Tag Archives: healthy relationships

A Reader Asks About Blow Jobs, Painful Sex, and Her Husbands Sex with Others

Question… : My husband has been having sex with another women, because I have never been able to perform oral sex on him the way he wants.

I was a virgin when we met and have never had any experience prior.

I have tried to learn, but I can’t please him.

I also have a problem with him inserting his penis in my vagina.

My vagina seems to be tilted and when he does get it in, it causes me pain.

I want to go to a therapist, but unsure how to locate one or what to do.

Dear Reader, You note a variety of factors in your current situation.
I will address four areas for your interest.
The first is that your husband has chosen to obtain his sexual needs with another partner.
The concept of an open relationship is very workable and can be liberating in a committed relationship.  This decision is about respecting each others sexual and emotional needs and it is best not to enter into such a relationship lightly.
Cheating
  I am wondering whether you made the decision to have an open marriage based upon a poly-amorous philosophy or merely because you feel unable to meet his sexual needs.
If it is about his needs only, I am concerned this may challenge your self esteem and feelings of worth. If you plan to end the open aspect of your marriage after you feel comfortable sexually, you may want to reconsider your current situation.
Secondly, if you are having difficulty performing oral sex on your husband, there are a variety of books and tips to help assist you in providing a fantastic blow job:

Plus a variety of web articles and video such as:
Giving oral sex is not only about accommodating your partners penis in your mouth, you may lick, stroke, and utilize a masturbation sleeve for more of an sucking sensation. You can purchase one at :
fleshlight
If you are using a variety of techniques and are open to experimentation and your partner is still not satisfied, then he just might be using that as an excuse to gain sexual pleasure outside of the marriage.
Third, you mention concerns with vaginal pain during penetrative intercourse.
I recommend you visit your OB/GYN to explore possible physical abnormalities and search collaboratively for treatments to assist you in a pleasurable intercourse experience.
Sex-Positions
If you find no significant vaginal abnormalities outside of a tilted vaginal canal, I suggest using a variety of sexual positions to find the one that provides you with comfort during penetration.
It is very important to be fully lubricated by your natural vaginal lubrication or through aids such as Astroglide, as well as receiving a significant amount of stimulation on your whole body that includes your breasts and clitoris.
When women are not fully aroused, pain is not uncommon.
You may find this article helpful:
Lastly, I believe couples therapy would be very beneficial to address your concerns.
To find a certified sex therapist visit: www.aasect.org; you may also find sex therapists on www.psychologytoday.com where you type in your location and sexual therapy as a specialty to locate professionals in your area.
I hope these tips help you in creating the relationship you desire and deserve.
May you experience pleasure in your bedroom and comfort in your relationship choices whether that is an open or monogamous marriage.
This question came into We Want More
and as a trusted Expert for We Want More I responded

Eat me Tom Cat

There is an unusual phenomenon regarding cats and mice and its all due to a parasite called Toxoplasma gondii.

“It uses a remarkable trick to spread from rodents to cats: It alters the brains of infected rats and mice so that they become attracted to—rather than repelled by—the scent of their predators. A new study reveals that rodents infected with the parasitic protozoa are drawn to the smell of cat urine, apparently having lost their otherwise natural aversion to the scent.”

“There are a million examples of parasites manipulating host behavior,” said Robert Sapolsky, a Stanford University neuroscientist who collaborated with Vyas.”

 

 

In other words:

Mouse infected by Toxoplasma gondii

Mouse likes cat

Cat eats mouse

Parasite breeds in the gut of Cat

Cat poops

A new mouse eats the poop and likes cat

Cat eats mouse

And the cycle continues.

Humans too can be affected by this parasite but whether behavioral effects occur are controversial in the science community.

What we do know is even without this toxic brainwashing parasite in our own brains, we too can ask the Tomcat to eat us.

Figuratively of course.

 

 

 

 

Tomcats and mice are metaphors for the toxic relationships and situations in which we may place ourselves.

 
When we act like the infected mouse, we are walking into and staying in, toxic relationships.

 

According to LiveStrong, and author Dr. Cindy Solliday-McRoy

These are 36 signs you are in a toxic relationship:

“1. Your partner constantly puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.

