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5 Reasons the Other Woman Slept with Your Man

Recently, I read an article by Farrah Gray entitled Why the Other Woman Slept with your Man.

Farrah’s list includes  6  reasons she slept with your man:

  • She’s Selfish
  • She has no morals
  • She’s psycho
  • She’s accessible
  • She’s just that dumb
  • She’s desperate

His list had over 18200 Facebook shares.  I’m assuming those who shared are the ones who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman’s lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality as it had no depth to explain our human nature nor placement of responsibility on the male partner with exception of one sentence indicating his role. ” The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands.”

Fortunately,  I came across another article, Ever Wonder Why Women Cheat, A Married Man Goes Undercover on Ashley Madison to Find Out by Charles J Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the married but lets have an affair website of Ashley Madison  to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.

1. Women want and need attention, appreciation, and passion

When there is a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, we will seek out ways to fulfill the gaps. At times, the seeking out will be obvious such as creating an Ashley Madison profile or it may be a sudden opportunity presenting without much forethought.

In the Huffington Post article, Jennifer Garam writes; Why I had an affair with a Married Man

“Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality… Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.”

She felt alive again, and that’s a main component in way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid.

She goes further to explain, “This feels so good I don’t want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes. I have such an overactive conscience I couldn’t even take a paperclip from work without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didn’t faze me.”

As humans, we all have an erotic energy. The level of  intensity of this energy varies just like our temperaments; both of which are innate aspects of who we are.  When our erotic energy is out of sync, we will work to meet these needs even if it includes questionable choices with the potential for negative consequences.

You may ask – then why did she choose my man?

2. Your man showed his willingness to step out on his relationship

Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation and passion, in addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man – capable, sexy, wanted, valued.

If the other woman shows him that he is indeed capable, sexy, wanted and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with opportunities can equate to an affair.

Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him.

He consented.

The other women is actually not the issue, because if it wasn’t her, it likely would have been someone else.

Stop blaming and demonizing her and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.

3. Choosing a married man can be safer than having a real relationship.

Married men can bring to the table: attention, passion, time, experience and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and check book balancing.

Some women who have been in bad relationships don’t want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat.

Many women are not looking to ‘steal’ your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure and if he can give it to her, she’ll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last.

Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life, having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy.  They don’t want the daily drama, they want their space.

Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenge is the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotion thing even when unintended.  What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion.

Despite the desires to keep the relationship on a sexual level, emotions interfere and can cause fantasies of creating a true couple relationship.  The other woman and your man have to work out the boundaries of the affair.

Remember if he chooses the other woman over you, it was his choice to leave, not the mistress, but his choice.

4. The Thrill

Dr Valerie Golden, reports in her Psychology Today article Why Women want Married Men,  sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill, full of lust and passion, in a way not possible otherwise. Likewise, unprotected sex. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered, grabbing quick sexual encounters on the fly, can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty. And bawdy.

Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings.  Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses.

We often want sex with people who we would never marry.  Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical.  Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home.

An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous and more.

The thrill is intoxicating, to the point that even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.

5. Just because she can

Yes there is a difference between  the saying ‘just because you can doesn’t mean you should’ line of thinking and the ‘just go for it’ attitude. We make decisions everyday, some of them have little risk of consequences yet others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want- I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out.

Affairs tend to have a high price tag. Both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as the ‘what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them’  adage.

Yes sleeping with your man is selfish. Your man sleeping with her – also selfish.

 

The language ‘My Man’ in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership. We do not own people. ‘Your Man’ is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner.  We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him, and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he’s yours.  He is only himself.

She slept with him because she could, and it was the same with him. It is not uncommon for our values and behavior to misalign at times.  This does not mean the other woman is without values, morals, intelligence and worth as Farrah Gray would have you believe.  It means that balancing values and behavior can be difficult.  Our western society reaffirms life long monogamy with our partner and despite having the values and morals to support it, our biological nature can put a sledge hammer  on our best intentions.

 

As Charles J Orlando hypothesizes, women who were looking for an extra marital affair with married men were looking to connect in some way and to meet their unmet needs in the current relationship. In his adventures, he found women had the strong  need for connection, attention and just pure sex.

She slept with your man not because of her lack of worth or values but because:

  • Our Innate Needs
  •  He was Open to having Sex with her
  •  Its Non Committal
  • Thrilling
  • Because She Can

 

 

I reached an important understanding. When an adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels, gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it’s a sad realization for his wife that translates to “I’m not worth the effort.” This is a fatal blow to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn’t done those things for her recently… and it wasn’t purposeful, it was a mirror into my own accidental complacently (and I’m supposed to be an expert!!!). It’s not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter? Isn’t the end result the same? – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf

 

 

 

 

 


Jealous Bones

I made a comment recently that,  no other person is a threat to us unless its violence.

Your husband’s secretary, the cute girl working behind the reception counter at the gym, the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, a co-worker and so on. jealousy wine glasses

It seems that many women (and men) have moderate to high levels of jealousy  regarding their spouses/partners.

 

 

Here are a few examples of the thinking patterns that supports jealous thoughts and feelings.

Faulty thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as ‘they’ may ‘steal’ them from me.  all others are a risk to my relationship security.

Fantasy thinking: My partner will never find anyone  more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied that I am the best lover.

Fear, Self-Loathing thinking: Oh look, she is prettier than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know he’ll leave me for her. I hate her.

Wise thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, he/she is appreciating the beauty in another.  I feel secure in myself and in my relationship. If evidence comes up that  my partner crosses physical boundaries with this individual, then we will address it at that time.  Being human, we will find others attractive and have sexual interest in them, in my relationship we recognize this and work to maintain our monogamy. If our monogamy is challenged, I have many choices as to how to handle the situation.

jealous clipJealousy comes from fear, a loss of control, a belief that you are not good enough.

It is a faulty logic that is superceding our rational mind and higher sense of self. When we engage in faulty logic we increase our anxieties, feel scared and lessen our own sense of worth.

Dr Helen Fisher explains jealousy in an article for O magazine,

“Why do we feel jealousy? Therapists often regard the demon as a scar of childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem. And it’s true that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others. But the “monster” actually evolved for positive reasons. Throughout our primordial past it discouraged desertion by a mate, bolstering the family unit and enabling the survival of the young. At the same time, it has pushed us to abandon philanderers—and many a futile match—in favor of more stable and rewarding partnerships. Jealousy can even be good for love. One partner may feel secretly flattered when the other is mildly jealous. And catching someone flirting with your beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship.”

“But jealousy can go seriously awry. Some people, for no apparent reason, become consumed by it, undermining their self-esteem, and even driving their partner into another’s arms—the very outcome they had feared.”             Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships#ixzz2vmqoA8vx

One can utilize their feelings of jealousy in a positive way, to explore what is promoting their jealous feelings and get to the root of the concern.  It may allow you to shift from fearful thinking into wise thinking, or it may be a neon sign letting you know that a big problem resides in your relationship.

No one is a threat to our relationship, if our partner steps out emotionally and/or physically, it is not because of the other person, it IS because of your partners choice.

Remind yourself of your worth and value, shift into healthy-wise thinking, support a relationship that has boundaries in which you feel comfortable.  When a problem arrives address it, until then, don’t let your Jealous Bones create havoc in a likely unnecessary situation.

 

A quote by Robert A Heinlein, provides insight into the opposing factors of jealousy and love.  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”
Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

 

 

 

 


Valentine’s Hoopla

Tis the season of roses, chocolates and love notes. two hearts

Tis the season for my nausea.

I’m not a bah humbug, I’m just over the commercialization of romance.

Approximately 151 million Hallmark cards are purchased each year for this holiday.  Does Hallmark have lobbyist to keep the charade going?

Why is this a charade?

Because real relationships, real lovers, don’t need a calendar reminder to send gifts, notes of appreciation, and fancy dinners to show the other love on Februrary 14th.

Save your money and buy me some great flowers in March from Trader Joe’s to show your appreciation.

Set up a couples massage in December because we all need one during the holiday season.

Propose to me when you can’t stand not being my husband for the rest of your life, not because a calendar reminds you that it might be a good date to do so.

bubble bathRun me a bubble bath after a stressful day of work.

Buy me a great red wine to celebrate our accomplishments.

 

 

 

Many articles and programs are out to tell you how to spice up your relationship, how to romance your date away, and where to buy some great French chocolates.

Take heed in the advice, particularly the French chocolates because they are to die for, yet use it in your time.

We all enjoy appreciation, validation and acceptance.  Tell your partner, and not just on Valentines Day.

This is what keeps relationships rich.

Time together, words of empowerment and validation, compromise, teamwork, and laughter are the bricks and mortar of a strong relationship.

That’s what we want – right?

Do I need to purchase some red lingerie to show you that you’re wanted and I’m ready to be frisky?

Sure, but wear it throughout the year and surprise your partner.red lingerie

Let them know you want them, how good they smell, taste and look to you.

It is wise to say Happy Valentines Day and particularly to support Hallmark with a card, so we don’t feel ignored during the holiday, just take the message of the day and spread it throughout the year.

The history to this celebration is quite interesting. From the ancient Roman celebration of Lupercalia.

Lupercalia,… was anciently celebrated by shepherds…many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy…The Lupercalia festival was partly in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled the infant orphans “

Some theorist believe it was the Christian conversion (cultural take over) that took the date from the Romans and converted it into another celebration, that of the martyr Saint Valentines which dates back to the 5th Century.  Many “Valentines” were in existence, yet it is the lovely legend of the Saint Valentine that rebelled against the Roman Emperor Claudius II who outlawed marriage of his soliders  (love, committment and family = bad soliders in the emperors opinion) and performed secret weddings.

Ahhhh, the social justice of it all.

Love can prevail.

It seems that Chaucers poetry Parlement of Foules (1382) written for King Richard’s II of England’s engagement really turned Valentines Day into one meant for lovers

Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

 

Oh the eroticism of bird’s mating, really got them in the mood for romance in the 14th century.

Whether it be frolicking in the streets for fertility or standing up for love, Valentines seems to have turned into a  modern day materialization of gifts and demands to share your love.

I say to you- don’t get sucked into the mania of chocolates and roses this week, allow your gestures of love and validation to occur all year round.

Valentines vintage cardThat being said, I do hope for a card, some sex and taking my husband skeet shooting.  Oops, I guess, I too get sucked into the Valentine’s Hoopla


Eat me Tom Cat

There is an unusual phenomenon regarding cats and mice and its all due to a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii.

“It uses a remarkable trick to spread from rodents to cats: It alters the brains of infected rats and mice so that they become attracted to—rather than repelled by—the scent of their predators. A new study reveals that rodents infected with the parasitic protozoa are drawn to the smell of cat urine, apparently having lost their otherwise natural aversion to the scent.”

“There are a million examples of parasites manipulating host behavior,” said Robert Sapolsky, a Stanford University neuroscientist who collaborated with Vyas.”

 

 

In other words:

Mouse infected by Toxoplasma gondii

Mouse likes cat

Cat eats mouse

Parasite breeds in the gut of Cat

Cat poops

A new mouse eats the poop and likes cat

Cat eats mouse

And the cycle continues.

Humans too can be affected by this parasite but whether behavioral effects occur are controversial in the science community.

What we do know is even without this toxic brainwashing parasite in our own brains, we too can ask the Tomcat to eat us.

Figuratively of course.

 

 

 

 

Tomcats and mice are metaphors for the toxic relationships and situations in which we may place ourselves.

 
When we act like the infected mouse, we are walking into and staying in, toxic relationships.

 

According to LiveStrong, and author Dr. Cindy Solliday-McRoy

These are 36 signs you are in a toxic relationship:

“1. Your partner constantly puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.

2. Your partner makes you feel ugly and stupid.

3. Your partner tells you s/he loves you but her/his behavior suggests otherwise.

4. Your partner does not want you to see or talk to friends or family.

5. Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.

6. Your partner constantly accuses you of being unfaithful to her/him.

7. Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly just to check-up on you.

8. Your partner opens and reads your mail before giving it to you.

9. Your partner calls you or text messages you often to see what you are doing.

10. Your partner hides from you what s/he is up to and gets angry when you “pry” into her/his business.

11. You feel depressed, anxious or “crazy” over your relationship.

12. You cry more often that you laugh or smile over your relationship.

13. Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.

14. Your partner wants you to be dependent on her/him.

15. Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.

16. You never know who is going to show-up, “Dr. Jeckel or Mr. Hyde.”

17. You feel like you’re on a never-ending E-motional roller coaster ride.

18. When it’s good, it’s really good, but what it’s bad it’s a nightmare.

19. You can’t wait for the “honeymoon” period, after the fight.

20. Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, wants and needs are devalued.

21. You don’t know who you are anymore without her/him.

22. You feel like you couldn’t survive without her/her

23. You feel like your whole word revolves around her/him.

24. Your friends/family don’t like your partner or don’t think s/he is good for you.

25. You have changed things about your-Self to suit your partner, even when it’s not your taste.

26. You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.

27. You have no idea what your likes, dislikes, wants, needs or preferences are anymore.

28. You feel afraid or unsafe with your partner.

29. You afraid to speak the truth with your partner for fear of upsetting him/her.

30. You feel like you have to walk on egg shells whenever you’re with your partner.

31. You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.

32. Your self-esteem is lower since you’ve been with your partner.

33. You stay in the relationship because you think no one else would want you.

34. You think it’s up to you to make the relationship work.

35. You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.

36. You can’t remember the last time you felt truly happy for more than a few days, perhaps hours, at a time.”

Pay attention to the above signs.

Set limits and healthy boundaries

Talk with friends and family

Get support and stop presenting yourself to the hungry Tomcat.

Tomcat…you’re not going to eat this one!


Seduce Me??

The age old art of Seduction

Temptation

Enticement

Charm

Appeal

Sex

There’s a variety of books, articles and websites talking specifically about how to seduce someone.  The M3 Model lists seduction in three phases:

Attraction, Comfort and Seduction.

The attraction phase is divided into :
A1 – Approach
A2 – Attracting the HB or Female-to-male Interest (Demonstrate high value, using gimmick, magic, psychic routine, humor ……)
A3 – Male-to-Female Interest (The hot babe must be baited into demonstrating her own value. By this way, you’re just attracted to her by her personality or charm, other than her looks)

The comfort phase is divided into :
C1 – Building rapport
C2 – Building emotional connection and physical connection
C3 – Intimacy

The seduction phase is divided into :
S1 – Foreplay
S2 – LMR  (Last Minute Resistance. Once you have it, she may say “we should stop …” or “We better be careful about where this is going”.)
S3 – Sex

The Game:“Penetrating the Society of Pickup Artists,”, by Neil Strauss, has 10 chapters which are titled: 1) Select a Target 2) Approach and Open 3) Demonstrate Value 4) Disarm the Obstacles 5) Isolate the Target  6) Create an Emotional Connection 7) Extract to a Seduction Location 8) Pump Buying Temperature  9) Blast Last Minute Resistance 10) Manage Expectations.

Is this really seduction?

It sounds to me like, Divide and Conquer. 

Power, Overtake, Master, Dominate, Manipulate and Control.

Where’s the love?

Psychology Today blogger Caroline Simon, PHD. defines seduction as:

“Seduction sets out to get a “yes” whether or not sex compromises the welfare and sexual autonomy of the seduced.  It is no accident that the root meaning of “seduce” is “separate” or lead away. Those who are seduced are led away from the values central to their own sense of integrity.”

“Seduction may look “romantic” but it is really all about self-centered power.”

Simon’s check list for seduction:

  1. There is mutual consent to all activities.
  2. The pursuer wants to get to know the pursued in order to obtain consent.
  3. Deception or calculated ambiguity is used to obtain consent.
  4. The pursuer is indifferent to the welfare of the pursued.
  5. The pursuer’s motives in the pursuit are personal pleasure or an ego-boost.
  6. The pursued person consents to sexual activities which he or she was averse to engaging in or which are at odds with his or her principles or priorities.
  7. The pursued person would not consent to all the activities engaged in unless he or she were deceived or manipulated.

That’s no fun.

Using your skills and attractiveness to lure someone in so that you can get them to do something willingly yet against their better judgement, their value system, and their real intent.

When you are interested in  ‘catching’ a guy or girl, pay attention to your intent.  Is it to bed them? To wed them? To date them? To win them over? Or just plain ‘get off’?

If your real intent is to bed them and get off, instead of utilizing the steps suggested for ‘seduction’, why not try honesty. Your hot, I’d really like to …… (you fill in the blank).

Be respectful, not only does that other person have attributes you find sexually arousing, they are also a person.  A person who deserves kindness, honesty, and respect.

How about we throw the whole seduction thing out of the window.

Power, control, manipulation, and disrespect for the other person’s values, has no place in the bedroom or in relationships.

Let’s flirt, tease, play – respectfully, consensual, while valuing the other person.

Seduce Me, not.

Lets play.

 

 

 

 


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