Category Archives: Sexy image

Valentine’s Hoopla

Tis the season of roses, chocolates and love notes. two hearts

Tis the season for my nausea.

I’m not a bah humbug, I’m just over the commercialization of romance.

Approximately 151 million Hallmark cards are purchased each year for this holiday.  Does Hallmark have lobbyist to keep the charade going?

Why is this a charade?

Because real relationships, real lovers, don’t need a calendar reminder to send gifts, notes of appreciation, and fancy dinners to show the other love on Februrary 14th.

Save your money and buy me some great flowers in March from Trader Joe’s to show your appreciation.

Set up a couples massage in December because we all need one during the holiday season.

Propose to me when you can’t stand not being my husband for the rest of your life, not because a calendar reminds you that it might be a good date to do so.

bubble bathRun me a bubble bath after a stressful day of work.

Buy me a great red wine to celebrate our accomplishments.

 

 

 

Many articles and programs are out to tell you how to spice up your relationship, how to romance your date away, and where to buy some great French chocolates.

Take heed in the advice, particularly the French chocolates because they are to die for, yet use it in your time.

We all enjoy appreciation, validation and acceptance.  Tell your partner, and not just on Valentines Day.

This is what keeps relationships rich.

Time together, words of empowerment and validation, compromise, teamwork, and laughter are the bricks and mortar of a strong relationship.

That’s what we want – right?

Do I need to purchase some red lingerie to show you that you’re wanted and I’m ready to be frisky?

Sure, but wear it throughout the year and surprise your partner.red lingerie

Let them know you want them, how good they smell, taste and look to you.

It is wise to say Happy Valentines Day and particularly to support Hallmark with a card, so we don’t feel ignored during the holiday, just take the message of the day and spread it throughout the year.

The history to this celebration is quite interesting. From the ancient Roman celebration of Lupercalia.

Lupercalia,… was anciently celebrated by shepherds…many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy…The Lupercalia festival was partly in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled the infant orphans “

Some theorist believe it was the Christian conversion (cultural take over) that took the date from the Romans and converted it into another celebration, that of the martyr Saint Valentines which dates back to the 5th Century.  Many “Valentines” were in existence, yet it is the lovely legend of the Saint Valentine that rebelled against the Roman Emperor Claudius II who outlawed marriage of his soliders  (love, committment and family = bad soliders in the emperors opinion) and performed secret weddings.

Ahhhh, the social justice of it all.

Love can prevail.

It seems that Chaucers poetry Parlement of Foules (1382) written for King Richard’s II of England’s engagement really turned Valentines Day into one meant for lovers

Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

 

Oh the eroticism of bird’s mating, really got them in the mood for romance in the 14th century.

Whether it be frolicking in the streets for fertility or standing up for love, Valentines seems to have turned into a  modern day materialization of gifts and demands to share your love.

I say to you- don’t get sucked into the mania of chocolates and roses this week, allow your gestures of love and validation to occur all year round.

Valentines vintage cardThat being said, I do hope for a card, some sex and taking my husband skeet shooting.  Oops, I guess, I too get sucked into the Valentine’s Hoopla


What is the Best Sex You’ve Ever Had? Was it Hall of Fame Worthy?

What is the Best Sex You’ve Ever Had? Was it Hall of Fame Worthy?

My newest Footballandsex.com blog ponders the characteristics that categorizes the best sex we’ve ever experienced.  It was influenced by the recent enshrinement of seven NFL athletes/coaches in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

A few share their necessary adjectives and brief highlighted sexual experiences.  Add yours, I’m interested.


Heart of Sex

heartThe American Heart Association and the European Society of Cardiology released a statement Monday urging physicians to discuss sex with their cardiac patients post heart attack, transplant, stroke, implanted heart device or other heart conditions, as well as, counseling their partners.

According to the AHA, Counseling should address topics such as when to resume sex, specific methods and recommended positions, and the role of intimacy without sex.

The Washington Post reported that, It’s billed as the first scientific statement with detailed guidance on resuming sex.

In Eduardo Chapunoff’s book, Heart Disease & Sex, he writes that 50% of post heart attack and implantable defibrillator patients don’t return to having sexual intercourse.  This news is sad and discouraging for a large portion of our population, which includes myself and my husband.

When people think of heart disease, they often associate it with the 70 year old and older crowd.  Even though the statistics are higher as we age, this stereotype excludes a significant portion of those with heart disease under the age of 50.  Additionally, it limits the importance of  sexual activity as we tend to de-sexualize those in their senior years.  The recommendation by the AHA helps to end the view that elderly sex is not important and adds to the value of remaining sexually active with cardiac and other health conditions.

At the age of  25, I was diagnosed with  Cardiomyopathy (a weak heart muscle often leading to transplantation, life longtwo hearts medication and even death)  I was not interested in ending my sex life.  I wanted sex until my life ended and thought humorously, what a way to go!   I wanted intimacy to continue to be a significant part of my relationship and sex expression.

At that time, Doctors did not inquire about my sex life or provide suggestions; it was I, who hounded them about expectations, effects and my abilities.  My husband asked the potential risk to him if during sexual activity, my pacemaker/defibrillator provided a treatment, aka shocked me.  He was informed that he’d feel a bit of a jolt, but for it not to dissuade him.  I reminded him that he always knew I was ‘electrifying’.

icd

 

The intensity of my cardiac symptoms and medication made sexual interest, arousal, and response challenging for a handful of years.  Now after 16 years post diagnosis, two pacemakers, and stabilization on my medications, my sexual expression and interest are pretty high.  I am lucky to have no restrictions on my sex life.  Oh the endless possibilities.

But wait, my 38 year old husband decided last month to have a near fatal heart attack, have surgery, and be placed in a hypo-thermic coma. Beyond a miracle is his survival.  Now it is he, who is dealing with the multiple effects of heart disease, medications and life adjustments.  Luckily, he’s married to a sex therapist, cardiac patient, and supportive partner ( I believe he’d agree)

When my husband asked the Dr about his sex life, specifically when he can have sex again, the Dr laughed noting it was the first question men ask post heart attack. Now providers can be on the same track as their patients.  We want to effectively treat our condition and get back to our lives….our sex lives in particular.

I am ready to return to the endless opportunities in the bedroom with my partner; it will take a bit of time and hopefully a lot of practice.

Listed are the AHA guidelines to resuming sex with heart disease and more:

General precautions listed in the statement include:  (I have added my two cents in red below)

—Before resuming sex, make sure you can engage in moderate physical activity, such as walking briskly up two flights of stairs, without chest pain, breathlessness or other symptoms.

Make sure you are strong enough to walk slowly.  When engaging in sex, remain a passive partner until your stamina increases.  Enjoy lying flat during intercourse and receiving oral sex.  If providing stimulation to your partner, lie relaxed on your side with a pillow supporting your head and back.

—If moderate activity is too strenuous, avoid intercourse but not intimacy: hugging and kissing may be OK.

Only hugging and kissing??? Thats enjoyable but why exclude being masturbated by your partner or receiving oral sex. Occasionally deep kissing can lead to shortness of breath, take breaks that allow you to breathe and gently kiss other parts of the body.

—Have sex in a comfortable, familiar place and avoid things that could add stress to the experience, including extramarital affairs.

Interesting, have a heart attack, end your affair?? You can read my articles on non-monogamy

—Tell your doctor about any symptoms during sex, including chest pain, dizziness or insomnia afterward.

—Some positions may not be safe. Heart bypass surgery patients should avoid being on top in the missionary position, and Steinke said having sex in a more “upright position” may be easier for some heart failure patients, whose symptoms may include shortness of breath.

spooningRecommended positions for male patients : partner on top in an arm less chair, missionary-  partner on top, lying side by side in a spoon position, standing on the side of the bed with  partner on their back near edge of bed or on their stomach with their rear lifted  – lean your weight on the bed to reduce feeling dizzy or use your hands for support.

