass on snakes, porn and even the over exposed Samuel Jackson, on a plane.

Give me a few sodas, some peanuts and a smooth ride  and I’m one happy passenger.


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