Tag Archives: affairs

5 Reasons the Other Woman Slept with Your Man

Recently, I read an article by Farrah Gray entitled Why the Other Woman Slept with your Man.

Farrah’s list includes  6  reasons she slept with your man:

  • She’s Selfish
  • She has no morals
  • She’s psycho
  • She’s accessible
  • She’s just that dumb
  • She’s desperate

His list had over 18200 Facebook shares.  I’m assuming those who shared are the ones who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman’s lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality as it had no depth to explain our human nature nor placement of responsibility on the male partner with exception of one sentence indicating his role. ” The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands.”

Fortunately,  I came across another article, Ever Wonder Why Women Cheat, A Married Man Goes Undercover on Ashley Madison to Find Out by Charles J Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the married but lets have an affair website of Ashley Madison  to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.

1. Women want and need attention, appreciation, and passion

When there is a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, we will seek out ways to fulfill the gaps. At times, the seeking out will be obvious such as creating an Ashley Madison profile or it may be a sudden opportunity presenting without much forethought.

In the Huffington Post article, Jennifer Garam writes; Why I had an affair with a Married Man

“Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality… Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.”

She felt alive again, and that’s a main component in way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid.

She goes further to explain, “This feels so good I don’t want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes. I have such an overactive conscience I couldn’t even take a paperclip from work without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didn’t faze me.”

As humans, we all have an erotic energy. The level of  intensity of this energy varies just like our temperaments; both of which are innate aspects of who we are.  When our erotic energy is out of sync, we will work to meet these needs even if it includes questionable choices with the potential for negative consequences.

You may ask – then why did she choose my man?

2. Your man showed his willingness to step out on his relationship

Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation and passion, in addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man – capable, sexy, wanted, valued.

If the other woman shows him that he is indeed capable, sexy, wanted and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with opportunities can equate to an affair.

Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him.

He consented.

The other women is actually not the issue, because if it wasn’t her, it likely would have been someone else.

Stop blaming and demonizing her and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.

3. Choosing a married man can be safer than having a real relationship.

Married men can bring to the table: attention, passion, time, experience and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and check book balancing.

Some women who have been in bad relationships don’t want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat.

Many women are not looking to ‘steal’ your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure and if he can give it to her, she’ll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last.

Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life, having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy.  They don’t want the daily drama, they want their space.

Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenge is the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotion thing even when unintended.  What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion.

Despite the desires to keep the relationship on a sexual level, emotions interfere and can cause fantasies of creating a true couple relationship.  The other woman and your man have to work out the boundaries of the affair.

Remember if he chooses the other woman over you, it was his choice to leave, not the mistress, but his choice.

4. The Thrill

Dr Valerie Golden, reports in her Psychology Today article Why Women want Married Men,  sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill, full of lust and passion, in a way not possible otherwise. Likewise, unprotected sex. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered, grabbing quick sexual encounters on the fly, can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty. And bawdy.

Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings.  Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses.

We often want sex with people who we would never marry.  Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical.  Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home.

An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous and more.

The thrill is intoxicating, to the point that even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.

5. Just because she can

Yes there is a difference between  the saying ‘just because you can doesn’t mean you should’ line of thinking and the ‘just go for it’ attitude. We make decisions everyday, some of them have little risk of consequences yet others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want- I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out.

Affairs tend to have a high price tag. Both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as the ‘what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them’  adage.

Yes sleeping with your man is selfish. Your man sleeping with her – also selfish.

 

The language ‘My Man’ in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership. We do not own people. ‘Your Man’ is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner.  We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him, and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he’s yours.  He is only himself.

She slept with him because she could, and it was the same with him. It is not uncommon for our values and behavior to misalign at times.  This does not mean the other woman is without values, morals, intelligence and worth as Farrah Gray would have you believe.  It means that balancing values and behavior can be difficult.  Our western society reaffirms life long monogamy with our partner and despite having the values and morals to support it, our biological nature can put a sledge hammer  on our best intentions.

 

As Charles J Orlando hypothesizes, women who were looking for an extra marital affair with married men were looking to connect in some way and to meet their unmet needs in the current relationship. In his adventures, he found women had the strong  need for connection, attention and just pure sex.

She slept with your man not because of her lack of worth or values but because:

  • Our Innate Needs
  •  He was Open to having Sex with her
  •  Its Non Committal
  • Thrilling
  • Because She Can

 

 

I reached an important understanding. When an adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels, gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it’s a sad realization for his wife that translates to “I’m not worth the effort.” This is a fatal blow to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn’t done those things for her recently… and it wasn’t purposeful, it was a mirror into my own accidental complacently (and I’m supposed to be an expert!!!). It’s not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter? Isn’t the end result the same? – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf

 

 

 

 

 


Affairs May be Good for a Marriage….Yet it Costs. Here’s My 3 Cents

An article on Slate.com written by Hanna Rosin and titled

The Upside of Infidelity: Can An Affair Save your Marriage, affair secret

got me thinking.

One thought: is my joy at knowing therapists are changing their puritanical views of martial infidelity and realizing our humanity, how our flawed self can bring us healing & reparations, as well as the validity of differing relationship and sexual needs.

My second thought: is the vastness of reasoning’s behind affairs.

Many therapists have their list to the ‘why’s’ of affairs.  Those whose partners cheated tend to search rapidly and in a fit of panic to find the ‘reason’ to the affair.

Many of the whys of affairs  state:

Situational Availability

Need for Excitement

Attachment Issues

Emptiness in their Marriage

Lack of Sex at Home

Desire to be Wanted

An Ego boost

An Escape

Entitlement

Intimacy Avoidance

An Out- A Way to End a Relationship/Marriage

Externally Meeting your Sexual and Emotional Needscheating woman

Impulsivity

Revenge

Conflict Avoidance

and Many More

When therapist discuss the benefits to an extra martial affair they report:

It forces you to look at and hopefully address the the challenges in your own marriage, share your needs, and create a new and reinvigorated relationship and sexual expression.

According to Michael Formica in his “Enlightened Living” blog post,and sited by YourTango.com 4 Types of Infidelity and How Affairs Help a Marriage he states,

“First, he says, an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership—what was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.

Second if you’re having an affair you’re probably doing it because you’re missing something in your first relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that you lack, and address that problem.

Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different—according to Formica they can be “a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.”

cheating manAn Alternet.com article titled:  Can Adultery Be Healthy? 6 Kinds of Sexual Affairs and How They Can Be Good for You by Douglas LaBier

• “Some affairs are psychologically healthy.

That’s right. An affair can help leverage you out of a destructive or deadened relationship that’s beyond the point of renewal….It (can) springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into having the affair while postponing necessary action.

• An affair can help renew your relationship with your existing partner.

An affair can spur you to confront what you really want from your existing partner and motivate you to try creating it. Larry, a journalist, had an affair for nearly four years. After an argument with his lover one day, he realized he was beginning to feel much of the same irritation and sexual boredom that he felt towards his wife. “This is pretty screwed-up,” he said to me. “I’ve got to do something.” As he examined what he really wanted and valued he recognized his own role in evading long-standing conflicts in his marriage

• There’s always a reason for beginning an affair, and it relates to some issue in your existing relationship.

It’s far better to face and resolve that first. You don’t just “find” yourself having an affair, or “end up” in bed with someone. It’s your choice, but it can be beautifully rationalized. So take a look at what’s missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can — or even want to — do something about it. It’s preferable to try renewing your relationship, or end it with mutual respect.


By acknowledging that an affair means you’re living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way. And there are plenty of consequences – for yourself, your children, your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations. When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains.

That’s why I advocate awareness at the outset: You can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences. Or yes, you can remain unconscious….but then you still have to deal with the consequences!”

LaBier’s article leads me to my third thought:

The costs of an affair.

Aside from the potential to end your marriage, even affairs ‘undiscovered’ by a partner comes with a price tag:

It Affects Your Heart….Most affairs are short lived despite fantasies of longevity: therefore equating a heartbreak sad-girlthat rivals the intensity of adolescent and early adulthood relationship endings. = Heart-wrenching, Crushing, and A Stabbing Pain to our Emotions.

Your Sense of Self….who am I to make a choice that would hurt my spouse whom I still love.  How do I  feel good about myself? What does commitment mean to me? Can I remain monogamous? Do I need to end my relationship? Do I need an open relationship? What is empty or at void with me that I am filling in ways to go against my selected commitment? How do I meet my needs in respecting ways?

Challenges Your Values— Your Views of Marriage/Relationships/Sex/Monogamy/Infidelity.

It can create quite a whirlwind of cognitive challenges, visceral sensations, self rejection as well as exploration and growth.

The most challenging times in our lives provide the greatest room for growth.

All the above examples of the cost of an affair can provide an excellent learning ground to reduce judgement and create a wonderful learning opportunity.

affair leaving bedroomDespite the ability for an affair to promote self growth and relationship enhancement the costs are high.

Its an emotionally expensive way to learn.

Affairs cost more than 3 cents, and those were mine.

 


Sex Scandals: Schwartzenegger, Edwards and Weiner

Sex Scandals are filling up the pages of electronic media, on air minutes, magazine covers, and even our nightly news.

Many experts are offering up their opinions and insights into the causes, effects,and reactions to infidelity and sexual acting out.  Today, I will not be one of the explanatory experts, yet instead a questioner.

A questioner of why our culture is so swept away in sexual scandals.

Why it is you buy the magazines, click on the web articles, and turn up the volume?

Is it our voyeuristic desires to see what others are doing behind closed doors so that we may feel less twisted in our own wishes?

A validation of our own indiscretions?

An affirmation of our ‘goodness’ in the face of such behavior?

An ability to judge the weakness of another?

Do we interest ourselves in the private lives of others just to side with the ‘least guilty’ party while damning the ‘guilty’ one?

Is our self-esteem boosted by the failing of another?

Is it our bedrooms, our relationships, or our political careers that are threatened? For 99% of us, the answer is No.

…Oh but it’s so Juicy, So Scandalist , Just So…… (you fill in the blank)

Why do we care?

We care that Arnold and his maid reportedly engaged in near daily romps for years with a child born out of their long-standing tryst?

How many politicians can we think of that had children with their mistresses?

Ode to love children: Strom Thurmond, the bigoted conservative South Carolina Senator, was in a  hot scandal with his ‘love child’ born from an African American mother.  Thomas Jefferson’s fathered several children with his slave, Sally Hemings.  Civil Rights leader, Jesse Jackson admitted to having a child from an extra marital affair.  Presidents Grover Cleveland and William J Hardy both were reported to have children out of wedlock.

Infidelity and ‘love children’ are not a 21st Century phenomenon.

We care that Mr. Weiner had an erection where one could see a distinct penile outline through his gray boxer briefs? Is this situation as new one? According to Bethanny Marshall a Marriage Therapist noted,  “Basically, people are engaging in the same fantasies and behaviors that they always have, but now they have the technology to back it up.”

Social Media and Technology make accessible all that previously would have been too far, too risky, or too obvious. Our ‘hidden’ and in Weiners case, ‘not so hidden’ sexual acting out.  

http://abcnews.go.com/US/sexting-growing-headache-adults-anthony-weiner-blake-lively/story?id=13770641

Now Edwards situation, may cause reasonable social backlash from his campaign supporters whom hoped to see him win a Presidency and not to hide a love child or silence a mistress with their donated dollars. John Edwards is accused of improperly spending nearly one million dollars of campaign funds to keep his mistress and child out of sight during his White House bid.

Scandals at times appear synonymous with politicians.

Power, Sex, and Money. 

Our cultural fascination.

Are the reactions and/or interest in sexual scandals similar to our own morbid desires to slow down to see the damage from a tragic car accident?  Similar to our interest in seeing movie stars without their make up or previous athletes pack on an infinite number of pounds? Similar to watching horror films for the shock and awe, the squeal, the gasp, the commentary with our friends after.

Ohhhhhhh…..Lets take a look!

No, I don’t want to look (one hand only partially covering the eyes) but….We do.

We do look. We are curious.  Are interests are lifted.

One must acknowledge how the objects of our morbid curiosities have changed over this millennia, considering our past- where community entertainment covered public executions and arena sports filled with men and animals fighting to their deaths.

Considering such, I guess we have evolved.

Sexual scandals are merely a form of current social entertainment.

Yet, as long as it isn’t in our bedrooms, with our money, negatively effecting our choices, Who Cares!

It’s social amusement.

Buy your magazines, turn up the volume, gossip with your friends; sex scandals will never end.

As humans we will all continue to struggle with Power, Sex, and Money.

If you want, go look…you can.  But Who really cares?


I have the answer!: Why Schwarzenegger cheated with the maid.

The Arnold Schwarzeneggers affair and child with the maid is all over the headlines as the cause of his separation and soon to be divorce from Maria Shriver. This long standing couple maintained a 25 year marriage and had four children. Many experts are talking about the role power plays in men who have affairs.  Having social and financial power can encourage feelings of  invincibility, heightened ego, and a sense of entitlement; therefore believing in the illusion of – no consequences.  This theory can ring true in many situations, yet it in no ways explains the rate of extra marital affairs for the rest of us: plumbers, stay at home moms, accountants, nurses and the like. [photo: guerillawomentn.blogspot.com]

Research supports that 20-40% of men  and 20-25% of females engage in sexual affairs during their lifetime.  I do not believe the jilted spouse will feel too pleased or comforted with any answer they receive as to why the affair took place, yet there are a myriad of reasons, such as:  getting caught in order to depart or even ‘patch’ up the marriage ;  to gain more attention and independence; to supplement their marriage; to feel special, wanted, desired, and attractive; some want revenge; to feel youthful; more manly or feminine; some crave drama or adventure and lets not forget just plain bored. These are social and psychological influences behind why people have affairs.  This does not include our biological influences.  Helen Fischer states in her article Cheating Science, ” sexual betrayal is so widespread in nature that scientists now refer to monogamous species as practicing “social monogamy,” in which partners “play house” with one  individual…and cheat with others.”

Are we even meant to be monogamous? We know of the commonality of low libido in long term monogamous relationships, the high rate of divorce and the percentage of those having affairs nearing one half, many of us are effected. According to Christopher Ryan, Ph.D., a psychologist, teacher, and author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality (HarperCollins),”…human beings are clearly evolved for sex lives featuring multiple simultaneous sexual relationships.  Men, especially, are designed by evolution to be attracted to sexual novelty and to gradually lose sexual attraction to the same partner in the absence of such novelty. ”  This biological explanation does not excuse infidelity, yet it does allow us to consider innate temptation, hormonal influences, and the active control/restraint to stay faithful.  Biological influences may be more in play than one would guess, Glass and Wright (1985) report that some 56% of men and 34% of females described their marriage as “happy” or “very happy” even when engaging in extra marital affairs.  Monogamy is a choice, and sometimes that choice is very difficult.

Now in Schwarzenegger’s case, no one will truly know with 100% certainty why he chose to have an affair with the maid Patty, yet along with the above possibilities we must include: opportunity and proximity.

It is a rare day when one finds some validity albeit humorously on a comedy sitcom.  While watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother, the character Barney Stinton explains how a woman one finds very unattractive one day, can appear beautiful on another day and he goes on to describe the humorous- “Mermaid Theory”.  See the below skit to learn more and hopefully laugh.

Schwarzenegger had social and financial power, a long term marriage, male biology, and a female maid who worked for their family for 20 years.  In my opinion, it is likely that the most influential component in his decision to ‘step out’ was availability and opportunity. After 10 years, this maid (manatee) turned into a mermaid.

Now- you have your answer as to why Arnold had the affair…..’The Mermaid Theory’.


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