2. Your partner makes you feel ugly and stupid.

3. Your partner tells you s/he loves you but her/his behavior suggests otherwise.

4. Your partner does not want you to see or talk to friends or family.

5. Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.

6. Your partner constantly accuses you of being unfaithful to her/him.

7. Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly just to check-up on you.

8. Your partner opens and reads your mail before giving it to you.

9. Your partner calls you or text messages you often to see what you are doing.

10. Your partner hides from you what s/he is up to and gets angry when you “pry” into her/his business.

11. You feel depressed, anxious or “crazy” over your relationship.

12. You cry more often that you laugh or smile over your relationship.

13. Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.

14. Your partner wants you to be dependent on her/him.

15. Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.

16. You never know who is going to show-up, “Dr. Jeckel or Mr. Hyde.”

17. You feel like you’re on a never-ending E-motional roller coaster ride.

18. When it’s good, it’s really good, but what it’s bad it’s a nightmare.

19. You can’t wait for the “honeymoon” period, after the fight.

20. Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, wants and needs are devalued.

21. You don’t know who you are anymore without her/him.

22. You feel like you couldn’t survive without her/her

23. You feel like your whole word revolves around her/him.

24. Your friends/family don’t like your partner or don’t think s/he is good for you.

25. You have changed things about your-Self to suit your partner, even when it’s not your taste.

26. You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.

27. You have no idea what your likes, dislikes, wants, needs or preferences are anymore.

28. You feel afraid or unsafe with your partner.

29. You afraid to speak the truth with your partner for fear of upsetting him/her.

30. You feel like you have to walk on egg shells whenever you’re with your partner.

31. You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.

32. Your self-esteem is lower since you’ve been with your partner.

33. You stay in the relationship because you think no one else would want you.

34. You think it’s up to you to make the relationship work.

35. You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.

36. You can’t remember the last time you felt truly happy for more than a few days, perhaps hours, at a time.”

Pay attention to the above signs.

Set limits and healthy boundaries

Talk with friends and family

Get support and stop presenting yourself to the hungry Tomcat.

Tomcat…you’re not going to eat this one!


Divorce, Schivorce….Give Me a Break

One of the latest Hollywood couples to call it quits is Katy Perry and Russell Brand.

What may have led to the demise of their marriage after only 14 months?

The tabloids report possible marital concerns with Brand’s flirty behavior at his recovery meetings (such a great place to pick someone up!), his kinky sex life (allegedly turned on by sex with men in wheelchairs), his emotional unavailability, and her vigorous touring/traveling schedule.

Sometimes, I ask, why are we even surprised or care for that matter?

Yet, frustration abounds when it appears the lack of effort and seriousness people place on their marriage.

Marriage can be a bear, or a bitch for that matter at times, but its worth the work.

We cannot know the truth about the Perry/Brand marriage or the real reasons behind their split.  We can, however, look at a more global marital experience and say – if abuse, harm, or danger did not occur in the marriage, doesn’t it deserve more time, effort, and behavior change from both parties to see the potentials in self growth and the possibility of improved couple cohesion.

A spouse will not ‘complete you’ or be a saving grace nor create your happiness.

They can however, push us to grow, explore who we are, support us in our passions and in our difficult times, enhance our own happiness, add more laughter to our life, light a fire under our behinds when we need it and add some heat in the bedroom.

The epitome of marital collapse at warp speed is the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries total of 72 days of marriage. 

Is that even enough time to engage in couples counseling, seek spiritual guidance, allow time to actually work through their problems?   I think not.

Time, effort, and support are key to working through conflict.

Patience, respect, and flexibility help us get there.

We live in a culture of immediate gratification; the view that our spouse is to be our perfect soul mate, to meet all of our needs, and to be a continual source of happiness.

These are obviously unrealistic expectation of any partner.

Spouse’s aren’t perfect, and neither are we.

So give me a break.

Quickie marriages, quickie divorces.

Marriage can be a bear….Deal with it!

A great article on thinking twice about divorce is from Dr. Margaret Paul at InnerBonding:

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/1612/marriage-help-if-you-are-thinking-of-getting-a-divorce-think-again.html


Sex: If it does not end with orgasm, How do I know when its over?

This is part two of my video blog addressing the sexual issues of: Orgasms, how fast is too fast= Rapid Ejaculation.

I noted in my first video blog that sex does not end just because the male ejaculates….this comment lead to many emails. I received questions such as “when IS  sex over”,  “How long do I need to stay awake”, “Really?!?, Well I’m done”.

Enjoy the video to gain a better understanding of when sex is over  and ending with two satisfied people.


Ten Things Favre Would Tell Cam:Ten Things I Would Tell Him Also.

Dan Van Wie wrote an article in The Bleacher Report entitled “Cam Newton: Top Ten Things Brett Favre Would Tell The Rookie QB as his Mentor” (5/18/11).

  1. Learn How to Bide your Time as a Rookie.
  2. How to Use your Fame for Endorsement Deals.
  3. How to Command Credibility and Respect.
  4. QB Style: Their Games Don’t Exactly Match Up.
  5. Talk about Being an Entertainer and Icon and The Social Media.
  6. Know When its Time to Walk Away.
  7. How to Stay in Shape.
  8. How to Read the NFL Defense.
  9. How to Deal with the Media.
  10. How to Retain your Passion for the Game and Keep Having Fun.

I would highly encourage you to read his elaboration on the above 10.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/703031-top-10-things-brett-favre-would-tell-cam-newton-as-his-mentor   [photo: theepochtimes.com]

Mr Van Wie’s list inspired me to make my own Top Ten list, one that parallels the main message above with the underpinnings of sex and relationships, as a “Sexual Mentor”.

1) Patience my Dear, Female Orgasms take Time.  Men are straight shooters, on average having orgasms 90% of the time.   Men’s orgasms are faster and appear to be easier to achieve.  If a man is engaging in intercourse without pause, he will most likely ejaculate in 3 to 5 minutes.  As many things can be more difficult with females, orgasms can present a challenge.  With intercourse only, 20% of women achieve orgasm. Why the discrepancy?  The female core of pleasure nerves lie in the clitoris (more nerve endings than in the whole penis); intercourse provides some direct and indirect stimulation of the clitoris during thrusting motion yet often not enough needed to put us over the top.  Even though orgasm isn’t the goal in sex- pleasure is….. clitoral stimulation over 15 to 20 minutes time, often gets us there. Total body and genital stimulation helps women to orgasm 60+% of the time.  So Cam, be patient, vary stimulation/speed/lubrication and patiently wait for her big “O”.

2) How to Use your Fame to Select your Sexual Partners. The women will come in droves, many at the doorstep all ready.  Gaining a sexual partner will be as easy as pointing your finger. Selecting wisely and with safe sex strategies another.  When Favre metaphorically got in bed with Madden it drastically boosted his endorsement deals and widened his fan base- this strategy benefitted: player, product, and fan.  When you choose who to literally go to bed with, think about: their sexual history, sobriety, respect to all parties involved, safe sex, a person with both brains and beauty, and their motives. It may be fun just to have sex with the swarms of women that come your way without consideration for many of the above thoughts, yet unwise choices with unhealthy (emotionally &/or physically) people are very heavy. Select a bed partner that benefits: you, the sexual partner and your future.

3)Gain Credibility and Respect in the Bedroom. Self respect is the first step to gaining respect from others.  When one respects themselves they tend to make choices that reflect integrity and character.  Eliminate the B.S., don’t say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’ll call you’ unless you mean it; don’t make any false promises to the ladies. Make sure sexual behaviors are reciprocated….sex is only a one sided pleasure when masturbating.  Show selectiveness when choosing a sexual partner. Friends with benefits does exist yet you have to maintain the friends part or it just becomes a person to call for sex when interested.  Exhibit humbleness, I’m not saying don’t be proud of the sexual skills you’ve developed or not to acknowledge your physique yet do so in a humble manner. Ask a woman what she wants, sexually and afterwards. Always have safe sex, it respects both you and your sexual partner. Condoms may interfere with 100% penile sensation (giving you instead 90%) yet it feels a lot better than pissing fire when you have an STD or of course, having a life threatening illness-(HIV).   (I recommend Trojan Skyn or Durex extra sensitive for increased sensation)

4) Whether a QB or an Average Joe, Size only Says So Much: We hear a lot about the size of the male penis; it seems bigger is better. Yet this is not always the case.  When penises are too large they can create pain in the vagina and to the cervix and well as be almost impossible to place in your mouth-both in diameter and length. I have never heard a woman discuss the size of her vagina…I doubt women really even know the ‘average’ size of the vaginal canal.  Vaginas in their daily state are around 3 1/2 inches in length, once aroused they can expand up to 5 1/2 inches or so.  This mean that the man with a ‘reported’ 7 1/2″ penis, doesn’t even need 2 of those inches.  Typical penises are between 5 to 6 inches when erect.  It appears that the diameter/width of a penis is more related to pleasure due to the feeling of fullness women gain and enjoy.   5 1/2 inches is enough, the rest is for show.  Despite its size, its how you use it to both you and your partners satisfaction. My message to the men out there whether you are a large or small penis guy- enjoy and use what you have- stop comparisons, wrap it up, and get your game on!

5) The Spotlight can Light You Up or Burn You. Being in the position of a popular sports figure plus with the advantages of attractiveness, athleticism, and funds,  the opportunity to meet and date highly attractive females will come with relative ease.  When the spotlight is on, it is easy and without conscience attention to become a ego maniac- everyone loves me, I can get anything I want, I am invincible, bring it!  Well a part of it true, fans with love you, ladies will cling to you,your attractiveness is obvious, yet you will remain human and under scrutiny of the press.  As humans we all make mistakes, guaranteed. The unfortunate part of being in the spotlight is that everyone gets to see, hear or read about your mistakes both on and off the field.  Use your charm and skill to shine and humbleness to lessen the burn.

6)Sometimes  you Walk. Knowing when to walk away and doing it, is two different things. We often know when we are making unwise decisions in relationships or just in the bedroom and we frequently say ‘oh well, what the hell’, yet repeating this pattern will lead you to a dead end.  As a ‘cake eater’ myself meaning – I want my cake and eat it too- I can recognize the desires to gain, obtain, and experience.  Surprising as it may be, those that gain all their ‘wants/desires’ often report unhappiness and general dissatisfaction with life.  It appears that healthy limits and boundaries increase happiness!  So- not getting ‘everything’ we want benefits us. Learning when to walk away shows wisdom and can lead to a happier life.

7) Regular Sex is Good for your Health. Engaging in safe sex 3 or more times per week reduces your risk of heart attack and stroke by 50%!  Its boosts immunity 30%, improves circulation and sleep, burns calories and is fun. Ejaculating 5 times or more per week drastically reduces your risk for prostate cancer and is even linked to a longer life span.

8) Learning to Read others is  Challenging. Emotional IQ is just as, if not more so, important than intellectual IQ. Emotional Intellect is perceiving, using, understanding and regulating emotions in both ourselves and in others. Learning to read the defensive line in play can be difficult, now trying to read or better understand both yourself and others- thats a big challenge that takes time, insight, self awareness, and practice. This skill will not only benefit you as an athlete but also as a man. I recommend you accept this challenge.

9) Media’s pitfalls  Outside of the obvious  paparazzi, all eyes will be on you. That not only includes your performance on the field but off.  Easy ways to avoid pitfalls:  a.) no sex with underage girls          b.) no sex texting    c.)no penis pics       d.) don’t videotape yourself having sex or let others tape you     e.) don’t have sex with your friends woman or your household help  f.) manage your substance consumption so you don’t look like a drunken fool out on the town   g.) always use a condom to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STD’s  h.) don’t say you have tiger blood   i.) don’t refer to yourself in 3rd person …many more can be added to this list, but its a good starting point.

10) Maintaining Passion and Zest in your Relationships.  If you choose to engage in a monogamous relationship, it will have many rewards and some challenges, such as how to maintain passion in the bedroom.  There are many ways one can maintain or create passion in the bedroom: vary up sex,  enact or share fantasies, keep flirting, be a team player at home and contribute, date, prioritize, surprise, and… keep dating.  Women want sex, adventure, validation and a companion.

The list of 10 Tips from this “Sexual Mentor” can help you succeed in your own game. Enjoy the practice, suit up and PLAY!


%d bloggers like this: