Tag Archives: Love

Love at First Sight is Just a Big Myth

We have for years heard about love at first site. So much so, that we hope it happens to us.

The immediately attraction and hopefully life long commitment to our prince charming or princess.

Experiencing the feeling of love is a long term process and cannot be felt immediately.

sexy coupleNow, lust at first sight is real.

What is the difference between love and lust?

According to Judith Orloff, MD in her Huffington Post article, The Difference Between Love and Lust

Signs of lust:

    • You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.
    • You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
    • You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
    • You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
    • You are lovers, but not friends.

Signs of love:

    • You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
    • You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
    • You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.
    • He or she motivates you to be a better person.
    • You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

 

I have a different opinion, yet included Dr. Orloffs list for further conversation.live lust

I consider both of her lists inclusive of the experience of lust.  My reaction to  her list of lust is more reflective of sexual interest and activity which eliminates the relational aspect.

Emotions and attachment are included in lust. Of course one could do without said emotions as well.

Lust is fueled by our neuro-chemicals which physiologically puts us on a dopamine high; we crave, idealize, and have obsessive thoughts about the other.  This is NOT your heart talking, its your brain chemicals that have wired you to attract, mate, procreate.

Despite the neuro-chemical flood, you’re not using your brain nor your heart.  You’re high.

It is one of the best feelings in the world and I believe has lead to many unwise marriages, divorces and affairs.

We all want to chase what feels good and boy does this feel good!

If our chemicals are urging us to procreate we need to have a veil of fantasy; otherwise, we’d really notice how bad their feet stink, they don’t put their laundry in the basket, belch too often after dinner, only floss once per month and they’re not that respectful when talking about their mother.

We instead focus on the fantasy that is and what our future with that person might be. If we noticed the daily bad traits of each of us right away, would we never pair up?

When we experience lust and recognize our altered mental  state, we can place logic next to our thoughts of Mr./ Ms. Dreamy and allow time to guide us in the true-ness of a real relationship.

Logical statements help us reduce impulsive decisions, to place some realism in our lustful fog, remind us that everyone has faults and craving someone today and living with them day in and day out is a completely different ball game.

Enjoy the lust, recognize your high, and manage your fantasy.sex and food

When do you know it is real love?

The main way love is revealed is through time.

I recommend couples not marry until two years of courtship/dating, because two years is the time frame needed for your chemical high to subside.

After two years,

You:

Still feel sexual attraction to your partner

Have fully accepted who that person is without your ability to ever change them
Can tolerate their bad traits/habits because they are just annoying but are not unhealthy ie (addiction, abuse, manipulative)

Are interested in sharing your life with this person with shared vision for your future
Can have and work through disagreements

Have discussed your views on religion, politics, children and money and have come to an understanding and/or compromise

Enjoy sex with your partner

Want to empower them into their fullness

Feel respected and encouraged

Receive most of the attention, validation, sex and communication you find important in the long run

Feel comfortable in who you are

 

masturbating couple at NWLove is a feeling that is long lasting, accepting and respectful which occurs with time.

Lust is a biochemical flood of wonderful feelings, attraction, desire and craving which can be instantaneous.

You can have lust at first sight.

 

 

 

 

 


Valentine’s Hoopla

Tis the season of roses, chocolates and love notes. two hearts

Tis the season for my nausea.

I’m not a bah humbug, I’m just over the commercialization of romance.

Approximately 151 million Hallmark cards are purchased each year for this holiday.  Does Hallmark have lobbyist to keep the charade going?

Why is this a charade?

Because real relationships, real lovers, don’t need a calendar reminder to send gifts, notes of appreciation, and fancy dinners to show the other love on Februrary 14th.

Save your money and buy me some great flowers in March from Trader Joe’s to show your appreciation.

Set up a couples massage in December because we all need one during the holiday season.

Propose to me when you can’t stand not being my husband for the rest of your life, not because a calendar reminds you that it might be a good date to do so.

bubble bathRun me a bubble bath after a stressful day of work.

Buy me a great red wine to celebrate our accomplishments.

 

 

 

Many articles and programs are out to tell you how to spice up your relationship, how to romance your date away, and where to buy some great French chocolates.

Take heed in the advice, particularly the French chocolates because they are to die for, yet use it in your time.

We all enjoy appreciation, validation and acceptance.  Tell your partner, and not just on Valentines Day.

This is what keeps relationships rich.

Time together, words of empowerment and validation, compromise, teamwork, and laughter are the bricks and mortar of a strong relationship.

That’s what we want – right?

Do I need to purchase some red lingerie to show you that you’re wanted and I’m ready to be frisky?

Sure, but wear it throughout the year and surprise your partner.red lingerie

Let them know you want them, how good they smell, taste and look to you.

It is wise to say Happy Valentines Day and particularly to support Hallmark with a card, so we don’t feel ignored during the holiday, just take the message of the day and spread it throughout the year.

The history to this celebration is quite interesting. From the ancient Roman celebration of Lupercalia.

Lupercalia,… was anciently celebrated by shepherds…many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy…The Lupercalia festival was partly in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled the infant orphans “

Some theorist believe it was the Christian conversion (cultural take over) that took the date from the Romans and converted it into another celebration, that of the martyr Saint Valentines which dates back to the 5th Century.  Many “Valentines” were in existence, yet it is the lovely legend of the Saint Valentine that rebelled against the Roman Emperor Claudius II who outlawed marriage of his soliders  (love, committment and family = bad soliders in the emperors opinion) and performed secret weddings.

Ahhhh, the social justice of it all.

Love can prevail.

It seems that Chaucers poetry Parlement of Foules (1382) written for King Richard’s II of England’s engagement really turned Valentines Day into one meant for lovers

Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

 

Oh the eroticism of bird’s mating, really got them in the mood for romance in the 14th century.

Whether it be frolicking in the streets for fertility or standing up for love, Valentines seems to have turned into a  modern day materialization of gifts and demands to share your love.

I say to you- don’t get sucked into the mania of chocolates and roses this week, allow your gestures of love and validation to occur all year round.

Valentines vintage cardThat being said, I do hope for a card, some sex and taking my husband skeet shooting.  Oops, I guess, I too get sucked into the Valentine’s Hoopla


Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

An excellent article detailing what it takes to really love:

Being There

Being Beneficent 

Being Non-Maleficent

Making a Commitment

Being Loyal 

Being Consistent

Being Candid

Being Trustworthy

Being Consistent

Being Empathetic 

Being Tolerant

 

 

 


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