 

Female patients: side by side spooning position, missionary with partner on top and weight on their knees to avoid pressure to your chest/abdomen, rear rear entryentry with pillows under chest and stomach for support, lying on your back with bottom to edge of bed with partner standing.  If your head is too low, you may feel dizzy, support your head or elevate it slightly.

Cheers to the American Heart Association.

Myself as well as many others are interested in the endless possibilities to sex even with a cardiac condition.

 

 

 

 


I’ve Got a Secret

This weekend, my head was full of ‘ear worms’, you know when a song gets stuck in your head and you can’t get it out.

While at the grocery store, the song “Cult of Personality” came on and I could barely tolerate my shopping, then against any conscious choice, it kept repeating in my head long after my trip.

The Cult of Personality was replaced the following day with yet another ‘ear worm’ which was luckily one of my favorite artists, Kate Nash – her song, “I’ve got a secret”.  I was regularly humming this tune throughout my home most of the day.

Kate Nash I’ve got a secret

secret“I’ve got a secret”, could possibly be a theme song for my work.

Many people enter sexual therapy holding on to, then revealing their sexual secrets.

I am really with ______ (other person)

I really like to _____, but could never tell my spouse.

You won’t believe what I did, I’m so embarrassed.

This may shock you, but….

I masturbate thinking about _______, am I normal?

What gets me off most in bed is______But if my partner knew, I think they’d reject me.

Marty Klein, one of my favorite sex therapists, wrote a book entitled, Your Sexual Secrets . (1988)

Marty states,

“You learned it as a child:  sex is bad. But like all the other kids, you had sexual thought and feelings.  Early on you learned the Secrecy Imperative: to avoid punishment, rejection, and abandonment you’d better keep your sexuality a secret….Accepting sexual experiences and feelings leads to a sense of choice…(people) can choose to share sexual thoughts with their loved ones, or they may choose to maintain their secrets, with the conscious awareness that they are doing so.  Either choice can bring healing to people and to relationships.”

He notes there are actually good reasons to share some of your sexual secrets if the following goals are possible:

Getting closer to your partnerseduction

Improving your sexual relationship

Increasing your self esteem

Reducing the physical or emotional stresses of secrecy

Changing a relationship, or supporting a current change (page 151)

 

 

Potential scenarios where it could behoove one to disclose their secret may be:

You enjoy anal stimulation and would like to include it in your love play but are uncertain of your partners reaction…..you never know till you ask.

You fantasize about grangagged-and-bound1ny porn and want to watch these films occasionally during sex with your partner.

You are more aroused by your partners toes than the rest of their body, ask to incorporate toe play during sex.

You want to be gagged and bound at times when you’re turned on, ask your partner to try it.

You are interested in polyamory, discuss what it would be like to open the relationship to other partners.

There is a lot of love to go around.

 

Marty suggests not to disclose sexual secrets if your intent is to:

Get Revenge

Punish or Humilitate

Relieve a heavy burden of guilt

Invite criticism and punishment

To test a relationship

To create a smokescreen (pg 162)

The largest theme of sexual secrets in  my office has nothing to do with criminal behavior, harm to others, or true deviancy.  It is mostly self judgement and shame of relatively normative sexual behaviors.

If the behavior is:

Consensualconsensual

Between adults

Is respectful to the self and the other

Then….its normal

Feet fetishes, polyamory, anal pleasure, granny porn, gagged and bound, as well as many more sexual behaviors are all normal.

One may argue and say its disrespectful to watch granny porn when partners are sexual together….if so, then you explore ways to keep aroused that are considered mutually respectful and sexually satisfying.

Another argument is around the secrecy of affairs; one may ask how does that respect the self and the other?  If the parties engaging in sex together do so as consenting adults and feel respected by the other, then that is considered normative sexual behavior.  The spouse on the other hand may have a much different opinion.  Morals are a different topic from scientific norms.

ive got a secretYou get to decide the secrets you tell.

You decide whether you hold onto self judgement, guilt or shame.

You decide how and to whom to disclose, if ever.

We all have some secrets, either big or small.

The popularity of our secrets has lead to the highly successful website: post secrethttp://www.postsecret.com

Its anonymous with the exception that you submit and we (the voyeurs) read.

 

I’ll end with my continual ear worm, Kate Nash:

“Ive got a secret,  I can’t tell you….you would judge”

 

 

 


Get It On Ape Style: What we can learn from Bonobo’s

This weekend I had to privilege to read, Sex at Dawn, a book by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha.  I find this book so inspiring that I encourage you to read.

“Ryan and Jethá show how our promiscuous past haunts our current struggles regarding monogamy, sexual orientation, and family dynamics. Some of the themes they explore include:

• why long-term fidelity can be so difficult for so many;
• why sexual passion tends to fade even as love deepens;
• why many middle-aged men risk everything for an affair;
• why homosexuality persists in the face of standard evolutionary logic; and
• what the human body reveals about the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality”

Scientists often look at our closest relative, the Chimpanzee, to explore and to gain a better understanding of  our own behavior, yet Ryan and Jetha highlight the mammal closest to our own human behavior is the pygmy chimp version:  the Bonobo.

Bonobo’s screw for everything.

They have sex as a way to meet, greet, resolve conflict, enjoy food, and of course to mate.

According to Primatologist, Frans de Waal states bonobos are capable of altruism, compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, and sensitivity.[3]

 

Christopher Ryan reported to Psychology Today, seven things we can learn from getting it on ape style, in the article 7 Things Bonobos Can Teach us About Love and Sex.

Below is a highlight of his tips.

“1. More sex = less conflict. As the great primatologist, Frans de Waal put it, “Chimps use violence to get sex, while bonobos use sex to avoid violence.”… As James Prescott demonstrated… the connection between less restrictive sexuality and less conflict generally holds true for human societies as well. 

2. Feminism can be very sexy. When females are in charge, everyone lives better (including the males)…

3. Sisterhood is powerful. Although female bonobos are about 20% smaller than males—roughly the same ratio as in chimps and humans—they dominate males by sticking together. If a male gets out of line and harasses a female, ALL the other females will gang up on him. This sisterly solidarity, combined with lots of sex, tends to keep the males behaving politely.

4. Jealousy isn’t romantic. While bonobos no-doubt experience unique feelings for one another, they don’t seem to worry much about controlling one another’s sex lives.

5. There’s promise in promiscuity. All the casual sex among bonobos is arguably a big part of what has made them among the smartest of all primates. Until human beings came along and messed things up for them, bonobos enjoyed very high quality of life, low stress, and plenty of social interaction in hammocks. In fact, of the many species of social primates living in multi-male social groups, not a single species is sexually monogamous. Each of the arguably smartest mammals–humans, chimps, bonobos, and dolphins—is promiscuous.

6. Good sex needn’t always include an orgasm, and “casual” doesn’t necessarily mean “empty” or “cheap.” Most bonobo sexual interactions are nothing more than a quick feel, rub, or intromission—a “bonobo handshake,” if you will… But bonobos are very romantic: like humans, they kiss, hold hands (and feet!), and gaze into one another’s eyes while having sex.

7. Sex and food go together better than love and marriage—at least for bonobos. Nothing gets a bonobo orgy started faster than a feast. Give a group of bonobos a bunch of food and they’ll all have some quick sex before very politely sharing the food…”

 

 

 

In conclusion, our advance species hasn’t necessarily advanced our social interactions nor reinforced our need for relaxation and play.

Power, control, jealously and more, cloud our ability to truly living a full life.

Decide whether or not, you would like to have more of a Bonobo manner of living.

You can get it on ape style.


%d bloggers like this: