Tag Archives: jealousy

Jealous Bones

I made a comment recently that,  no other person is a threat to us unless its violence.

Your husband’s secretary, the cute girl working behind the reception counter at the gym, the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, a co-worker and so on. jealousy wine glasses

It seems that many women (and men) have moderate to high levels of jealousy  regarding their spouses/partners.

 

 

Here are a few examples of the thinking patterns that supports jealous thoughts and feelings.

Faulty thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as ‘they’ may ‘steal’ them from me.  all others are a risk to my relationship security.

Fantasy thinking: My partner will never find anyone  more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied that I am the best lover.

Fear, Self-Loathing thinking: Oh look, she is prettier than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know he’ll leave me for her. I hate her.

Wise thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, he/she is appreciating the beauty in another.  I feel secure in myself and in my relationship. If evidence comes up that  my partner crosses physical boundaries with this individual, then we will address it at that time.  Being human, we will find others attractive and have sexual interest in them, in my relationship we recognize this and work to maintain our monogamy. If our monogamy is challenged, I have many choices as to how to handle the situation.

jealous clipJealousy comes from fear, a loss of control, a belief that you are not good enough.

It is a faulty logic that is superceding our rational mind and higher sense of self. When we engage in faulty logic we increase our anxieties, feel scared and lessen our own sense of worth.

Dr Helen Fisher explains jealousy in an article for O magazine,

“Why do we feel jealousy? Therapists often regard the demon as a scar of childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem. And it’s true that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others. But the “monster” actually evolved for positive reasons. Throughout our primordial past it discouraged desertion by a mate, bolstering the family unit and enabling the survival of the young. At the same time, it has pushed us to abandon philanderers—and many a futile match—in favor of more stable and rewarding partnerships. Jealousy can even be good for love. One partner may feel secretly flattered when the other is mildly jealous. And catching someone flirting with your beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship.”

“But jealousy can go seriously awry. Some people, for no apparent reason, become consumed by it, undermining their self-esteem, and even driving their partner into another’s arms—the very outcome they had feared.”             Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships#ixzz2vmqoA8vx

One can utilize their feelings of jealousy in a positive way, to explore what is promoting their jealous feelings and get to the root of the concern.  It may allow you to shift from fearful thinking into wise thinking, or it may be a neon sign letting you know that a big problem resides in your relationship.

No one is a threat to our relationship, if our partner steps out emotionally and/or physically, it is not because of the other person, it IS because of your partners choice.

Remind yourself of your worth and value, shift into healthy-wise thinking, support a relationship that has boundaries in which you feel comfortable.  When a problem arrives address it, until then, don’t let your Jealous Bones create havoc in a likely unnecessary situation.

 

A quote by Robert A Heinlein, provides insight into the opposing factors of jealousy and love.  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy – in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”
Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

 

 

 

 


Get It On Ape Style: What we can learn from Bonobo’s

This weekend I had to privilege to read, Sex at Dawn, a book by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha.  I find this book so inspiring that I encourage you to read.

“Ryan and Jethá show how our promiscuous past haunts our current struggles regarding monogamy, sexual orientation, and family dynamics. Some of the themes they explore include:

• why long-term fidelity can be so difficult for so many;
• why sexual passion tends to fade even as love deepens;
• why many middle-aged men risk everything for an affair;
• why homosexuality persists in the face of standard evolutionary logic; and
• what the human body reveals about the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality”

Scientists often look at our closest relative, the Chimpanzee, to explore and to gain a better understanding of  our own behavior, yet Ryan and Jetha highlight the mammal closest to our own human behavior is the pygmy chimp version:  the Bonobo.

Bonobo’s screw for everything.

They have sex as a way to meet, greet, resolve conflict, enjoy food, and of course to mate.

According to Primatologist, Frans de Waal states bonobos are capable of altruism, compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, and sensitivity.[3]

 

Christopher Ryan reported to Psychology Today, seven things we can learn from getting it on ape style, in the article 7 Things Bonobos Can Teach us About Love and Sex.

Below is a highlight of his tips.

“1. More sex = less conflict. As the great primatologist, Frans de Waal put it, “Chimps use violence to get sex, while bonobos use sex to avoid violence.”… As James Prescott demonstrated… the connection between less restrictive sexuality and less conflict generally holds true for human societies as well. 

2. Feminism can be very sexy. When females are in charge, everyone lives better (including the males)…

3. Sisterhood is powerful. Although female bonobos are about 20% smaller than males—roughly the same ratio as in chimps and humans—they dominate males by sticking together. If a male gets out of line and harasses a female, ALL the other females will gang up on him. This sisterly solidarity, combined with lots of sex, tends to keep the males behaving politely.

4. Jealousy isn’t romantic. While bonobos no-doubt experience unique feelings for one another, they don’t seem to worry much about controlling one another’s sex lives.

5. There’s promise in promiscuity. All the casual sex among bonobos is arguably a big part of what has made them among the smartest of all primates. Until human beings came along and messed things up for them, bonobos enjoyed very high quality of life, low stress, and plenty of social interaction in hammocks. In fact, of the many species of social primates living in multi-male social groups, not a single species is sexually monogamous. Each of the arguably smartest mammals–humans, chimps, bonobos, and dolphins—is promiscuous.

6. Good sex needn’t always include an orgasm, and “casual” doesn’t necessarily mean “empty” or “cheap.” Most bonobo sexual interactions are nothing more than a quick feel, rub, or intromission—a “bonobo handshake,” if you will… But bonobos are very romantic: like humans, they kiss, hold hands (and feet!), and gaze into one another’s eyes while having sex.

7. Sex and food go together better than love and marriage—at least for bonobos. Nothing gets a bonobo orgy started faster than a feast. Give a group of bonobos a bunch of food and they’ll all have some quick sex before very politely sharing the food…”

 

 

 

In conclusion, our advance species hasn’t necessarily advanced our social interactions nor reinforced our need for relaxation and play.

Power, control, jealously and more, cloud our ability to truly living a full life.

Decide whether or not, you would like to have more of a Bonobo manner of living.

You can get it on ape style.


%d bloggers like this: