A Reader Asks About Blow Jobs, Painful Sex, and Her Husbands Sex with Others

Question… : My husband has been having sex with another women, because I have never been able to perform oral sex on him the way he wants.

I was a virgin when we met and have never had any experience prior.

I have tried to learn, but I can’t please him.

I also have a problem with him inserting his penis in my vagina.

My vagina seems to be tilted and when he does get it in, it causes me pain.

I want to go to a therapist, but unsure how to locate one or what to do.

Dear Reader, You note a variety of factors in your current situation.
I will address four areas for your interest.
The first is that your husband has chosen to obtain his sexual needs with another partner.
The concept of an open relationship is very workable and can be liberating in a committed relationship.  This decision is about respecting each others sexual and emotional needs and it is best not to enter into such a relationship lightly.
  I am wondering whether you made the decision to have an open marriage based upon a poly-amorous philosophy or merely because you feel unable to meet his sexual needs.
If it is about his needs only, I am concerned this may challenge your self esteem and feelings of worth. If you plan to end the open aspect of your marriage after you feel comfortable sexually, you may want to reconsider your current situation.
Secondly, if you are having difficulty performing oral sex on your husband, there are a variety of books and tips to help assist you in providing a fantastic blow job:

Plus a variety of web articles and video such as:
Giving oral sex is not only about accommodating your partners penis in your mouth, you may lick, stroke, and utilize a masturbation sleeve for more of an sucking sensation. You can purchase one at :
If you are using a variety of techniques and are open to experimentation and your partner is still not satisfied, then he just might be using that as an excuse to gain sexual pleasure outside of the marriage.
Third, you mention concerns with vaginal pain during penetrative intercourse.
I recommend you visit your OB/GYN to explore possible physical abnormalities and search collaboratively for treatments to assist you in a pleasurable intercourse experience.
If you find no significant vaginal abnormalities outside of a tilted vaginal canal, I suggest using a variety of sexual positions to find the one that provides you with comfort during penetration.
It is very important to be fully lubricated by your natural vaginal lubrication or through aids such as Astroglide, as well as receiving a significant amount of stimulation on your whole body that includes your breasts and clitoris.
When women are not fully aroused, pain is not uncommon.
You may find this article helpful:
Lastly, I believe couples therapy would be very beneficial to address your concerns.
To find a certified sex therapist visit: www.aasect.org; you may also find sex therapists on www.psychologytoday.com where you type in your location and sexual therapy as a specialty to locate professionals in your area.
I hope these tips help you in creating the relationship you desire and deserve.
May you experience pleasure in your bedroom and comfort in your relationship choices whether that is an open or monogamous marriage.
This question came into We Want More
and as a trusted Expert for We Want More I responded

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

An excellent article detailing what it takes to really love:

Being There

Being Beneficent 

Being Non-Maleficent

Making a Commitment

Being Loyal 

Being Consistent

Being Candid

Being Trustworthy

Being Consistent

Being Empathetic 

Being Tolerant




Sex & Horses

What does horse riding & sex have in common?
How do you like to be touched?
Do you like a soft, light touch or prefer more intensity with spurs & a crop.
Paying attention to not only ways we like to be touched but how your partner touches you. Shift touch in ways that’s mutually satisfying. Watch for tips.

Affairs May be Good for a Marriage….Yet it Costs. Here’s My 3 Cents

An article on Slate.com written by Hanna Rosin and titled

The Upside of Infidelity: Can An Affair Save your Marriage, affair secret

got me thinking.

One thought: is my joy at knowing therapists are changing their puritanical views of martial infidelity and realizing our humanity, how our flawed self can bring us healing & reparations, as well as the validity of differing relationship and sexual needs.

My second thought: is the vastness of reasoning’s behind affairs.

Many therapists have their list to the ‘why’s’ of affairs.  Those whose partners cheated tend to search rapidly and in a fit of panic to find the ‘reason’ to the affair.

Many of the whys of affairs  state:

Situational Availability

Need for Excitement

Attachment Issues

Emptiness in their Marriage

Lack of Sex at Home

Desire to be Wanted

An Ego boost

An Escape


Intimacy Avoidance

An Out- A Way to End a Relationship/Marriage

Externally Meeting your Sexual and Emotional Needscheating woman



Conflict Avoidance

and Many More

When therapist discuss the benefits to an extra martial affair they report:

It forces you to look at and hopefully address the the challenges in your own marriage, share your needs, and create a new and reinvigorated relationship and sexual expression.

According to Michael Formica in his “Enlightened Living” blog post,and sited by YourTango.com 4 Types of Infidelity and How Affairs Help a Marriage he states,

“First, he says, an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership—what was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.

Second if you’re having an affair you’re probably doing it because you’re missing something in your first relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that you lack, and address that problem.

Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different—according to Formica they can be “a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.”

cheating manAn Alternet.com article titled:  Can Adultery Be Healthy? 6 Kinds of Sexual Affairs and How They Can Be Good for You by Douglas LaBier

• “Some affairs are psychologically healthy.

That’s right. An affair can help leverage you out of a destructive or deadened relationship that’s beyond the point of renewal….It (can) springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into having the affair while postponing necessary action.

• An affair can help renew your relationship with your existing partner.

An affair can spur you to confront what you really want from your existing partner and motivate you to try creating it. Larry, a journalist, had an affair for nearly four years. After an argument with his lover one day, he realized he was beginning to feel much of the same irritation and sexual boredom that he felt towards his wife. “This is pretty screwed-up,” he said to me. “I’ve got to do something.” As he examined what he really wanted and valued he recognized his own role in evading long-standing conflicts in his marriage

• There’s always a reason for beginning an affair, and it relates to some issue in your existing relationship.

It’s far better to face and resolve that first. You don’t just “find” yourself having an affair, or “end up” in bed with someone. It’s your choice, but it can be beautifully rationalized. So take a look at what’s missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can — or even want to — do something about it. It’s preferable to try renewing your relationship, or end it with mutual respect.

By acknowledging that an affair means you’re living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way. And there are plenty of consequences – for yourself, your children, your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations. When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains.

That’s why I advocate awareness at the outset: You can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences. Or yes, you can remain unconscious….but then you still have to deal with the consequences!”

LaBier’s article leads me to my third thought:

The costs of an affair.

Aside from the potential to end your marriage, even affairs ‘undiscovered’ by a partner comes with a price tag:

It Affects Your Heart….Most affairs are short lived despite fantasies of longevity: therefore equating a heartbreak sad-girlthat rivals the intensity of adolescent and early adulthood relationship endings. = Heart-wrenching, Crushing, and A Stabbing Pain to our Emotions.

Your Sense of Self….who am I to make a choice that would hurt my spouse whom I still love.  How do I  feel good about myself? What does commitment mean to me? Can I remain monogamous? Do I need to end my relationship? Do I need an open relationship? What is empty or at void with me that I am filling in ways to go against my selected commitment? How do I meet my needs in respecting ways?

Challenges Your Values— Your Views of Marriage/Relationships/Sex/Monogamy/Infidelity.

It can create quite a whirlwind of cognitive challenges, visceral sensations, self rejection as well as exploration and growth.

The most challenging times in our lives provide the greatest room for growth.

All the above examples of the cost of an affair can provide an excellent learning ground to reduce judgement and create a wonderful learning opportunity.

affair leaving bedroomDespite the ability for an affair to promote self growth and relationship enhancement the costs are high.

Its an emotionally expensive way to learn.

Affairs cost more than 3 cents, and those were mine.


Low Libido? I Discuss the Keys to Bringing Desire Into Your Life

Many women note their reduced or no desire in sex.
This video provides tips for you to bring desire back into your life.

Stay Open!

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