Tag Archives: monogamy

5 Reasons the Other Woman Slept with Your Man

Recently, I read an article by Farrah Gray entitled Why the Other Woman Slept with your Man.

Farrah’s list includes  6  reasons she slept with your man:

  • She’s Selfish
  • She has no morals
  • She’s psycho
  • She’s accessible
  • She’s just that dumb
  • She’s desperate

His list had over 18200 Facebook shares.  I’m assuming those who shared are the ones who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman’s lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality as it had no depth to explain our human nature nor placement of responsibility on the male partner with exception of one sentence indicating his role. ” The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands.”

Fortunately,  I came across another article, Ever Wonder Why Women Cheat, A Married Man Goes Undercover on Ashley Madison to Find Out by Charles J Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the married but lets have an affair website of Ashley Madison  to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.

1. Women want and need attention, appreciation, and passion

When there is a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, we will seek out ways to fulfill the gaps. At times, the seeking out will be obvious such as creating an Ashley Madison profile or it may be a sudden opportunity presenting without much forethought.

In the Huffington Post article, Jennifer Garam writes; Why I had an affair with a Married Man

“Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality… Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren’t together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other.”

She felt alive again, and that’s a main component in way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid.

She goes further to explain, “This feels so good I don’t want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes. I have such an overactive conscience I couldn’t even take a paperclip from work without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didn’t faze me.”

As humans, we all have an erotic energy. The level of  intensity of this energy varies just like our temperaments; both of which are innate aspects of who we are.  When our erotic energy is out of sync, we will work to meet these needs even if it includes questionable choices with the potential for negative consequences.

You may ask – then why did she choose my man?

2. Your man showed his willingness to step out on his relationship

Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation and passion, in addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man – capable, sexy, wanted, valued.

If the other woman shows him that he is indeed capable, sexy, wanted and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with opportunities can equate to an affair.

Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him.

He consented.

The other women is actually not the issue, because if it wasn’t her, it likely would have been someone else.

Stop blaming and demonizing her and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.

3. Choosing a married man can be safer than having a real relationship.

Married men can bring to the table: attention, passion, time, experience and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and check book balancing.

Some women who have been in bad relationships don’t want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat.

Many women are not looking to ‘steal’ your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure and if he can give it to her, she’ll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last.

Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life, having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy.  They don’t want the daily drama, they want their space.

Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenge is the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotion thing even when unintended.  What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion.

Despite the desires to keep the relationship on a sexual level, emotions interfere and can cause fantasies of creating a true couple relationship.  The other woman and your man have to work out the boundaries of the affair.

Remember if he chooses the other woman over you, it was his choice to leave, not the mistress, but his choice.

4. The Thrill

Dr Valerie Golden, reports in her Psychology Today article Why Women want Married Men,  sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it’s clandestine. Having sex in the married couple’s bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill, full of lust and passion, in a way not possible otherwise. Likewise, unprotected sex. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered, grabbing quick sexual encounters on the fly, can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it’s just more fun being naughty. And bawdy.

Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings.  Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses.

We often want sex with people who we would never marry.  Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical.  Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home.

An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous and more.

The thrill is intoxicating, to the point that even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.

5. Just because she can

Yes there is a difference between  the saying ‘just because you can doesn’t mean you should’ line of thinking and the ‘just go for it’ attitude. We make decisions everyday, some of them have little risk of consequences yet others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want- I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out.

Affairs tend to have a high price tag. Both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as the ‘what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them’  adage.

Yes sleeping with your man is selfish. Your man sleeping with her – also selfish.

 

The language ‘My Man’ in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership. We do not own people. ‘Your Man’ is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner.  We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him, and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he’s yours.  He is only himself.

She slept with him because she could, and it was the same with him. It is not uncommon for our values and behavior to misalign at times.  This does not mean the other woman is without values, morals, intelligence and worth as Farrah Gray would have you believe.  It means that balancing values and behavior can be difficult.  Our western society reaffirms life long monogamy with our partner and despite having the values and morals to support it, our biological nature can put a sledge hammer  on our best intentions.

 

As Charles J Orlando hypothesizes, women who were looking for an extra marital affair with married men were looking to connect in some way and to meet their unmet needs in the current relationship. In his adventures, he found women had the strong  need for connection, attention and just pure sex.

She slept with your man not because of her lack of worth or values but because:

  • Our Innate Needs
  •  He was Open to having Sex with her
  •  Its Non Committal
  • Thrilling
  • Because She Can

 

 

I reached an important understanding. When an adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels, gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it’s a sad realization for his wife that translates to “I’m not worth the effort.” This is a fatal blow to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn’t done those things for her recently… and it wasn’t purposeful, it was a mirror into my own accidental complacently (and I’m supposed to be an expert!!!). It’s not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter? Isn’t the end result the same? – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf
My hypothesis was simple: women who were looking for an extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even ground, but they had something in common—they were missing something from their current relationship. – See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/ever-wondered-women-cheat-married-guy-goes-undercover-ashley-madison-find-hesaid/#sthash.puLfRHRG.dpuf

 

 

 

 

 


A Reader Asks About Blow Jobs, Painful Sex, and Her Husbands Sex with Others

Question… : My husband has been having sex with another women, because I have never been able to perform oral sex on him the way he wants.

I was a virgin when we met and have never had any experience prior.

I have tried to learn, but I can’t please him.

I also have a problem with him inserting his penis in my vagina.

My vagina seems to be tilted and when he does get it in, it causes me pain.

I want to go to a therapist, but unsure how to locate one or what to do.

Dear Reader, You note a variety of factors in your current situation.
I will address four areas for your interest.
The first is that your husband has chosen to obtain his sexual needs with another partner.
The concept of an open relationship is very workable and can be liberating in a committed relationship.  This decision is about respecting each others sexual and emotional needs and it is best not to enter into such a relationship lightly.
Cheating
  I am wondering whether you made the decision to have an open marriage based upon a poly-amorous philosophy or merely because you feel unable to meet his sexual needs.
If it is about his needs only, I am concerned this may challenge your self esteem and feelings of worth. If you plan to end the open aspect of your marriage after you feel comfortable sexually, you may want to reconsider your current situation.
Secondly, if you are having difficulty performing oral sex on your husband, there are a variety of books and tips to help assist you in providing a fantastic blow job:

Plus a variety of web articles and video such as:
Giving oral sex is not only about accommodating your partners penis in your mouth, you may lick, stroke, and utilize a masturbation sleeve for more of an sucking sensation. You can purchase one at :
fleshlight
If you are using a variety of techniques and are open to experimentation and your partner is still not satisfied, then he just might be using that as an excuse to gain sexual pleasure outside of the marriage.
Third, you mention concerns with vaginal pain during penetrative intercourse.
I recommend you visit your OB/GYN to explore possible physical abnormalities and search collaboratively for treatments to assist you in a pleasurable intercourse experience.
Sex-Positions
If you find no significant vaginal abnormalities outside of a tilted vaginal canal, I suggest using a variety of sexual positions to find the one that provides you with comfort during penetration.
It is very important to be fully lubricated by your natural vaginal lubrication or through aids such as Astroglide, as well as receiving a significant amount of stimulation on your whole body that includes your breasts and clitoris.
When women are not fully aroused, pain is not uncommon.
You may find this article helpful:
Lastly, I believe couples therapy would be very beneficial to address your concerns.
To find a certified sex therapist visit: www.aasect.org; you may also find sex therapists on www.psychologytoday.com where you type in your location and sexual therapy as a specialty to locate professionals in your area.
I hope these tips help you in creating the relationship you desire and deserve.
May you experience pleasure in your bedroom and comfort in your relationship choices whether that is an open or monogamous marriage.
This question came into We Want More
and as a trusted Expert for We Want More I responded

Esther Perel: The Secret to Desire in Long Term Relationships

World Renowned Sex Therapist and Author of Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel


Women Cheat, We too are Human

Women Cheat, We too are Human

This is an article I submitted to Yourtango.com to address a recent research study noting the increase in female infidelity. 

Read, Share, Comment


Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

Vickie Larson’s recent article in the Huffington Post titled, “Why Men Need to Cheatcaused a flurry of attention.

She interviewed Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of the provocative new book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating.

Mr. Anderson calls monogamy a, “socially compelled sexual incarceration”  within a society who has a  stronghold on our beliefs.   Those beliefs, he labels as ‘monogamism’,  brings with it ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries.

His main point in the interview is that men have a strong urge or NEED for quick, frivolous, unattached sex, while thriving on and wanting the emotional monogamy and continued love of their wife.

Quick sex here, stable marriage there.

Some may call this ‘Cake Eating’.

Honestly, who of us wouldn’t like to have our cake and eat it too?

Anderson’s idea is  that one  (in particular men) can engage in sex outside of  marriage without emotional entanglements and still have strong love, interest, and desire for a long term marriage with their spouse.

Many couples I have worked with struggle with the concept that one partner ‘stepped out’ and can STILL claim to love them.

How is this love?

Well its not about the lack of love of the spouse, it can be more about meeting our own selfish needs.  Its more like a lack of respect for the monogamous commitment they agreed upon with their partner.

Getting a thrill here, attention, excitement and alot of pleasure ‘down there’.

I believe that monogamy is not a natural human inclination.

Bonding, community, team work….yes-a natural inclination, it provides safety, security and promotes the continuation of the human race.  Yet monogamy albeit providing financial security, stability in raising a family, emotional security and more, is a choice.

Those that recognize this and discuss their interest in sharing themselves sexually with other people, often receive a backlash from not only their spouse but from society.

HOW DARE YOU!

How dare you?

Well its honest, raw, real.

Often the ‘injured’ partner will state they would ‘never do that’, which to me  means, monogamous choices are easier for them.  It is not something they battle or at least commonly battle.  They are able to prioritize their respect for their  monogamous agreement rather than seek sexual gratification elsewhere.

Limited research is available that looks at the success of open marriages, where a strong commitment and love remains in the long term relationship while agreeing upon sexual escapades elsewhere.

Dan Savage has the term ‘monogamish’, to describe his long term relationship.

Savage states, “Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do. If a three-way or an affair was a factor in a divorce or breakup, we hear all about it. But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren’t monogamous, because they don’t want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce. ”

Dossie Easton, is a psychotherapist, specializing in polyamory and penned the book, The Ethical Slut.

The Ethical Slut discusses how to live an active life with multiple concurrent sexual relationships in a fair and honest way. Discussion topics include how to deal with the practical difficulties and opportunities in finding and keeping partners, maintaining relationships with others, and strategies for personal growth.

It contains chapters discussing how consensual nonmonogamy is handled in different subcultures such as the gay and lesbian communities, information on handling scheduling, jealousy, communication, conflict in relationships, and etiquette for group sexual encounters.”

What we can agree upon is that affairs occur with somewhat regularity in our society.

Mr. Anderson notes men’s NEED for sex, the constraints of monogamy, and limits to disclosing our natural state.

I postulate that both men and women choose monogamy.  This choice can be a difficult one.

It is also NOT the only choice.

One can love a partner and eye another, have a sexual romp, and return to their commitment at home.

Most of us would enjoy the occasion of eating our cake.

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater??


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