Tag Archives: infidelity

5 Reasons the Other Woman Slept with Your Man

Recently, I read an article by Farrah Gray entitled Why the Other Woman Slept with your Man.

Farrah’s list includes  6  reasons she slept with your man:

  • She’s Selfish
  • She has no morals
  • She’s psycho
  • She’s accessible
  • She’s just that dumb
  • She’s desperate

His list had over 18200 Facebook shares.  I’m assuming those who shared are the ones who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman’s lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality as it had no depth to explain our human nature nor placement of responsibility on the male partner with exception of one sentence indicating his role. ” The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands.”

Fortunately,  I came across another article, Ever Wonder Why Women Cheat, A Married Man Goes Undercover on Ashley Madison to Find Out by Charles J Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the married but lets have an affair website of Ashley Madison  to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.

1. Women want and need attention, appreciation, and passion

When there is a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, we will seek out ways to fulfill the gaps. At times, the seeking out will be obvious such as creating an Ashley Madison profile or it may be a sudden opportunity presenting without much forethought.

In the Huffington Post article, Jennifer Garam writes; Why I had an affair with a Married Man

“Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality… Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.”

She felt alive again, and that’s a main component in way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid.

She goes further to explain, “This feels so good I don’t want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes. I have such an overactive conscience I couldn’t even take a paperclip from work without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didn’t faze me.”

As humans, we all have an erotic energy. The level of  intensity of this energy varies just like our temperaments; both of which are innate aspects of who we are.  When our erotic energy is out of sync, we will work to meet these needs even if it includes questionable choices with the potential for negative consequences.

You may ask – then why did she choose my man?

2. Your man showed his willingness to step out on his relationship

Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation and passion, in addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man – capable, sexy, wanted, valued.

If the other woman shows him that he is indeed capable, sexy, wanted and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with opportunities can equate to an affair.

Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him.

He consented.

The other women is actually not the issue, because if it wasn’t her, it likely would have been someone else.

Stop blaming and demonizing her and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.

3. Choosing a married man can be safer than having a real relationship.

Married men can bring to the table: attention, passion, time, experience and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and check book balancing.

Some women who have been in bad relationships don’t want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat.

Many women are not looking to ‘steal’ your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure and if he can give it to her, she’ll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last.

Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life, having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy.  They don’t want the daily drama, they want their space.

Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenge is the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotion thing even when unintended.  What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion.

Despite the desires to keep the relationship on a sexual level, emotions interfere and can cause fantasies of creating a true couple relationship.  The other woman and your man have to work out the boundaries of the affair.

Remember if he chooses the other woman over you, it was his choice to leave, not the mistress, but his choice.

4. The Thrill

Dr Valerie Golden, reports in her Psychology Today article Why Women want Married Men,  sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill, full of lust and passion, in a way not possible otherwise. Likewise, unprotected sex. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered, grabbing quick sexual encounters on the fly, can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty. And bawdy.

Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings.  Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses.

We often want sex with people who we would never marry.  Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical.  Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home.

An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous and more.

The thrill is intoxicating, to the point that even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.

5. Just because she can

Yes there is a difference between  the saying ‘just because you can doesn’t mean you should’ line of thinking and the ‘just go for it’ attitude. We make decisions everyday, some of them have little risk of consequences yet others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want- I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out.

Affairs tend to have a high price tag. Both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as the ‘what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them’  adage.

Yes sleeping with your man is selfish. Your man sleeping with her – also selfish.

 

The language ‘My Man’ in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership. We do not own people. ‘Your Man’ is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner.  We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him, and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he’s yours.  He is only himself.

She slept with him because she could, and it was the same with him. It is not uncommon for our values and behavior to misalign at times.  This does not mean the other woman is without values, morals, intelligence and worth as Farrah Gray would have you believe.  It means that balancing values and behavior can be difficult.  Our western society reaffirms life long monogamy with our partner and despite having the values and morals to support it, our biological nature can put a sledge hammer  on our best intentions.

 

As Charles J Orlando hypothesizes, women who were looking for an extra marital affair with married men were looking to connect in some way and to meet their unmet needs in the current relationship. In his adventures, he found women had the strong  need for connection, attention and just pure sex.

She slept with your man not because of her lack of worth or values but because:

  • Our Innate Needs
  •  He was Open to having Sex with her
  •  Its Non Committal
  • Thrilling
  • Because She Can

 

 

I reached an important understanding. When an adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels, gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it’s a sad realization for his wife that translates to “I’m not worth the effort.” This is a fatal blow to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn’t done those things for her recently… and it wasn’t purposeful, it was a mirror into my own accidental complacently (and I’m supposed to be an expert!!!). It’s not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter? Isn’t the end result the same? – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf

 

 

 

 

 


Affairs May be Good for a Marriage….Yet it Costs. Here’s My 3 Cents

An article on Slate.com written by Hanna Rosin and titled

The Upside of Infidelity: Can An Affair Save your Marriage, affair secret

got me thinking.

One thought: is my joy at knowing therapists are changing their puritanical views of martial infidelity and realizing our humanity, how our flawed self can bring us healing & reparations, as well as the validity of differing relationship and sexual needs.

My second thought: is the vastness of reasoning’s behind affairs.

Many therapists have their list to the ‘why’s’ of affairs.  Those whose partners cheated tend to search rapidly and in a fit of panic to find the ‘reason’ to the affair.

Many of the whys of affairs  state:

Situational Availability

Need for Excitement

Attachment Issues

Emptiness in their Marriage

Lack of Sex at Home

Desire to be Wanted

An Ego boost

An Escape

Entitlement

Intimacy Avoidance

An Out- A Way to End a Relationship/Marriage

Externally Meeting your Sexual and Emotional Needscheating woman

Impulsivity

Revenge

Conflict Avoidance

and Many More

When therapist discuss the benefits to an extra martial affair they report:

It forces you to look at and hopefully address the the challenges in your own marriage, share your needs, and create a new and reinvigorated relationship and sexual expression.

According to Michael Formica in his “Enlightened Living” blog post,and sited by YourTango.com 4 Types of Infidelity and How Affairs Help a Marriage he states,

“First, he says, an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership—what was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.

Second if you’re having an affair you’re probably doing it because you’re missing something in your first relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that you lack, and address that problem.

Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different—according to Formica they can be “a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.”

cheating manAn Alternet.com article titled:  Can Adultery Be Healthy? 6 Kinds of Sexual Affairs and How They Can Be Good for You by Douglas LaBier

• “Some affairs are psychologically healthy.

That’s right. An affair can help leverage you out of a destructive or deadened relationship that’s beyond the point of renewal….It (can) springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into having the affair while postponing necessary action.

• An affair can help renew your relationship with your existing partner.

An affair can spur you to confront what you really want from your existing partner and motivate you to try creating it. Larry, a journalist, had an affair for nearly four years. After an argument with his lover one day, he realized he was beginning to feel much of the same irritation and sexual boredom that he felt towards his wife. “This is pretty screwed-up,” he said to me. “I’ve got to do something.” As he examined what he really wanted and valued he recognized his own role in evading long-standing conflicts in his marriage

• There’s always a reason for beginning an affair, and it relates to some issue in your existing relationship.

It’s far better to face and resolve that first. You don’t just “find” yourself having an affair, or “end up” in bed with someone. It’s your choice, but it can be beautifully rationalized. So take a look at what’s missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can — or even want to — do something about it. It’s preferable to try renewing your relationship, or end it with mutual respect.


By acknowledging that an affair means you’re living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way. And there are plenty of consequences – for yourself, your children, your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations. When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains.

That’s why I advocate awareness at the outset: You can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences. Or yes, you can remain unconscious….but then you still have to deal with the consequences!”

LaBier’s article leads me to my third thought:

The costs of an affair.

Aside from the potential to end your marriage, even affairs ‘undiscovered’ by a partner comes with a price tag:

It Affects Your Heart….Most affairs are short lived despite fantasies of longevity: therefore equating a heartbreak sad-girlthat rivals the intensity of adolescent and early adulthood relationship endings. = Heart-wrenching, Crushing, and A Stabbing Pain to our Emotions.

Your Sense of Self….who am I to make a choice that would hurt my spouse whom I still love.  How do I  feel good about myself? What does commitment mean to me? Can I remain monogamous? Do I need to end my relationship? Do I need an open relationship? What is empty or at void with me that I am filling in ways to go against my selected commitment? How do I meet my needs in respecting ways?

Challenges Your Values— Your Views of Marriage/Relationships/Sex/Monogamy/Infidelity.

It can create quite a whirlwind of cognitive challenges, visceral sensations, self rejection as well as exploration and growth.

The most challenging times in our lives provide the greatest room for growth.

All the above examples of the cost of an affair can provide an excellent learning ground to reduce judgement and create a wonderful learning opportunity.

affair leaving bedroomDespite the ability for an affair to promote self growth and relationship enhancement the costs are high.

Its an emotionally expensive way to learn.

Affairs cost more than 3 cents, and those were mine.

 


Women Cheat, We too are Human

Women Cheat, We too are Human

This is an article I submitted to Yourtango.com to address a recent research study noting the increase in female infidelity. 

Read, Share, Comment


Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

Vickie Larson’s recent article in the Huffington Post titled, “Why Men Need to Cheatcaused a flurry of attention.

She interviewed Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of the provocative new book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating.

Mr. Anderson calls monogamy a, “socially compelled sexual incarceration”  within a society who has a  stronghold on our beliefs.   Those beliefs, he labels as ‘monogamism’,  brings with it ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries.

His main point in the interview is that men have a strong urge or NEED for quick, frivolous, unattached sex, while thriving on and wanting the emotional monogamy and continued love of their wife.

Quick sex here, stable marriage there.

Some may call this ‘Cake Eating’.

Honestly, who of us wouldn’t like to have our cake and eat it too?

Anderson’s idea is  that one  (in particular men) can engage in sex outside of  marriage without emotional entanglements and still have strong love, interest, and desire for a long term marriage with their spouse.

Many couples I have worked with struggle with the concept that one partner ‘stepped out’ and can STILL claim to love them.

How is this love?

Well its not about the lack of love of the spouse, it can be more about meeting our own selfish needs.  Its more like a lack of respect for the monogamous commitment they agreed upon with their partner.

Getting a thrill here, attention, excitement and alot of pleasure ‘down there’.

I believe that monogamy is not a natural human inclination.

Bonding, community, team work….yes-a natural inclination, it provides safety, security and promotes the continuation of the human race.  Yet monogamy albeit providing financial security, stability in raising a family, emotional security and more, is a choice.

Those that recognize this and discuss their interest in sharing themselves sexually with other people, often receive a backlash from not only their spouse but from society.

HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you?

Well its honest, raw, real.

Often the ‘injured’ partner will state they would ‘never do that’, which to me  means, monogamous choices are easier for them.  It is not something they battle or at least commonly battle.  They are able to prioritize their respect for their  monogamous agreement rather than seek sexual gratification elsewhere.

Limited research is available that looks at the success of open marriages, where a strong commitment and love remains in the long term relationship while agreeing upon sexual escapades elsewhere.

Dan Savage has the term ‘monogamish’, to describe his long term relationship.

Savage states, “Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren’t monogamous, because they don’t want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce. ”

Dossie Easton, is a psychotherapist, specializing in polyamory and penned the book, The Ethical Slut.

The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way. Discussion topics include how to deal with the practical difficulties and opportunities in finding and keeping partners, maintaining relationships with others, and strategies for personal growth.

It contains chapters discussing how consensual nonmonogamy is handled in different subcultures such as the gay and lesbian communities, information on handling scheduling, jealousy, communication, conflict in relationships, and etiquette for group sexual encounters.”

What we can agree upon is that affairs occur with somewhat regularity in our society.

Mr. Anderson notes men’s NEED for sex, the constraints of monogamy, and limits to disclosing our natural state.

I postulate that both men and women choose monogamy.  This choice can be a difficult one.

It is also NOT the only choice.

One can love a partner and eye another, have a sexual romp, and return to their commitment at home.

Most of us would enjoy the occasion of eating our cake.

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater??


Four Naked Women, Vodka on Tap and a Hot Tub

Nudity, drunkenness and hot tubing with four ladies, is the recent allegation against Ashton Kutcher. 

The media has focused on the possible downfall of Ashton and Demi Moore’s marriage with news of his alleged infidelity and their odd public tweets.

According to ABC News , Ashton tweeted, “When you ASSUME to know that which you know nothing of you make an A[**] out of U and ME” .  Early Thursday morning, Kutcher tweeted a link without comment, to his Spotify account, where he was playing the Public Enemy song “Don’t Believe the Hype.”

Demi took a tweet pic of her “naked back with the message, “remember…..you’ve got your own back.” She seemed more direct on Sept. 23, when she tweeted a quote from Greek philosopher Epictetus, writing, “When we are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”
On Monday, she wrote “I see through you….” and linked to a photo of herself lying down with her eyes closed, her mouth drawn in a line.”
These may be cryptic messages with the intent to spur the other, yet presenting them via public tweets says nothing about mature communication.
When I read the title “Four naked women, vodka on tap and a hot tub”, my first thought is Fun! Juicy!
Our society places such high standards on marital fidelity and how one ‘should’ behave while married; it seems near impossible to fulfill such standards particularly in our sex infused, adrenaline focused, immediate need gratification culture.
The society of the double edged sword: like it, want it, be it….oops we ‘caught’ you.
Life is full of temptations.
Resisting some of these temptations can be beneficial to ourselves and our partners.
Yet what temptations to resist and which to partake is to be defined within your relationship and not based upon societal/cultural/religious expectations placed upon you or your relationship.
Maybe Ashton and Demi support a purely monogamous relationship where nudity and sex with others is not supported.
What about more permeable marital boundaries,  enjoy the hot tub, the vodka, the beauty of the naked women with a policy of look but don’t touch, or even touch safely and with open communication.
Creating an open style marriage does not fully protect the other from betrayal or boundaries crossing yet it allows the opportunity for us to explore whether commitment and fidelity are synonymous and if its necessary to maintain fidelity to maintain a committed marriage.
Monogamy is nearly unattainable in the mind and can be difficult to practice.   This challenge is trumped up when one adds fame and fortune. 
Statistics show the significant amounts of infidelity that occur in marriages- anywhere between 30% to 50%, yet we continue to hold fidelity as the proof of a strong and successful marriage.
In the Demi/Ashton scenario,  I would suggest engaging in effective communication,  maintaining privacy and working to define what does and does not work for their marriage.
The rest of us could benefit from doing the same.
You and your partner decide if nudity, vodka and hot tubing work for you…..it does sound fun.

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